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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

the selfishness

18 replies

Jan13Blues · 14/01/2013 18:53

First posting in teens. Just can't stand any more of this selfishness! and the worst thing is it makes me feel selfish!

No contribution to household, no cleaning/clearing up, dishes everywhere, no care of the dog, expecting lifts all the time. no askin how I am - yet i am always concerned re their welfare/feelings. no acknowledgement that i might be tired, or have opinions, or not feel the need to be dressed to the nines all the time. the constant criticism. taking things for granted. it's terrible. i am counting the years till they can just go away... :-( there's no joy in this any more

OP posts:

ToeCap · 14/01/2013 18:54

How old are yours? All sounds pretty normal to me unfortunately. But they do improve with age.

borninastorm · 14/01/2013 18:58

I feel your pain!

One of my teens came home from uni for Xmas and I wanted to send him back after day 2. And I'm considering telling him he can't come home for Easter and definitely not for summer unless he has a job otherwise I will kill him.

14 year old dd isn't too bad YET, but the things I've gone thru with her in the past few months would make you wish you'd never had kids at all!

Sorry for the lack of advice I have none to offer from my swirling pit of teenage hell. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

Original poster

Jan13Blues · 14/01/2013 18:58

they are 14 and 16. I know - I can think back to when I was that age, but I wasn't that bad!! They don't have contact with their father, so i am on my own and it's very isolating. I hope they will grow out of it but when? it's just such a long time, these years and years of everything being so one-sided.

OP posts:

3littlefrogs · 14/01/2013 18:58

Don't give them lifts/money/things unless they earn it.

When they criticise you, use the time honoured MN retort: "Did you mean to be so rude?"

Don't just count the years, take action and stand up for yourself now. They will grow up into nice people, but you have to continue to parent. The teen years are the hardest, and require the most effort from parents. The toddler years are as nothing compared to this.

My 24 and 21 yr old are lovely now, but they really put me through it in their teens.

Original poster

Jan13Blues · 14/01/2013 18:59

thanks both, just wanted to scream after coming in from work tonight.

OP posts:

CerysBore · 14/01/2013 19:01

A common complaint here, I'm afraid. What are their ages? Are you able to talk with them and set (agreed if possible) rules, rotas etc?

What might give you some joy - apart from turnaround behaviour on DCs' parts - a mini break/a day out/something else? It's been strongly suggested to me on this thread that I do something for myself - and, boy, can it work. I've found that doing something, however small, for myself has boosted my sense of self-worth and helped me face what's going on at home.

(I'm afraid it might be a while till you're asked how you are, though. But you can and should expect to be valued and certainly not, absolutely not, criticised constantly - or even very much at all.)

3littlefrogs · 14/01/2013 19:02

Mine did their own washing from the age of about 13.

They didn't get pocket money they did jobs around the house to earn cash/lifts/phone credit.

Ds1 liked clothes and gadgets - he worked in a call centre to earn the money to buy them.

If they left their stuff around the house I used to put it all in a bin bag and put it in their bed.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 14/01/2013 19:02

I agree, don't do the lift/money thing until they understand that you have to work together.
Can you draw up a division of jobs so they know what they need to do? I sympathise, the teenag years can be bloody hard, I've got 2, but I've found that clear expectations, and "you need to do this in order to get this" worked for me.

I think it's hard being a teenager as well as parenting teens, try and focus on the good stuff, not just the bad.

Original poster

Jan13Blues · 14/01/2013 19:02

i've tried the reward/chores thing - it does not and will not work. they are just not motivated in any way!! so now I just do it for my own pleasure as I don't want to live in a dirty house. one child has a pristine-is room, the other is the stereotypical can't see the carpet kind!! i leave them both to it. whatever i say is seen as me being moody and they turn it against me when really yes i am quite a confident person and capable of communicating my feelings. I sound like such a winger - just what I don't want to be!!
and you're right - they were very easy babies/toddlers

OP posts:

CerysBore · 14/01/2013 19:03

Sorry - just noticed you've mentioned their ages. Agree with littlefrogs - the MN retort can be very effective. Makes them think.

HeathRobinson · 14/01/2013 19:03

Do you spend time with them, just enjoying each other's company?

TantrumsAndBalloons · 14/01/2013 19:05

Ah, bedrooms. I have given up on bedrooms. As long as they do the jobs I ask them to do, I ignore the bedrooms. I just shut the door. And buy more cups as they both swear down there are no cups in their rooms lies

Original poster

Jan13Blues · 14/01/2013 19:06

rarely - we all get on ok, but only with major effort from me not to nag at them about the above! when we spend time together it's on their terms, just within the house, never on a one-to-one basis, and certainly don't do any activities outside of the house together. I know this is normal, but it's like I don't exist. I just feel a bit unloved, unappreciated at the moment!!

OP posts:

Foggles · 14/01/2013 19:09

I remember coming home from work during the school holidays to find the house a tip, food & plates all over the place and DS1 out with his girlfriend.
He had texted me to ask whether she could stay for tea.

I had steam coming out of my ears as I replied "If you can't be arsed tidying up - I can't be arsed doing tea". Pressed SEND. Then realised I'd accidently sent it to a friend instead of DS1.

Luckily, she had teenagers as well and just replied "I know how you feel :)".

But they do get better OP - honestly.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 14/01/2013 19:14

Why not do a bit of one to one time?
My dd and I always do something together on a Thursday. She meets me after work and we go for coffee, or to the cinema or a walk round the shops. Me and DS spend Saturday afternoonafter football together, normally we have lunch somewhere.
We have a rule as well, no matter what has happened, what arguments we have had etc we don't carry it into our couple of hours together. No arguments, no nagging, just an hour or so to relax and chat.

The rest of the time, they are plugged into iPods, PS3, homework, Facebook or whatever.

Tbh the reason we started this was because I went through a bloody nightmare with dd last year when she was 13 and it was probably the only time we spent together that wasn't arguing, sulking, shouting. And we just carried it on because, well it's nice.

Original poster

Jan13Blues · 14/01/2013 19:18

Thank you tantrums, and everyone - I have to go and do the evening routine - but i have never used MN for just having a shout before and it's helped, thank you. I will think about the one-to-one, although have suggested it before and it's not a hot favourite (the friends are obviously a priority!) xx

OP posts:

Startail · 14/01/2013 19:47

But, why is accepted as normal, it isn't in this house and it wouldn't have been in mine or DH's as a teens.

I'm a sahm so I'm no great stickler for chores, but if I want something done, they still get told once and then shouted at as if they were 6 and 9, not very nearly 12 and 15 (and DD1 is taller than me).

Yes we live in the sticks, which helps, because no lift, no going anywhere or seeing anyone. They can't storm of to a mates.

But they are expected to behave as members of the family and join in with family things and 95% of the time they do.

DD2 moans, sometimes, but DD2 has been prone to moaning all her life. No one is liable to take a whole lot of notice.

mrsjay · 15/01/2013 15:31

jan stop doing it all for them then they will appreciate you a tiny bit more, we didn't/ don't drop ours off here there and everywhere, they had to ask in advance if they wanted a lift I know that sounds mean but it meant they had to think about us too,
teens do think the world revovles around them though, give them stuff to do don't dole out money , I expected mine to be part of the family dd1 was the worst for it it has only been the last year she wants to do stuff with us again , she is nearly 20, dd2 isn't too bad yet but it is creeping in

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