from 12yrs to 13

Original poster

Satty · 06/01/2004 10:25

My son who will be 13yrs in April doesn't talk to me at all, he seem to be having some sort of a problem but does discuss it with me. I have spoken to the school and have told them that something is not right with him, they seem to think he is ok BUT I know something is wrong, last night he said he doesn't going to school I asked him if he was bullied or some has upset him but no answer from him
SOEMONE PLS HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what do i do

OP posts:

norma · 06/01/2004 10:39

Hi there, I have a grunting 14yr old ds and also an 11yr old ds. They do tend to go through uncommunicative phases, but your instinct that something may be wrong should not be ignored. It could be something of a very personal nature that he may be embarrassed to talk to hs mum about, so a gentle, private approach with you bringing up some suggestions first which may make him relax and smile eg is your foreskin too tight? Are you embarrassed because you have been getting spontaneous erections at school etc might prompt him into revealing the truth.
It might also be something that he has done wrong which has got him into trouble with his mates eg he may have stolen something. Again he wouldn't want to let on to you if that was the case.Or it could be simply normal reluctance to go back to school following the xmas hols. Has he got outstanding homework that he will get into trouble for not having finished? I would suggest making an appt. to talk to his tutor if you are still worried.

Luckymum · 06/01/2004 10:40

Satty, sorry your'e having problems.

My ds2 is 12 (13 in July) also have ds1 15. Ds2 doesn't talk much either, I think he's coming into his 'Kevin' phase IYNWIM. Ds2 HATES going back to school after a break and gets a bit depressed about it. He's fine once he's gone back because he needs routine and gets a bit lost otherwise. Recently he's been worried about puberty and the changes that are starting to happen with him. (I got this from Ds1, he didn't tell me himself)

In my experience they won't talk if they don't want to but all you can do is give him the opportunity to talk and for him to know you are there for him. What about his mates/other siblings, have they picked up on anything?

Hope things improve soon

Lisa78 · 06/01/2004 10:43

My 14 yr old went thru these phases but I think the fact he isn't answering a direct question means something is up. It might be helpful to get someone "outside" to talk to him - uncle, family friend - teenagers often open up more then

Original poster

Satty · 06/01/2004 11:38

My jsut called me from the scholl [not like him to do that at all] asking if i am picking him after school i asked him everthing is OK he ssiad yes and it seemed that he had been crying, I asked him about his friends if they are playing with him not bulling him in anyway pushing him around things like that but he said on it's ok

OP posts:

norma · 06/01/2004 11:48

That suggests to me Satty that he is worried about walking home on his own, and that he may well have been threatened. Try to stay calm and loving to get him to open up if you can. It's a tough age for boys.

Twinkie · 06/01/2004 12:00

Message withdrawn

alibubbles · 06/01/2004 14:35

Satty, if you buy one book on parenting this year, get this one.

Get out of my life, but first take me and Alex into town.

By Tony Wolf and Suzanne Franks ISBN1 86197 341 1

It is brilliant, readable, and reassuring. It is a stage your son is going through, it is hell and you are not alone.

I have come out the other side, DS is 16 and 'back' from his wilderness years. He's quite nice to have around and he surprised us with his GCSE results despite doing not an ounce of work!

If you want to email me, please feel free to contact me, taake care.

Luckymum · 06/01/2004 16:22

Alibubbles, thats a wonderful description. My 15 year old is still in the wilderness but someone else recently said to me that 'they do come back to you'. So I am waiting and also hoping that he too performs something of a miracle in his GCSE's this year.

Satty, I agree it sounds like a bit of trouble with someone at school and maybe you should call them again. Good luck

Tortington · 06/01/2004 20:38

being bullied is really horrible - if its something you suspect - tell the school to keep a special watch and make an appointment to see head of year every week.
i have a 14 yr old - and i when i KNOW something is wrong but he wont tell me - i get him on his own and give him a cuddle - even though he pretends he doesnt really want it - then i tell him that unless he tells me - i cant help to make it better but trust is oh so important - if you say you wont go into school - make sure you phrase it correctly - so " i wont go into school until we discuss things". he always tells me - sometimes has a little cry. then to make things better maybe a promise of a CD he wants or order a pizza. i also find that you h ave to inject humour somewhere - so "if you dont tell me i will eat sprouts and fart for a week "- or - "i will show your nekkid baby photos to your next girl friend" - or - "i will kiss you in the street!"

also look up some helpline numbers and tell him he can use the phone anytime to ring the numbers

good luck i hope things get better soon - keep on at the school!

Original poster

Satty · 07/01/2004 11:48

Thank you for all the messages u have sent, I picked my son from school yesterday and on the way I asked him why did he call me at work, oh coz u didn’t tell me if you was coming or not FINE!!! Than I asked him why is he so unhappy, he said that he’s got test coming up in March and April and they are going to be very hard [that’s what the teachers has been saying] now I know what the problem is it’s not bulling, he is worried about his tests but he still refused to go to school. I have offered to get him extra help in maths or another subject but I don’t get any answer from him.

This morning he called again saying the same thing I don’t like school I don’t want to go. Having said that I will change his school or his class if he is have problems didn’t help he just says I hate school I don’t like it. I called the class teacher this morning [well left message on the voice mail] asking him to arrange a meeting to discuss why suddenly he started to hate school so much.

OP posts:

poopsy · 22/07/2004 14:35

hello all,
i wish i could help someone but it is in a way reassurring to know i am not alone. my son is 13 and is always grumpy, angry and rude to me and his little sister who is 8. i think he has a bad attitude problem , i am learning to be firm now but its not working , he never shows this side when his dad is around, when i tell his dad, he tells him off and when he is not around he starts again. i really do not know what to do, i have prayed about it lots of times, somehow i think he also thinks i give too much attention to his sister, i tell myself maybe thats because she is a lot nicer to me. what am i doing wrong and what can i do better, i really love him and would like a fresh start with him.

Tortington · 22/07/2004 19:51

think thats just the definition of being a teenager. its easy to dislike your own children at points. my son is 14 btw, so i have had the same experience.

i did the "oprah winfrey esq" stylee talk, he was getting out of hand about a month ago. after the talk i realised he was pissed off becuase he was constantly grounded ( for legitimate reasons) but the rules continued to be broken BECUASE he was grounded - ie. lying and coming in late just to get a bit of freedom.

so we started fresh and i told him that he has to earn trust. i told him i would give him the trust to go out until 9pm on school nights if he doesn't abuse it. on the understanding if he does he loses thenext night out. and it has worked.

the thing is i got caught up with being annoyed all the time rather than doing the supernanny teenage equivalent of 5 mins in the playroom, i was instantly saying "right grounded for a week" and a week is too long a day works better giving them a chance to redeem themselves and regain the trust i have given.

good luck
xxx

ScummyMummy · 23/07/2004 19:38

wise words, custard face.
Hope things improve soon, poopsy and Satty.