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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD finishing A levels and going to Uni

49 replies

FMTHSthedad · 15/01/2013 16:11

Anyone in the same boat as me. DD has Separated parents. (Unmarried, too). DD does not live with me, but stays with me 10 days a month. I have always been paying more than CSA requirement. Child support ends in June. I will no longer legally be obliged to pay anything. However, mum doesn't earn much. Can 18yo DD claim JSA until she starts Uni? Would it be unfair of me to pay only HALF what I have been paying per month, until she goes to uni (then re-negotiate the top up to the Uni Grant DD will receive?) Should I make DD find work for the summer holidays and offer to pay mum a token amount for board and lodging?

OP posts:
Original poster
FMTHSthedad · 15/01/2013 18:50

@LineRunner
I understand I am still expected to support my DD, during holidays when she lives with me, and with top-ups, but her father isn't.
That's a tricky one and you may be correct, in which case, your DD will have to find work in the holidays if father is unwilling to play ball. Sorry.

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LineRunner · 15/01/2013 18:52

To be honest, OP, I'm confused about how university 'top up' is calculated when the parents are estranged.

Any clarity gratefully received tbh.

Original poster
FMTHSthedad · 15/01/2013 19:06

@Linerunner
I believe it is calculated on the financial situation of the parent the child spends the most time with. (lives with)

OP posts:
Sleepysand · 15/01/2013 19:06

IYSWIM = if you see what I mean

As I recall, my big sister could sign on but they stopped it before I got there - i am 48 now.

I understand why her mum might feel some of the money is for her, but equally, your obligation is now over and she needs to work FT.

Sleepysand · 15/01/2013 19:07

@LineRunner - Uni Top up is based only on the income of the parent that you live with - been there, done that. Includes any step parent's income though.

Original poster
FMTHSthedad · 15/01/2013 19:10

@Sleepysand
I found the Acronymns page on here - useful!

Thanks
...we are finally singing from the same hymnsheet!

But altho my obligation is over, I am willing to continue paying half what I have been paying - a compromise to help out. Legal or not, ex will now be reciving less money per month. Easier for her to scream at me than find a job !
"What at MY age" etc etc Again - email may be the best way!

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LineRunner · 15/01/2013 19:19

I don't understand this.

So, legally, the resident parent is still partly fianancially responsible for an 18 year old university student, but the other parent isn't at all?

But if the resident parent turfs the 18 year old out, then they are no longer responsible?

Nice.

Original poster
FMTHSthedad · 15/01/2013 19:35

@Linerunner
I think the point is, the child is 18 and responsible for him/herself, technically. I believe both parents would do everything they possibly could!?

Also, as law stands, as an unmarried father, if my daughter had ever fallen so ill as to need an emergency operation,whilst in my care, I WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO GIVE CONSENT! Mother, wherever she happened to be on the planet, would need to be found and HER consent sought!

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LineRunner · 15/01/2013 19:38

OP, I know that should be case - that at 18 an adult becomes responsible for themselves - but from what I have learned on MN the resident parent carries
a responsibility to 'top up' for university.

Not our fault - but it's unfair.

Original poster
FMTHSthedad · 15/01/2013 19:47

@Linerunner
That's ridiculous!

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Sleepysand · 15/01/2013 19:49

I am not sure that it is the case that if you turf DC out, you are not responsible for top-ups - in the sense that I am not sure that the DC in question would get a bigger grant. So OP, whatever you give your DD will probably be a bonus for her, she will probably get pretty well full grant/loan and will be better off on that alone than most.

I was shocked to find that (unlike in my day) I never got told what the expected top up for my DC was supposed to be - I think I have been over-generous, probably, but I couldn't see a way of working it out. I am sure in my day my DP's got a letter to say how much to pay me (in my case none, I got a full grant).

Indith · 15/01/2013 19:57

When dh left home and went to university his dad starting giving him the money that he used to give to his mum, is that an option for you?

I think it is reasonable to reduce the amount you pay to her mum since she won't be living there most of the year but she will still need help herself depending on how much she gets in student support. You can encourage her to get a job and renegotiate if she does but they are pretty thin on the ground right now.

LineRunner · 15/01/2013 20:05

I am not sure that it is the case that if you turf DC out, you are not responsible for top-ups

I don't understand how only one parent out of two can be responsible for a financial commitment towards an adult 'child', wherever that adult 'child' might live, IYSWIM.

Surely either both ought to contribute fairly, or neither does.

