I have two teens - DS 16 and DD 14, who have won. I don't have the strength to carry on. If I hadn't had a glass of wine last night, I would have got in the car and driven. anywhere, checked into a hotel, anything just to run away. At the moment, I still want to go. last night I just went for a walk around the block to calm down. didn't work. luckily my very supportive husband was at home. when I write this is sounds pathetic, but I can't cope with the daily conflict in our house. mostly over the tech - our simple rules are that no phones/ipods etc at mealtimes, or after 9.30pm or during homework. They never comply. this results in daily conflict, every day. We have tried doing zero tolerence, eg if phones etc aren't put down at certain time then they get confiscated for the following day. very hard to do in practice as first I have to get them off them and short of having a wrestling match, I can't get them. they hide them. they are obsessed and addicted. we row about it all the time. I can't see how to change it. last time we tried being firm, my daughter didn't come home and the police had to find her. I know this sounds like they have control over me, and they do. I just don't know how to get it back.
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Teenagers
they have broken me and I don't know how to carry on
exasperatedemma · 15/01/2013 17:17
Hi emma, thanks for your good wishes. :) It wasn't a big deal with my DS - he was just being an arse!
I've been thinking about you on-and-off all week... I think the 'technology issue' is almost beside the point, to be honest. It sounds to me like you are struggling badly and totally miserable - your title shows me clearly how bad you feel. :( I have been at that point, and I do know how awful it is, and I really feel for you.
You say you "don't know how to carry on", and that's the phrase that's been going round my head, so I'll try to address it, and suggest a possible way forward... :)
I think the key may be to take the focus off your kids for a little while, and prioritise you. I know this sounds shockingly neglectful, and no doubt many people will disagree with me, but it sounds to me like you are exhausted and your self-esteem is rock-bottom, and IMO no-one can parent effectively when they're in that sort of state. Teenagers scent weakness like a pack of hyenas are not generally known for their kindness, empathy and compassion
so you can end up feeling like a total failure - and that is what I am hearing from you.
So (if you think I might be right) what I suggest is this...
- Do go away by yourself if you possibly can. You talked about wanting to, so try to make it happen... A visit to a friend, a spa stay, a youth hostel, a B&B by the sea... Whatever takes your fancy
... Just two or three nights, or even just one if guilt gets the better of you or more if you can get away with it! Everyone needs to recharge their batteries, and yours are almost flat. You owe it to yourself, and (ironically enough) to your kids.
- Whether or not you can get away, start to do things for yourself regularly. A very wise and experienced health visitor once said to me that "Children are happy if their mums are happy" - and I think that's true. Also, looking after teens often takes a huge amount of energy, and can be really horrible, and make you feel rubbish - but you can sort of 'balance out' some of the shit by doing nice things for yourself. Over the years I have come to think that looking after yourself is not a luxury for the parent of a teen, but a survival essential. So do some things you enjoy, that will make you laugh or relax - a swim, a walk, a sauna, a coffee with friends, a comedy club - whatever makes you happy! every day is best; every week is essential. I honestly think that any mother of teenagers who doesn't do something nice for themselves at least once a week will become miserable, and probably ill.
- Find someone to talk to about how you're feeling. I really recommend counselling. You can ask your GP to refer you. Some people see this as a sign of weakness, but personally I see it as a sign of strength to recognise your own limits and get some support when you get near to them.
- There is an old saying: you can't control anyone else's behaviour and reactions, but you can control yours. I have found it incredibly useful to remember that with my own DSes. In emotionally-charged/difficult/conflict situations, teenagers tend to behave so dramatically that all your attention is drawn towards them. As an experiment, try focussing on your own reactions instead. I try to behave in the way I would have chosen to behave even if they weren't screaming or carrying on. I don't always manage it but when I do, the results are great! I feel calmer and more in control, and often handle the whole situation better.
- Also, learn to detach from what your kids are saying. It feels incredibly personal, but it isn't. It's aimed at you because you're there, and because they trust you to keep loving you even if they're horrible the little buggers .
When one of them screams abuse at you, learn to say (as calmly as poss!) "Oh please don't speak to me like that". When your DD gets hysterical at night, learn to say "Oh dear, you're upset. I hope you feel better in the morning darling" and walk away!
- Have you come across this book ? If not, I'd recommend it. It doesn't tell you what to do; instead, it tries to explain what goes on inside teenagers' heads! I found it interesting and useful :)
Good luck! And remember, however difficult it feels, it will pass, and one day they'll grow up!
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