Daughter has been filmed at a party after possibly having drink spiked

[jewel1]

My 17 year old daughter is very vulnerable and has been treated for depression and self harm over the last couple of years. She is talented and musical but hates herself and has always been desperate to 'fit in' with her peers. Lately she has been making great progress at college and seemed to be 'on the mend' however a week ago she went to a party at a semi-squat and lied that she was with a decent male friend (who I knew would have looked after her). She is on anti-depressants yet she drank (not that much as she is not keen on drink) but took cannabis and possibly cocaine. She told me she would stay at the friends house however at some point in the night things got out of hand and my daughter woke naked and knew she had had sex. With absolutely no recollection of events she believed she had been raped and went to a female friend and she phoned me and then began the most traumatic weekend of our lives with examinations and interviews with police etc. They were very supportive and my daughter was extremely brave. However after making an arrest the police have uncovered a phone video which shows my daughter clearly inviting 3 boys to get sexually involved with her and there is a 1 or 2 min video of this that the police have seized on a memory card. The film does not show full sex but is very explicit. My daughter remembers nothing but examinations show that she is extensively bruised etc.
The police says there is no case now and I agree as even if she was subsequently assaulted (and I believe she may have been) I think the film casts lots of doubt on her and I want the whole thing put behind us.
My big horror is the film: the police have said they have threatened the main lad with prosecution if he distributes the film and yet they seem to be dragging their feet at trying to get to the others. My daughter is suicidal and I am so fearful for her mental health; I parent her totally alone and I have devoted my life to her but it has not been enough. I truly believe that she may have been given a drug called GHB which can release sexual inhibitions as though she was not a virgin she herself is appalled by her behaviour and cannot account for it.
I keep thinking her life is ruined - which I know is terrible - and that this awful film will haunt her. She is young for her age and I am ridden with guilt that despite my best efforts I have not protected her from life. I dread going in her room in the morning in case she has done something. How can we get over this? We live in a city but the community is small, how long before what happened that night gets out and should I be pressuring the police more?
Any advice or survival of similar experiences would be gratefully received.

I don't know what to say, don't want to leave you unanswered, I do think though, that sadly, teens these days DO know and understand about spiking and what it can do.

Friends sister had similar happen in Amsterdam, awful. But she's got over it with help and supportive family and friends.

Sorry to hear this!
Is she getting some counselling for this?

Something once happened to my dd involving camera phone. Her and a friend were filmed in the shower... Different I know. The culprit was prosecuted. But whilst dd got over it, her friend didn't, and her life spiralled....

So I'd say get some help. Have you contacted anyone?

If you want to put it behind you then pushing the police to find others involved doesn't sound helpful. And anyway, police can't.... What have they done to be pursued for?

Oh how awful. Whether or not her drink was spoked the combination of prescribed drugs, alcohol and other substances could have made her out of control. But for someone who is emotionally fragile anyway this video could be devastating = even the worry about others seeing it, even if they dont.

I am sure she will get over this but it will take time. Is there any chance the 2 of you getting away from the area over christmas to have a break (stay with relatives / friends perhaps?)

What a horrible situation. I feel for both you and your dd.

Just because some twat drugged her, it does not mean that you were not enough for her.

I don't have any practical advice but I don't think her life is over, although I can understand why you might feel that way now. You could always move away later if you have to.

I was raped as a teenager and I didn't have the support of my parents. I only managed to get past it when my boyfriend a few years later (now an ex but still a dear friend) sorted out counselling for me.
Support from you will be a great help but so will talking it out with a counsellor. It's life changing and awful at the time and you feel like you can't get past it but you can it's just very tough getting to the other side iykwim.
I also left behind a lot of my friends from that point of my life because teenagers can be awfully judgemental and nasty. I changed schools at 6th form and made new friends which really helped too.

Thank you for your support and yes, my daughter does have counselling and is under psychiatric care.
The police can pursue as it is classed as distributing indecent material and she is under 18...

I did think I may (with the police's support) ask for a meeting with the boys and their parents - just to talk to them to get some reassurance that the film will be deleted. But I don't know if that is being naive?

