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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Boyfriend sleepover

49 replies

doinmummy · 14/10/2012 15:14

DD14 wanted 15 year old boyfriend to sleepover last night . I said no.
She said they would watch a film and then she would sleep on sofa and he could have her bed. I said no. He had to be up early this am for a busy day sport/travel wise. And depite that they are too young.
She came round with him anyway, I said no. after much swearing at me by DD boyfriend walked home.

I feel so bad. Strongly dislike of DD- she thinks of no one but herself. Feel so sorry for B/F. I dont want him to think I dont like him, but just not appropriate that they have a sleepover at this age.

Opinion please.

OP posts:

PickledFanjoCat · 14/10/2012 17:06

Well I wouldn't let the boy sleep over. If she has behavioural problems anyway especially not.

Sorry op I have no experience with teen girls, you've said you need a bit of help and I hope someone can give you done ideas.

Not really helpful just to say you've done the wrong thing without offering some assistance.

Original poster

doinmummy · 14/10/2012 17:07

How have I done the wrong thing? I didn't let him stay.

OP posts:

PickledFanjoCat · 14/10/2012 17:08

I mean your asking for help in handling her!

You said blanking her isn't helping.

alemci · 14/10/2012 17:14

I think you did the right thing. could his parents not come over to collect him. she shouldn't swear at you in front of him but really she just showed herself up.

i can understand you blanking her. I used to do it to my own dd as she upset me so much. i totally withdrew from her. she has gone to university and it is so much easier.

PickledFanjoCat · 14/10/2012 17:17

The way I was as a teenager I wouldn't have blamed my mother for keeping me in the shed. I am nice now.

Original poster

doinmummy · 14/10/2012 17:18

Sorry Pickled misunderstood.

Blanking her is the only way that has any effect. Not ideal at all I know but saves her screaming at me.

OP posts:

Original poster

doinmummy · 14/10/2012 17:21

Thankyou Pickled its so hard to desccribe how my daughter is. She really seems to not care sometimes. I tried taking her phone off her once, She wouldn't give it to me so I tried to physically take it. Ended up with her hitting me.

OP posts:

EuroShopperEnergyDrink · 14/10/2012 19:28

I'm going to go against the grain and say cut her some slack. She seems like a right stroppy little madam and she had no right to organise this sleepover without asking you or swearing at you- but it seems like you are babying her.

Now, I'm certainly not insinuating you buy her a double bed and some petals to sprinkle upon it- but her little set up (however unorganised it was) seemed fairly innocent. You'd be surprised how many kids would automatically assume that their boy/girlfriends would just be sleeping in her bed.

She wanted to watch a film, and for them to sleep in separate rooms. Innocent. Nothing wrong with that- and nothing about that arrangement is she too young for OR will encourage sexual activity.

Punish her for her shit behavior, but say once she behaves like an adult- she'll be treated like one. I think that a sleepover like this in a few weeks time will be an excellent bargaining tool with her...

PickledFanjoCat · 14/10/2012 19:29

God I don't really blame you, just didn't want you to get flamed.

My friend has just been through all this and now her daughter is ok again (16 now)

Original poster

doinmummy · 14/10/2012 19:39

I feel shitty enough as it is. I'm just not happy with a boy sleeping over. I know my DD and she will always push her luck. I wouldn't trust her to watch a film and then go into seperate rooms. And anyway my house , my rules etc. I just wish she would do as I ask just once without making a bloody scene.

We have negotiated other things, I opened a bank account , she gets a monthly allowance and an ATM card. We agreed she can get a train with her friends to a shopping Mall. I just draw the line a t a 14 year old having a boyfriend of one week to sleep over.

OP posts:

Original poster

doinmummy · 14/10/2012 19:41

She only said about the sleeping arrangements after I pointed out that there was nowhere for the lad to sleep

OP posts:

Felicitywascold · 14/10/2012 19:44

I knew I'd get flamed. I haven't said anything about not having a proper friendship, just that they cant sleep together

I honesty wasn't trying to flame you, and I'm sorry if you felt like that. I was trying to offer constructive advice. Fwiw I think you are doing the right thing the wrong way ifyswim. Yep I wouldn't have let him stay over but it's the handling of the situation I think you could improve. I'm also not saying I'm perfect- far from it. But there are different strategies that work. Employed properly you might find you like your DD again!

