What is the best way to deal with my mentally ill son.

[lulu6867]

My son is 19 and shows all the signs of having borderline personality disorder. What I am asking is how do we deal with that as his family, I have already tried to set boundaries with money lending and the way he talks to us all and his manipulating ways so that is a start but these boundaries are just causing him to cut himself more and isolate himself in his room. I want to be there for him but part of me is so very angry at him as I cannot see why he would have anything to be so sad about, but he is so very sad and doesn't know how to cope with his sad and angry feelings apart from self harming. He drinks, takes drugs and punches himself and he has started to cut himself too. He comes across as a spoilt attention seeking little boy and that is what is so hard to get over especially for his dad and sister who don't seem to have the level of empathy I have. I want to be able to step back and let him sort his problems out for himself when he is ready but as a mother I feel I should be able to make my children feel better at the drop of a hat, and I really can't do that, nothing I say or do seems to help him. What do I do and how do I switch off from his behaviour a little so I don't feel like I am going to burst with sadness and fear that every time I get a phone call it will be someone telling me he has done something drastic.

Sorry to hear you're having such a tough time, lulu. I don't think it's at all unusual to feel angry in situations like this. It sounds like your son's problems are complicated, and it's hard to disentangle all the different factors - mental health problems, self-harming, drug and alcohol misuse... You must have more questions than answers. You do sound a bit overwhelmed. :(

I think it would be good for you to get some real-life support. Mind (the mental health charity) have a parent support service/phone line www.youngminds.org.uk/for_parents / 0808 802 5544 (Monday to Friday, 9.30am to 4pm). And you could see your GP and ask for counselling - it will probably help a lot to talk through your feelings. Once you've been able to off-load a bit, it might be easier to plan and work out what you can and can't realistically do.

Meanwhile, be kind to yourself. Try and do some nice things for yourself - something you really enjoy. It will help you cope better with the difficult times if you've had some good ones :)

Is he getting any help from the CMHT? The quality of services available for people with BPD varies enormously, from nothing at all through to very well set up appropriate treatment, but even if your area is lacking in specialist treatment the CMHT should be able to offer some support.

I'm not sure what to suggest in terms of boundary setting etc - I have a BPD diagnosis but from what you are saying it sounds like your son presents in a very different way to me (not uncommon, as BPD is quite a broad diagnosis). Mine primarily centres around low mood, some difficult relationships caused partially by fear of rejection, lots of feelings of being worthless and inadequate and various other things - I don't drink/take drugs/shoplift/get into one night stands/frequently self harm, which are a lot of the things people commonly associate with BPD. I have always tried very hard to not let my problems impact too much on those around me, although of course at times they do, particularly if I am very unwell.

Try to be supportive - I am sure it must be really difficult when you feel like he is acting like a spoilt brat and being deliberately awkward, but he is ill, and probably really struggling with his illness. It is a very isolating, difficult illness to live with, and he probably hates the way that he behaves at times (I know I do anyway). Also, you said you don't know what he has to be sad about, but frequently people who have BPD are also depressed, and as I'm sure you know that doesn't neccessarily have to be 'about' anything. You can't fix it for him, and it will probably be an issue for a long time if it is BPD, but over time hopefully he will develop insight into his problems which should make things a bit easier. Remind your husband and daughter that he is ill, not just being a twunt on purpose, but also tell him that he needs to take some responsibility for his behaviour, and that being ill doesn't give him permission to behave like a twunt!

There are various books around - some are awful and some are very good. It may help him to read some too; you can feel incredibly alone with BPD, and just seeing that there are other people experiencing the same kind of problems can be really comforting. Also, you have probably already read it, but there is this info on the Mind website www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/borderline_personality_disorder

Hi I can't really add more to the above, except to suggest that if he is in college he gets support from them until his ChAMS referral comes through as that may take a while. Use your local council website to direct you to appropriate organisations, or if your son is not ready use the book suggested in previous posts as a starting point. You are already doing the most import thing and being there for your son.
Good luck