Would you allow your 17 ds to stay in a girls house when the parents are away?

[Carmenere]

Just curious really. Last night dss 17 rang at about 10 to ask could he stay in a girls house (who we had never heard of before). He was very obviously pissed and the parents wern't there and weren't aware of any party ect.

DP said that he diddn't think it was a good idea but that dss was old enough to make up his own mind. ffs - dss is failing badly at school and not a particularly mature kid and in my opinion needs a good deal more guidence than dp is giving him atm. I was told to mind my own business.

I am now sitting here waiting for dss to come home, there is no answer from his mobile and as I have pointed out to his dad he could be lying in a ditch somewhere!

I was just wondering weather I am being uptight in your esteemible opinions?

I think in the circumstances it might not have helped to drag him home. But your dp needs to have a chat with him.

I have a friend with children about your dss's age, and his policy was always to let his kids have their girlfriends/boyfriends sleep over in their house (and to get to know the parents) to avoid this sort of thing happening and have a bit more input into how time is spent etc (ie studying).

He didn't love the fact that his kids were having sex at 17 inhis house but thought it was better than the alternative. I know that's not the issue here but I thought it was a really nice attitude for him to have.

My ds has been regularly staying in girls houses..he was 18 last week.

Usually there is a few of them and they have stayed with us too.

He has also stayed in London in his girlfriend's own flat (her parents live overseas)

So I know where you are coming from but ds has two older sisters and tbh he has been a breeze in comparison so I've got more lax.

Is ds your eldest?

Oh god you have just reminded me that we've got all this to come.

We're not into teenage territory yet, but under the circumstances you mention I would probably have gone and got him or made him get a taxi home and paid for it when it arrived. I'd be cross about him not answering the mobile though. Presumably apart from them being all the rage, he has it as a means of keeping in touch with you and you him.

Mind you, I don't have teenagers yet, so there are probably other factors to take into consideration not least of which must be to start to let them make their own decisions otherwise how will they know next time? I don't envy you though. No doubt I'll be posting on here in years to come - maybe you will be able to advise me then

Thanks for the replies! One of the issues I have is for the poor parents whose house this party/sleepover was in as they have no idea that their daughter is entertaining boys overnight. I wouldn't trust him not to throw a party in our house if we went away although he has a fair idea of how incandescent I would be! He has regularly told me stories of how peoples houses are always getting trashed when the parents are away!

If he had a steady girlfriend I wouldn't mind him bringing her here to stay.

He is not my own son but my dss, he lives with us full time as he doesn't get on with his mum - if he was my own I would have gone to get him last night. I just don't think he is canny enough to stay out of trouble.

I don't think you're uptight, teenagers are well umm err teenager.

I'm coming cold to this, but I recall being a 17 year old bloke.

Not all is lost as far as I can tell. He did ring you, frankly at 17 I wouldn't have.
As for him being in a ditch, recalling some of my 17 yo drunken journeys home, he's probably safer at the other house, unless you go and pick him up.

Also, my parents didn't know the names of my friends. So I wouldn't sweat that, I think very few parents do at that age. Indeed I would worry about a 17 yo who had that few friends.

He may get some grief from the other parents, but that's part of growing up. The girl's issues with her parents are not your problem. Also he may have good reasons to want to stay at her house...

Also it was a Friday night, not a school night, so that's less bad, in my opinion.

As for failing at school, like you I see that as a related problem, but one with different things you can do about it.

I think it's important to pick battles you can win, and as he gets older that number drops. If you fight in circumstances where he can "win" merely by ignoring you on the phone, then he will be more difficult to control in other circumstances.
I'm sort of with DP in that at 17 there's no obvious way you can force him to obey you, certainly not at a distance.

I can see some opportunities in terms of sticks and carrots. He clearly wants more of a social life, perhaps youcan trade improved school performance for help on that front.
Maybe a party at your house if he achieves better results ?

i think at 17, you cant do a great deal about it, as DC says, he did ring you!
i wouldnt be happy about it being a girl id never met but sadly its going to happen now.
it would still be a good idea to have a long chat with him with regards to his schooling though.

I have had lots of difficulties with my son nearly 18! DSS needs clear guide lines so your all singing from the same song sheet. We had if you want to stay over then we need to know at least 3 days before, also we need to know is it a party or a sleepover or a camping trip and who's going where it is will there be any older brothers sisters there etc?? What are you planning to do etc.
We always said were not being nosey we understand you'll be having a few beers, we are concerned about your safety, ensure he takes a mobile. My ds usually could see where we were coming from and was happy to fill us in. If he didn't tell us what was happening he didn't go!
Remind dp that he is only 17 and he still needs some sort of checks to ensure he will be safe!
Has he talked to him about safe sex? might be a good idea if he hasn't!

I see your points DOC but it's difficult to operate a stick and carrot system when his dad allows him to do whatever he wants iyswim.

