Have posted on this board under another name, but have n/c as dd has been stalking me on mumsnet - reading my comments, and has been using them as ammunition in arguments.
I've made a momentous decision today not to have any involvement in dd's education any more, other than to make sure she gets to school every day, and gets there on time.
She has never let me help her with her homework. This didn't matter in primary as she was working at a reasonable level without my involvement, and left with level 5's in everything, despite being the youngest child in her form, and having no parental input into her school work (and no tutoring). TBH she didn't have much homework in primary and I did nothing to prepare her for her SATS. I don't remember ever sitting down with her to do writing or maths, although I did listen to her read every now and again, and read TO her a lot.
Since starting secondary she has just made less and less and less effort. She has consistently rejected all my attempts to help her or have any involvement in her work. I took her out of her last school after realising that her exercise books were practically empty (I really mean empty - she literally had NOTHING to show she'd sat in lessons day in day out for months on end). I tried everything to get the school to take this issue seriously, but they didn't seem at all bothered, and her behaviour was deteriorating fast. We found her a new school which was better suited to her (changed her from a huge mixed academy to a girls community school). She has been at the new school for three weeks, says she really prefers it to her old school, but is already on report for not writing her homework down or completing it.
The last few weeks have been grim as I've tried to take a more active role in encouraging her, and supervising her homework. She has behaved in an absolutely unbearable way, become more and more abusive and resistant to me as I've tried to become more involved. I've cried so much in the past week - she has gone out of her way to attack me, doing it in front of my other dc's. I can feel myself slipping back into a clinical depression and it's affecting my ability to parent my other dc's.
And it's dawned on me that unless she wants to achieve, and wants my help, then there is nothing to be gained from my involvement, other than to make me feel incredibly anxious and powerless about how badly she's underachieving. Her laziness (in all areas of her life, not just school) has been the source of so much sadness and conflict over the past few years, and nothing we have said or done has made any difference.
So tonight I've made a decision to step back and cease any involvement. The way I feel now I don't even want to go to her parents evenings or read her reports any more, because I can't see what good it will do if I'm powerless to help her. Having to know the finer details of how she's ruining her life chances will poison our relationship even more.
DH has some involvement still - he is trying to help her with her maths, and some of her other subjects, and to a limited extent she will accept this, but he finds it very frustrating too as she is really resistant to doing things in anything other than the quickest and most slap-dash way. He works long hours in a stressful job and is tired when he gets back in the evening. I feel incredibly guilty that as a SAHM and qualified teacher I'm not the one taking charge of her work, but she simply won't let me.
Also like me, he is profoundly disappointed in her unwillingness to do anything outside of school. She won't join any clubs. She sings well but won't do anything with it. Is musical but refused to continue with piano because she couldn't be bothered to practise. Couldn't be bothered to continue with guitar, despite being offered free lessons by my sister who is a music teacher. She has no hobbies. Never had. Never gets involved in any extra curricula activities. It doesn't help that all her cousins are sporty, academic and/or very musical, and are all busy developing themselves, while dd lies in bed texting and eating crisps day in, day out. It makes me dread family gatherings and feel like a total failure as a parent.
Has anyone else given up trying to help? How has it worked out?
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Teenagers
Disengaging from dc's education
33 replies
minifingers · 19/11/2012 21:00
OP posts:
youcalledthecatabastard ·
20/11/2012 18:24
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