How much freedom would you give your 14 year old?

[Natmu]

Dsd spends almost equal amounts of time with us and her mother. Mum's rules are very different to ours and dsd has a lot more freedom to do as she pleases at mum's house eg stay out at parties with older Boyf until midnight etc. Dh and I feel this is not appropriate for 14 year old and are always asking questions eg where will you be? And who will you be with? As a result dsd is now saying she wants to change contact arrangements and spend more time at mum's. Are we being unreasonable by imposing stricter rules? Should we lighten up for sake of our relationship with dsd? Am mostly worried about her safety as she is v beautiful and looks older than her years.

Natmu, we have similar issue with our almost 14 yr old daughter, beautiful, budding figure, looks about 17. We walk a fine line between over protection, and wanting to allow the freedom to grow. My exh and I don't generally get along,but we had a major discussion regarding our child and how we would set limits. She is allowed to go to cinema with a group of friends, may go to shopping centre with friends. She may not go to parties if older teens will be present. We call parents to ask about party arrangements, making certain they will be home during party. She must arrive home by Midnight, either picked up by parents, friends parents, or taxi. Never is she allowed to driven around by older teens.
Sorry, this was so long, but I know how anxiety producing parenting a teen can be...perhaps have a word with her father if possible. You are both still her parents after all ...

Thanks for advice cynner. I am actually 14 year old's step mum. Dh and I agree entirely about boundaries and rules etc. Prob is dh's ex disagrees and let's her do what she wants and therefore undermines all our rules. We have tried discussing this with dh's ex but she says she agrees then goes straight back to letting her do as she pleases.

Gah, Natmu, sorry I should have taken closer read. Saw 14 yr old and took off!
I'm guessing you and your husband will have to stick to your rules with dsd. Not much you can do to force mum into compliance, unless your dh wished to try for sole custody. I wish I had more powerful advice.

I have a 14 year old and I think your rules are very reasonable. In fact we wouldn't let our DD stay out that late. Weekend pickups by 10.30pm latest. If she is getting back by public transport she has to be home before it is dark. We always know who she is with and roughly where she is.

We make the point that if for some reason the police are questioning us, we would look very poor parents if we didn't know where she was and who she was with. It is all about keeping her safe.

If relations are not great between your DH and his exDW is it possible she is allowing her DD greater freedom to 'win' in her eyes over her dad? Just a thought obviously.

However, if his ex is just one of those weak types that would rather curry favour with a child than be a responsible parent, then I think you can only talk to your DSD openly about the dangers and express how you think she should and should not be behaving.

You're right on both counts pygsney, relations are not that great but I'm inclined to think it's more that she'd rather be best friend than mother. Nice to know you don't think we're being ott though. Will stick to my guns and hopefully once hormones have settled dsd will see the light!

Hi
what does dsd mean?

Dear Step daughter. Not sure why you are commenting on a 10 year old post though!

I think you’re being very fair. My 14 year old DD isn’t allowed stay out late at night, unless it’s a friends house when we drop and collect.

She’s allowed go for days out, cinema, shopping malls, teenage discos etc but we alway ensure she’s dropped and collected by us or friends parents.
Stick to your guns, she’ll thank you in the long run …. They need freedom but also boundaries.

I think I'm pretty lax with rules but there is no way I'd be letting a 14 year old out until midnight with a boyfriend. My daughter has a huge amount of autonomy during the daytime but she has to be home for 6:30 and I always know where she is. If she's at a party then she can't go unless I pick her up so she has to give me an address and she's not allowed to stay past 10:00.

did not realise this was a zombie thread