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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Lonely and depressed DS

19 replies

Fil1234 · 14/09/2012 16:43

Hi!
Sorry, this may be a bit long!
My DS is 15 - he's lovely,very quiet but a really nice boy - but doesn't seem to have any friends.(He says he does find it hard to make conversation sometimes).
He use to hang around with a large group of boys up until a few months ago and now nothing! They just stopped inviting him out and in some cases just ignor him.He talks to people at school but has no social life outside of school apart from a sports club he goes to once a week (there is no one his own age they are eiother younger or older).
When I ask him if he has arranged to do anything socially he nearly jumps down my throat and tells me not to go on ( I do really try but it is hard not to say anything!).He just goes to his room and plays on his XBox or listens to music.
Today he came home from school and we sat chatting for a while and then he went on to say that the boys he use to hang around with just don't talk to him anymore and he doesn't really hang around with anyone in particular now. I asked him why they don't talk to him and he said he didn't want to talk about it as it really upsets him.
I dont really know any of the parents of the boys he use to hang around with but should I get involved and speak to one of the parents about it? Not sure - if my son found out I think he would be mortified. I did speak to his head of year at the end of term about it - but she told me he seemed OK and I should leave it a while. But I can see he is getting very upset by it and I would hate for him to be lonely and depressed. My DH has spoken to him but he hasn't opened up to him either - any thoughts on how we can help him - or am I just being over sensitive?
I would appreciate your help -thanks

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 14/09/2012 16:51

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Fil1234 · 14/09/2012 17:07

Yes - think I do need to speak to the school - it's not nice is it s you really feel a bit helpless, thanks!

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Perriwinkle · 14/09/2012 17:16

Oh, this is so tough. My heart really does go out to you for how this must be making you feel. I know that at my DS's school they are big into the whole Restorative Justice thing that a lot of schools do. Basically, the way it works is that two parties are brought together to try and work through a situation and find our what went wrong and bring some resolution to it. Often it happens if a particular incident has occured, such as a fight or an argument, and on many occasions there are more than two people invited to attend. The idea is that the situation is examined from both sides and the parties are able to put their viewpoints across and say how it's made them feel. I think the idea is that the whole thing gets "thrashed out" so to speak and each side gets a hearing and hopefully differences are resolved and matters laid to rest so that people can move on. They have staff specially trained to deal with these sessions. I have also known it to happen in sitautions where there have been fallings out with groups of friends or "ganging up" and it's left one party feeling uncomfortable, confused or upset - as is perhaps the case wtih your DS. I was wondering if his school might be able to get your DS and the boys he's no longer close to together in a room to discuss where things have broken down? At our school they are keen to get all parties to understand and acknowledge how the other is feeling and the impact that their actions have had on the others. At least if these boys explained to your DS why they no longer want to have him as a friend he might be able to make a bit more sense of it all..? It might also be a case of one ringleader and other "sheepole" as I like to call them, following. Maybe they have no idea how their actions are making your DS feel and being forced to confront it might just make them think...? Maybe your DS did do something to offend inadvertantly and and didn't realise? Who knows? Maybe he did nothing at all but at least thrashing it out might give him some answers. It's my feeling that ignoring someone who you have simply dropped as a friend, and doing so as a group, is a form of bullying and the school should want to investigate this, particularly if it is making your DS miserable as this will no doubt have an impact on his learning.

The years between 12 and 18 are such odd years. Children are all growing and developing and changing, finding themselves etc and fall in an out of friendships regularly. Sometimes, particulalry with boys, some are interested in the opposite sex at a far earlier age and others are slower to develop in that area - this can mean that all of a sudden they have little in common with boys they've been friendly with for years. There may be all sorts of reasons why his friends have dropped your poor DS but it would be lovely to think that he could find some new ones to replace them. It's very hard for you as a mum to watch all of this and to see him go through heartache but all I can suggest is keep the lines of communication open with him and keep telling him that he can always tell you anything and that you're there for him if he wants to talk at any time , day or night and that if he feels there's anything you can do to help as far as the school goes, just tell you. My feeling would be to back off a little from trying to organise him and his social life for him. The last thing you want to do is to irritate and send him into his shell. I think if I were in your shoes I'd contact his form tutor and try and have a chat to see if they can help in any way, or at least give you any insight they might have into how he is at school.