Original poster

doinmummy · 14/10/2012 19:48

It all starts out quite calm. I pointed out that he would have no where to sleep and I was not comfortable with him sleeping over, so the answer is no. DD tells me that they are on their way. I say no again, she tells me to fuck off. Down hill from there

OP posts:

PickledFanjoCat · 14/10/2012 19:57

No way would I let the boy sleep over.

She's only 14.

Plenty of time for that when she is older.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 14/10/2012 20:03

Felicity, do you have a teenage daughter ?

Original poster

doinmummy · 14/10/2012 20:07

Exactly Pickled

OP posts:

jellybeans · 16/10/2012 13:47

I think you are right not to let her. And right to punish her. Disagree with all the people who say let her off with a little talk etc. You need to be in control, firm but fair. Too many people try to be friends and get taken over. My 16 year old is extremely strong willed, always has been, and I punish her by taking the phone and things away that I PAY for. I also won't give lifts, cook fancy meals etc if she treats me like dirt. She has to learn she can't speak to people like that and then get things in return. If she was like that to friends or an employer etc she would pay the price. It doesn't always work right away but in general it does. DD (and sister) also only gets their allowance each week if behaviour has been good. DD (16) is getting more mature and coming through this stage although still has her moments. I would stop the phone/money etc while she is rude or agressive. And say only when you are happy with the age/maturity and behaviour improves will you consdier sleepovers with boyfriends.

Original poster

doinmummy · 16/10/2012 15:22

Thank you jelly . I agree that I don't want to be her friend. She is massively strong willed and I will absolutely not meet her half way by saying he can stay over another time if she shows me some maturity. I have stopped her allowance .

OP posts:

Onceortwice · 16/10/2012 15:27

Doin - I am guessing that you and your DD's father are no longer together?

I have some sympathy about this. My DH has two elder DDs (my DSDs) and he gives them (IMHO) far too much freedom / independence. ANd, of course, the backlash goes back to their mum, who doesn't / won't do the same.

I stay out of it, because my DSDs mum wouldn't thank me for trying to get involved, but I do feel for you.

Astelia · 18/10/2012 04:09

Why did he appear at your house at 11pm? Especially if he had a busy day the following day? His parents haven't helped the situation letting him go out so late.

I would get the phone numbers of DD's BF and his parents though if I were you. I have the numbers of my teens' best friends and their parents. It is very useful.

chocoluvva · 18/10/2012 20:45

I think you did really well OP. It can't have been easy being faced by her and her BF. I'd have been furious if I'd said no and then my DD had tried to force my hand like that.
You know your DD better than anyone else. Some DDs are very strong-willed (I speak from experience). Imagine if BF HAD stayed over- you wouldn't have slept a wink and what would she then be asking for next week? A BF of only one week as well - she might have half a dozen diffferent BFs before she's 15. Should they all be allowed to stay over too? Of course not.
It must be very difficult for you having to deal with a teen without the support of her dad. Don't give yourself a hard time. It's easy for other people to tell you how to be an IDEAL parent.
It will get easier - your DD is going through the horrendous teens stage - she'll start to come out of it when she's 16 or 17. Hang on in there and be kind to yourself.

FamilyAngel · 18/10/2012 23:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

sleepingdogs · 22/10/2012 05:40

Do you think that maybe some outside help might be useful for both you and DD? Is there anyone in RL, professional or otherwise, or some helpline you could call to talk with someone?

Its tough on your own, and tough for DD too I imagine. She sounds unhappy and in need of some boundaries. You're her Mum and that's your job, but so difficult if she's being vile. Seek out some support for yourself and then you'll be more able to give DD the support she seems to need. And make her something to eat

nooka · 22/10/2012 05:57

My ds is 13 and not anywhere near having a girlfriend serious enough to bring home let alone stay over, but as parents we expect to have the final say on sleepovers and I don't think we will be changing our position on that for many years. Absolutely fine to say no, and your reasons (his early start, there being no bed) were fine too. I would also be saying no to watching of films until 1.30 on any night and absolutely no way on a school night.

Oh and totally coming down on any rudeness, privileges would be gone pretty damn fast.

For the behaviour though I agree with sleepingdogs and FamilyAngels I think that some mediation/therapy might really be worth looking for, because you've a few more years to get through yet and it sounds as if things are really fairly horrible and likley to get more so.

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