I am well aware that part of my problem here is that as I am not his mum I don't get a say in the where his boundaries lie. It is difficult when you do care about him not to be able to help in areas that you disagree with your dp. However I suppose the wise thing to do is to let them get on with it!

fwiw, i think if you do have concerns with regards to his schooling etc, you need to give him some clear guidlines etc as to what you expect while he is under your roof.
you could say, for example, " if you go to a party thats fine, but you must arrange to get home"
its quite difficult really as 17 is an awkward age, from the point of view of your son, he is all grown up(so he thinks!) but he is still living under your roof, so is still accountable to you.

step son i meant to put!

step children are also very good at playing step parent and parent off against each other, i know, i did it myself!

Oh yes that's true. Also I am 13 years younger than his dad so I have a clearer memory of what goes on at house parties iykwim!

He has just arrived home safely looking very grey indeed. Shall have to pour oj into him and send him off to Tesco where he can contemplate not having gone to bed til 6am during his 9 hour shift

if its any help to hear, myself and dh got together when we were both 17 and we've been together ever since. back in 1987, my mum went through similar worries over me staying over at his house. we're now both 35 with 2 kids

Well that is nice to hear LucyKate . Not sure his motivation is true love though

carmenere, I think your biggest problem is the difference of opinion you have with dp.

i wonder if he'd have a different attitude if ds was a dd?

I am a single parent with a 16 year old dd and I often think that it would be so much easier if I had support from her father BUT your post has reminded me that being in a couple doesn't guarantee that :(

FWIW, I think there has to be a level of trust BUT if ds is doing badly at school etc he needs some ground rules before he gets to go out and have fun.i.e doing x amount of studying/helping around the house etc However, I realise this is easier said than done.

Good luck :)

I think for me the issue would have been not knowing if the other girl's parents would approve, especially if your dss sounded pi**ed on the phone. I would have wanted to protect my son from any repercussions - and the other girl, too. I would feel a responsible being the only 'adult' aware of the request.

However, if the arrangment had been made in advance then I'd be more ok about it (but not necessarily delighted!).

My mother was fine about me having my 17 year old boyfriend to stay overnight (I was 16). He was a steady bf, she liked him, knew his parents and we went out together till I was 21. I know she would have been a lot less happy about me suddenly announcing I was spending the night in a unknown boy's house whose parents were away.

At least he phoned you and told you the truth about where he was. He felt comfortable enough to do that.

I really, really hope he knows how to use condoms properly. SO important for all teens/pre-teens these days.

I wouldn't have had a problem w/his staying there, provided the girl was age of consent or over.

I wasn't a virgin at 17 and lied to my parents about my whereabouts, something I think is scarier than having been able to tell them the truth.

Many years ago my 17yr old boyfriend (failing miserably at college, drinking too much, losing interest in the world) asked his parents if he could stay over at mine. They went absolutely potty, wouldn't let me stay at his either and as Spacecadet says, he thought he was an adult and it did not sit very well with him. Tbh we didn't even want to stay in the same room (well, we did, but we were perfectly happy to compromise), but his parents were having none of it. After lots of shouting (and realising that bf was probably vocalising most of it as 'i hate you all, you don't let me do anything' as opposed to 'dear parents, i quite like this girl, and would like to spend more time with her, can she stay over on the sofa please and would you like a cup of tea while you mull it over?'), we all sat down and discussed our 'intentions'. That night I was allowed to sleep on their sofa. Seven months later, on Christmas Eve, I was allowed to share his bed. With hindsight, it wasn't about me staying over or sex, it was a complete breakdown in communication. BF was very unhappy and desperate for boundaries in other areas ie college (imo). I would echo DominiC, pick your arguments wisely and try and get your DH on board with tackling the school situation first.

Years later, bf and I are very happily married. He loves his parents very much, as do I and they have an excellent relationship. The blip at 17 was just that, a blip. He was an eldest child trying to make his mark, but without any idea of how to do so or how to communicate effectively with his parents. Iirc, most 17yr old males save effective communication for a one on one with 'big and busty'...

On further interrogation - this was one of his mates girlfriends house, there was only a few of them and her 22 yr old brother was there. Allegedly they just watched dvd's and had a few beers and actually I believe him as he isn't really hungover.

I was just concerned that he was pissed and they were going to be wrecking some poor parents house and that there would be drugs and fighting ect (these fears are not totally unfounded as he does confide in me to a certain extent)

As far as condoms go - I have had that chat with him- much to his embarrasment. I think he is probably sensible enough when he is sober but pissed, who knows!

im sure teens were put on this planet to prematurely age us!
(i have 2 teenagers)

Yes Spacecadet exactly, well I have a toddler and a teenager in this house. They are actually quite similiar - both totally self obsessed and stubborn

lol and you always have to clean up after them!
i have 2 teens, a 5 year old and a 20 month old and my 15 year old dd and my 20 month old dd have identical temper tantrums!