Oh my...

I feel so sorry for your daughter. I'm not sure that blaming drugs will help now though. I think it is much more likely that it was a mixture of anti depressants and alcohol (which is potent on its own) along with the illegal drugs that she took. Together, that would bring out hidden sides of anyone. A friend of mine ended up in a similar situation due to just anti depressants and drink - not much, either, but the police and the hospital pointed out that the rules not to mix these aren't made up for fun. It does terrible things to the brain.

Does your daughter have a mental health consultant? If not, get in touch with the community mental health team. They'll probably see her this weekend if you are truly worried about suicide, and early next week if not. Don't mention suspecting she may have been drugged, because taking responsibility will be a big part of what they talk to her about, if my experiences are anything to go by. But it'll help her - they'll talk to her about what she remembers, help her get over what happened, teach her coping strategies and make sure that by owning her problem she knows how to stop it from ever happening again. It should help her hugely.

With regards to the tape, it is unlikely to end up online because whoever put it there would be at risk of being arrested for distributing underage pornography. That doesn't mean people at college won't see it, unfortunately. It may well be that she can't cope with going back - speak to the college about this, and see what they recommend. Moving colleges might be a good idea, but she's likely to need to let this die down anyway. At least with a small community most people will find out quickly, if they care, and it'll die down quicker.

Christmas is coming so it'll be old news soon.

Please don't blame yourself. Most teenage girls send photographs of themselves which can be distributed in a similar way - it happens. What's important now is being strong, showing your daughter how to get over this and making sure that she knows that alcohol/anti depressants and drugs are a bad combination. She really shouldn't be drinking with anti depressants, but if she does, it needs to be something very weak. Even a few cocktails can be too much.

As it was, legally, consensual, it's a difficult position for the police. They probably know from experience that its better to let it lie and wait for it to pass than to visit those involved, especially as your daughter initially thought it was rape. Stay in contact with them, and they will step in if they need too, but warning people with the tape will just make it "hot property", and much more likely to be viewed/talked about.

This will pass. Similar happened to my sister (frighteningly similar, down to the anti depressants - although no illegal drugs were involved, and the men were much, much older than her) and two friends, but they are all okay now. It's a long road but it will be okay in the end.

So sorry to hear of your experience but very glad to hear you are recovering with support. Thank you for your message

Thank you CajaDeLaMemoria
Your message has given me a great deal of comfort and support and I think you are right that it will be old news soon and deep down I know that; I just woke today feeling very down and almost panicky about the whole situation.
I absolutely agree about alcohol and the anti-depressants and owning her own behaviour, it is very difficult gauging it so that she is not overwhelmed with guilt and self recriminations but we are addressing the fact that she ever got in that situation with her counsellor.

I am so glad your sister made it through and I wish you all well.

jewel I'm so so sorry this has happened, to her, and to you. You cannot protect her 24/7 and she does need to learn a lesson from this.

I think if I was the parent of one of these boys, I would definitely want to know what they had done. They need to learn from this too.

Those illegal drugs, mixed with alcohol and anti-D's can be lethal.

I hope she keeps getting the help she needs, are you getting help too?

Best of luck love.

How awful.

If I were you I would forget about thoughts of spiking and GHB, taking cocaine willingly would be enough to bring out an unknown uninhibited side in most people.

Horrible, horrible way to learn a lesson about drug taking though.

Thank you for your lovely message, it really helps.

I have lots of support from friends and family and having been a parent for 25 years (I have an older son) I find I am starting a thread on mumsnet at the last hurdle...
I feel so consumed with guilt and sadness for my daughter and the kindness on this message board is helping me to realise that it is not end of the world and we can move forward. She is such a lovely girl (bias aside) and I just want to know she is going to be happy again. I also think despite her actions she has got the inner strength to move on and learn from this, though it is very important that I am there in the background and being strong for her and this conversation has really helped.
So thank you; everyone x

Poor you and your poor daughter. Mine aren't at this age so I have no helpful advice but I wanted to let you know another person heard/read and is feeling for you. Best wishes for the future.