Original poster
FMTHSthedad · 15/01/2013 20:19

@Indith
Yes. My plan was to pay daughter directly, a reduced sum, given that Child Support includes roof, heat, electricity etc, whereas all those things will be included in Uni fee anyway (incorporated into grant)

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Original poster
FMTHSthedad · 15/01/2013 20:20

@Linerunner.
Agreed, morally anyway, never mind legally!

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Sleepysand · 15/01/2013 21:41

Line Runner, the "logic" ha ha is that they assess on one income only. So the other parent is irrelevant. Weird, isn't it?

Sleepysand · 15/01/2013 21:55

Just to pick up one thing - you referred, op, to 4 months between end of A levels and beginning of Uni. I think DS1 had last exam mid June, and Sheffield begins term 15th Sept. There was just 3 months. He worked because he increased hours at his weekend job. Not many jobs will take on and train someone for 3 months only. If DD has not got a Sat job she will find it v hard. DS also stopped a week ahead to get some sleep before 24/7 drinking began pack. Also if she does not get grades, she will need about a week to sort clearing and accommodation etc, going by friends' experience.

Sleepysand · 15/01/2013 21:58

Just to pick up one thing - you referred, op, to 4 months between end of A levels and beginning of Uni. I think DS1 had last exam mid June, and Sheffield begins term 15th Sept. There was just 3 months. He worked because he increased hours at his weekend job. Not many jobs will take on and train someone for 3 months only. If DD has not got a Sat job she will find it v hard. DS also stopped a week ahead to get some sleep before 24/7 drinking began pack. Also if she does not get grades, she will need about a week to sort clearing and accommodation etc, going by friends' experience.

mathanxiety · 16/01/2013 05:12

Was looking for a legitimate and morally acceptable way around paying her mother any more money for the 4 months between end of school (and CS obligation termination) and beginning of uni. Looks to me, on paper, that I am perfectly entitled to do so.

If you think she will be living with her mother during that period and will be
(a) eating three square meals a day
(b) using various toiletries regularly
(c) going out occasionally with friends
(d) buying the odd stitch of clothes, shoes, and stuff for university

then you probably should continue to pay the same amount to the mother until the university funding kicks in.

If you look at it one way, it is only for four more months than you are strictly required to do. While the DD should really be thinking about work because she will need to have more than just a university degree to show on her CV upon graduation, you shouldn't count on her being able to find anything that would keep her in toothpaste this summer. Next summer maybe she could get herself a J1 visa and work in the US? If she isn't fussy about where she lives she could make a bit of money.

On top of other pre university help you should consider driving lessons for the DD.

You should also stop hoping the mother will get herself a well paid job now that she isn't confined to childcare so much. Not only will the DD need some level of care the day after she turns 18 just as she did the day before, jobs are scarce for women who have not had one for a while or who have not had a full time one for a while. It probably is easier for her to scream at you than find a job [attempt at humour].

mathanxiety · 16/01/2013 05:14

Another work suggestion -- lots of Irish school leavers go and au pair in Netherlands, France, Germany or Belgium between end of exams in June and start of university in October. You live in, you get some spending money. See if there are reputable agencies she could sign up with.

Original poster
FMTHSthedad · 16/01/2013 11:21

@mathanxiety
Hello. I never said "well paid job" I said A job!! (which others here have already said, she should ALREADY be doing! Thanks for the other advice; all been considered and either rejected/acted upon.

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mathanxiety · 16/01/2013 16:13

Even getting A job is very difficult I'm talking supermarkets, etc. looking for five years of recent experience. Once you get past a certain age the education section of your CV starts to look very out of date to someone in HR who might be only a few years older than your DD, and sparse or no work experience for more than two years looks dreadful. The 'should' end of it is a moot point having nothing much on a CV means there will most likely be nothing for her to add to the blank page. (To those that have much shall be given, to those that have not...)

Your DD otoh is just starting out and really needs to get her act together wrt a job. There are things that can be done by people her age that are not pleasant, and maybe your colleagues wouldn't be your cup of tea, but has she considered signing up with a cleaning company for saturday work? Temp agencies for saturday or sunday fill in work? She is really shooting herself in the foot by not working.

Original poster
FMTHSthedad · 16/01/2013 17:32

@mathanxiety

DD is keen to get a job in the summer, yes. Whether she will find one remains to be seen. Thanks for your suggestions.

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Original poster
FMTHSthedad · 16/01/2013 17:33

Thanks everyone for your contributions. You are all basically pretty much in agreement with me, that I should deffo pay something between school and uni. This was always my plan.

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