16yr old Daughter has a 20yr old boyfriend........is this ok?

[modernartdiva]

This is our daughters first boyfriend. She is a very mature and sensible girl and he seems lovely and very fond of her.......not sure how to be about this.....should i freak out if she stays over at his.....I really don't want to be a dragon but now that it's here i'm not sure how to ....be.

I think that if you accept I and welcome him you keep the lines of communication open between you and her. If you are anti him you are more likely to make her even more determined to be with him. It's hard though isn't it?

I think it depends totally on the bloke and the girl in question. It's not a massive age difference, but I would probably question a bit why he's not looking for someone his own age? However, I'm 24 and have 16 year old friends through work who are very mature and act more like they're 18/19 to me.

I'd probably keep eyes open/be wary, especially of any power issues, but I wouldn't freak out about it. Also I guess it might be an issue if he's more experienced than her sexually, but if he's a decent guy he won't be pressuring her anyway. Might be worth just reminding her that decent guys don't pressure for sex and if he loves her he'll wait until she's ready even if that takes years. And if there's any pressure that generally means that he's not a nice guy. At that age though a lot of the pressure I felt came from myself thinking that the guy would run off if I wasn't "ready" for sex early enough, so reassuring her it's fine to wait as long as she needs might help. She might just think you're out of touch though

As for staying over I'd probably keep the rules the same as if she had a 17 or 18 year old boyfriend... would you let her stay over then or not?

Well when I was 16 most of us had arsehole boyfriends in their mid 20s.

If he seems nice and she seems happy then let them be.

Does he live alone or with parents? Not entirely sure I'd be comfortable with a 16 yr old going to stay at a boyfriends flat.

It's good they're being open and honest try and keep that going.

NB I only have little ones so am only guessing!

DS is only 16mo so I don't have any experience of this as a parent, but when I was 16 I had a 20 year old boyfriend so wanted to reassure you that he was very 'aware' of the fact that I was younger than him and very sensitive towards me and my parents. If she's let you meet him and he 'seems lovely and very fond of her' then I'm sure your instincts are right.

FWIW, my parents let him stay at our house, but insisted he stayed in the spare room. We both understood that it was their house so we followed their rules. He was at university and lived in halls and my parents let me stay with him (after they'd met him) as it was 'easier' after we'd been out in town. This was always discussed as a purely practical arrangement

If she's mature, he seems nice and they're both being open with you then I don't think you have to worry.

When my DD was 16, she started dating a 21yo. She too was very mature and although we were initially wary, they stayed together for a couple of years. He had more issues about the age gap than her, and consequently they didn't sleep together for about a year.

Take it on face value and trust your instincts. You know your DD best, just remind her about contraception and self respect and time will tell the rest.

my first real boyfriend was 21 I was 17 it worked out ok although he wanted to go to the pub I always got ID so we never really did much fizzled out after 8 months but if they are happy leave them 4 years is nothing imo

I was talking about this with my son a couple of years ago.
He is 21 now.

(something on telly about a 20 year-old with a 14 year-old girlfriend).

So he was 19 then. He said he would never go out with < be interested in > a girl of 15 or 16 as she would be too young and immature and he would have nothing in common with a girl that age.

If it's any comfort to you my 16 yo DD has a 20 yo bf. They've been together about 15 months now and he is a lovely boy. We were a bit concerned at first that she was 15 and he 19 (and at uni 100 miles away) when they met in the summer holidays, but they were just friends at first. We decided that it would be better to not put our foot down and assumed that as a long distance relationship it wouldn't last. However, he regularly came home every few weeks or so, and they Skyped etc. He often stays over at our house (separate rooms) and we took the decision this Oct time that as the relationship seemed to be long term and serious, and as she was now in the Sixth Form that she could go to stay with him at uni for the weekend. When he stays here I always put him in spare room, but I'm pretty sure that at his place they share a bed. (He and his mother have a flat in our home town and bf and DD are often round there instead). I don't ask as I think she is old enough now (17 in a month or so) to make her own relationship decisions. He's been on holiday with us a couple of times, is helpful and polite, sensible and obviously devoted to our DD. Only you can make your own decisions about your DD, but we are happy we held our breath and didn't freak too much.

My first proper boyfriend was 19 and I was 15. I'll be honest - he did ask for sex a lot! (which he didn't get!). My parents did the right thing - they realised that if they banned him, I'd be attracted to him more, so they let it run it's natural course.

When I was 16 my bf was 20 - he was lovely to me. My parents didn't like him (for pathetic reasons separate to his age), did not approve of the age gap, suddenly decided I needed a curfew (even though I hadn't had one before, even with other boyfriends), generally made life bloody unbearable. I left home at 17. They still blame him for that!? Everything I did or didn't do at that time was 'that sod's fault'

Oh - he only stayed at my parents house once, on a different floor of the house! I think my Dad paced the hallway all night I stayed at his Mum's a lot - of course my parents thought I was at my friends house. We also had sex in the daytime & before my 'curfew'

That doesn't mean you should let him stay at yours or her stay at his - if you wouldn't if he was the same age as her. Do whatever you would do if he was 17. I do think it encourages kids to be too serious if they are basically living together (even if it's between both homes). I'd probably say no until they have been together a long time. It does also set a precedent for future bf's...