The bottom line is that a lot of kids look back as adults and say they hated school because it's a pretty shitty time for some people and growing up is hard and fraught with problems but you'll see, he'll find his own way and won't be short of friends for too long. He will find someone, or a new group, to click with sooner or later. It's just a case of finding them.

PropositionJoe · 14/09/2012 17:19

I don't have much to suggest about what you should do - but you definitely shouldn't involve the other boy's parents at this age. I would try having a chat with the form tutor though.

Fil1234 · 14/09/2012 17:19

Thanks for taking the time to give advice - much appreciated x

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numbertaker · 14/09/2012 17:25

Have you thought that the gang of boys might have been putting pressure on your son to do or act in a way that he does not want to, so he has separated himself from them, or them from him because of this.

Looking at my own teenage years there were many situations that I would have loved to had friends who would let me be me, and not want me to act like them.

I might be totally wrong, but its worth a thought.

mumblechum1 · 14/09/2012 18:02

I would definitely not contact the other parents, this is likely to make things far worse.

My ds has also gone through phases like yours is going through at the moment; he's had 2 "best" school friends in the last 6 years, and each time he's been dropped in a gradual sort of way, and the same thing has happened with various groups, although the group thing has sometimes being him getting bored with a certain set and joining another one.

Fortunately he has one very close friend who's more like a brother but he goes to a different school.

DS has now all but given up socially at his school but socialises a lot with boys from the other school, most weekends he's out at parties with them, but if he waited for invites from people at school he'd be a hermit Wink

The way he describes it is, if these were people he worked with and saw every day he wouldn't want to hang out with them outside of work more than occasiionally, so why would he just because it's a school, not a work situ?

This is a wordy way of saying that your son should probably do one or more of the following;

  1. Drop these "friends" altogether and make new friendships at school through clubs/sports/DofE or something
  1. Make more friends entirely outside school through something like Army or RAF cadets/Adventure Scouts/sports/whatever.
  1. Seriously think about going to a different Sixth Form where no one is in cliques and he doesn't stand out as The Friendless One.
Fil1234 · 14/09/2012 18:10

I must admit he has got bored with some of the things that they have done so may be it may be something to do with that - thanks for re-affirming my thoughts on contacting the parents (my DH thought this would be a good idea and I disagreed as not sure if they would say anything to their DS's and couldn't trust them). He has already said he would like to go to 6th form elsewhere to make new friends - thanks for advice x

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Bunbaker · 14/09/2012 18:17

DD has more friends outside of school than at school.

thewhistler · 14/09/2012 18:50

I agree with mumble completely. This happened to my Ds too.

What we have done is a lot of what mumble describes, Ds has taken up SN unusual hobby, very mixed age range, no one from school. He also has joined a club with a teen age range but again, no one from school. He has at last made a few friends from school who are more on his wave length but most of the ones he initially had he finds boring, and tbh they prob find him boring too. He doesn't socialise a lot, he prefers home.

Because he was depressed, however, he is now seeing a counsellor. And that is helping too. 10 per cent if teenagers have mh issues, a huge number. So if it continues that he appears depressed, do something about it through your gp. My Ds would have died, literally, not joking, before going to counselling through school.

Hth

Fil1234 · 15/09/2012 11:30

Thanks for all advice - can anyone suggest a different hobby he may be able to do or club he may be able to join? He is a home bod but would just like him to have a bit of a social life - thanks

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mumblechum1 · 15/09/2012 12:13

Sports:

basketball
american football
karate
athletics
rowing

Non-sports

Cadets (RAF, Army, Sea)
Adventure scouts
Getting a job woudl be a good way to meet people

Fil1234 · 15/09/2012 17:43

Thanks - good ideas x

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summer111 · 15/09/2012 18:09

Fil1234, does your son have XBOX live? The reason I ask is that ds (13) made his three best friends through it - all in different forms but at the same school. They meet up at the weekends to go to the cinema etc so it has worked out well!

Fil1234 · 16/09/2012 14:39

Thanks - that's an idea

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gingeroots · 16/09/2012 16:56

DS does this
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Live_action_role-playing_game

groups in different parts of country ,you may have to search for one near you

forums.rule7.co.uk/Forum74-1.aspx

visualarts · 16/09/2012 17:17

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visualarts · 16/09/2012 17:37

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Fil1234 · 17/09/2012 10:44

Hi - thank you for all your great advice. He is in year 11 and cannot wait to leave school, but nevertheless I would like his last year to be OK for him and have some good times to remember from his school days.
Music is his passion so I am trying to find a group for him to join - thanks again x

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