I don't hold it against my parents now, they were doing what they thought was best, out of love for me. But really, had they stood back, given me credit for having a brain and themselves credit for having brought me up well - they would have seen that backing the fuck off would have been a much better strategy!!

Chipping that post is pretty much exactly what we thought would happen if we banned our DD from seeing her bf! And like you say, we were concerned about setting a precedent for future bfs, which is why we don't let them share a bed at our house (however serious their relationship) whilst she is still at school. (He's here at the moment and sleeping peacefully in the guest room). They seem happy with the situation and their relationship so hopefully we've got it about right.

Epic bolding fail there

sowornout - you sound like you are handling it really, really well. If only my parents had done the same, my life would have been very different. It makes me sad because it did change the direction of my life - I made some choices due to their behaviour that I wouldn't have made and it has made my life much harder and very different to what I'd planned. Sounds a bit dramatic as I was so young then - but it changed things like staying at home and going to uni instead I left home, worked full time and did uni part time. I wanted to buy a house, but ended up leaving at 17 and renting... it all adds up. My parents loved me, they did it because they loved me and they did what they thought was best... it's just a shame it wasn't what was best really.

I reckon you and I are close in age Chipping (I'm 45). I was a hideous teenager frankly, but my parents were very, very good. (At 16 my bf was 24 - and I was sooooo in love. It lasted 6 months and he and I are still friendly. My parents admitted when I was older that they were horrified at the relationship, but frightened that if they banned me from seeing him I'd have walked out. I would have.) They didn't let us share a bedroom but they were polite and welcoming to him and treated him the way they would have done a 17 yo bf.

As parents yours and mine did our best, and I was lucky that mine managed to rein in their initial instincts. I'm very glad we let our DD continue seeing her bf without putting blocks in the way because he's super and has had a really good effect on her. She was fairly shy and studious and now has a lot more 'bounce' in her step and self confidence due to knowing that she has a lovely bf who loves her and supports her 100%. The pair of them seem to have a really good relationship and she is very happy (which really is all any parent wants for their child). I think you can pat yourself on the back, btw, for coping at 17 and then managing full time work and uni. Sounds like you were well able to make your own decisions at that age - what a pity your parents didn't see that at the time. But as you say, they loved you and acted in what they thought were your best interests.

sounds fine to me. Nearly fits the rule of half your age plus 7 when I was 15 I dated a 30 year old. This was NOT fine

Am not mother to a teenager but I remember being one. I would be super welcoming. My parents would make boyfs dinner, breakfast, ask all sorts of polite and interesting questions, request their help with DIY and generally be super super super nice. Hard to feel rebellious when your pierced, tattooed slightly druggie older boyfriend is helping your dad put together a desk and talking about Formula One.

sowornout - we are so not close in age I'm only 43.

I actually wasn't at all hideous, that's the thing. I was the model teenager really. I was good around the house, tidy, quiet, helpful, worked part time... had 'nice' friends/boyfriends etc. Didn't badger for the unaffordable. (My Mum would back me up on all of this). I didn't start lying about where I was staying until they had already made life difficult. I stayed out more because I hated the atmosphere by then, than because I wanted to be in his bed (iyswim).

My parents were polite and welcoming too - to all of his family (we were together a long time in the end, mostly due to my parents), his family came for Christmas/Birthdays etc. They were very nice to him, no complaints there really. It was just the things they said when he wasn't there!! They weren't two faced though - just polite, as you are to a guest you don't care for but are stuck with!

Sounds like you were well able to make your own decisions at that age - what a pity your parents didn't see that at the time Yes, it's a great pity really and it's only now that I really realise just how much of an affect it had on the rest of my life.

I am so pleased you can see how happy your DD is and that he's good for her - or rather, they are good for each other :)

My only hope is that people like the OP can benefit from seeing what happened my way and what happened your way.

Can only echo the 'go with your instincts' school of thought. When I was 16 I started going out with a 26 year old. Nearly 19 years later, he's just gone off to work and I'm dealing with our three overtired and hideous lovely five and unders. He really was, and is, a decent bloke despite the perceived 'wrongness' of our relationship at the beginning.

Just to voice a different experience than chipping, I'm 54 so long time ago and I do have teenagers now.
I had the unsuitable older BF at 16. My parents stood back and didn't interfere. I left school and didn't go to university because of him. Didn't regret at first but I do now. I now feel I made the wrong choices because my parents just let me.

I would also worry that he is not interested in her conversation or personality... but all you can do is set boundaries and supervise when possible. If he IS a decent bloke he will understand and won't mind.

ps and the obvious - make sure she is certain of her contraception and is having sex on her terms. And that she knows that if she doesn't want sex, staying over gives the wrong signals.

Thankyou so much....very sensible and reassuring words.

I was a sensible 16 year old whose first boyfriend was 20 and in the Royal Navy, my poor DM was horrified! We will be celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary in January and we will have been together 12 years in April (DM isn't horrified anymore, she loves him)
Don't pry but let her know that you trust her and are there to talk to if she needs it. Be welcoming and involve him in things if you can. If you have them both onside then they're less likely to do things behind your back, hth

When my sister was 16 she had a 21 year old boyfriend. My mum didn't seem to bother as my sister was very mature and sensible. I think my Dad was a bit wary but all was ok.

They're still together, married with 2 DSs. Sister is 38 and DBIL is 43.