saying you have anger management problems is no excuse for telling me to F** off. my dd

[slartybartfast]

she is grounded because of it. in fact when i reminded her she told me to F** off again.

she is Very difficult. wants to go out and see her friends all the time, and I am worried what she is up to and who she is seeing.
she says she has anger management probelms at home. what can i do.
i feel so impotent about it all. a woman at the school thinks she is depressed as well but i dont have much faith that this woman is qualified to make these sort of judgements, let alone suggest it to my dd !
luckily she is sending her to school nurse who i hope is more qualified.

sigh. surely all teenagers are diffiuclt and hormonal, it is par for the course?

No, you need to take her to your gp. Depression can only be diagnosed by a doctor, and maybe given medication for it.

Do you think she is depressed?

How old is she?

how old is she?

What sort of hobbies does she have? Can she devote more time to hobbies than going out (somewhere who knows where) with mates?

she is almsot 13,
i dont think she is depressed. but i dont know how I wold know. she has no real hobbies, apart from ipod - facebook/twitter. which is a bone of contention.

Some teenagers are the lovely easy laid back kind, they're a rare breed though :).
I went through the out with 'friends' all the time phase with both of mine, DD2s just earlier this year. I find it tapered off after a few months, so don't despair.
The novelty of hanging out on street corners will wear off.

Can you take her to the doctors to discuss the anger management and depression with them? Would she agree to that? If so, they may refer to CAHMS where she'll get help for any problems she's having, anger management, depression, counselling. It can take a while to get the referral through, but it's worth it, I found.
It was par the course for me, they've both been utter miserable bastards to put up with for months at a time when they were 14-15. It does get better. xx

Well, yes. All, well the vast majority of teenagers get hormoanl and irrational, but it depends on where your limits are. Swearing at me would be crossing the line for me, but in many families it is not such a big issue. You only have to look at the number of posters who think it's cool to swear on here (presumably as part of their everyday language and not in anger) to see it's not such a big issue for everyone.
If she has anger management issues, then she needs to work hard at finding a way of dealing with it though, not going through life using the term as some kind of 'Get out of Jail Free' card, whilst continuing to abuse those around her.

thanks

have been persuaded by school to take her to gp, next week, but I myself am finding it hard to come to terms with the suggestion. As when she was a baby/toddler and anythign was questioned about her. for e.g nursery querying that she didnt like getting her hands dirty, as if it was somethign to worry about.
We at least have doctors appontment, and i spose if she feels she has anger management problems and the school are worried then perhaps camhs would help. however i worked for camhs and saw the abundance of referrals they get that are inappropriate and/or wait so long to be seen i dont have much faith in them.
any tips for managinger anger?

I would look into finding some type of hobbies that she can occupy herself with, as I really do think that any type of interest adds a bit of self assurance, keeps them of the streets with their mates and makes them happier.

Think drama, tennis, youth clubs, (many have gone in the cuts) triathlon, cycling, running, inline skating, ice skating, netball,karate, boxing, judo

If she is feeling low some type of activity will make her feel better -even dog walking for a friend, and can use up some extra energy rather than being angry, Something to focus on will help.

she gave up gymnastics a while ago, and she does ask about going back to dancing, so that is a good idea. i shall look into that
she might go swimming but i am not sure if she would go with me, i shall ahve to look into that - money is an issue but i am sure thigns are surmountable and her prevoius friends from primary school are no longer her friends so her new friends are a bus ride away. which doesnt help

look for local clubs for dancing
could you look for a swimming club locally to you- this may be cheaper than you and her going once a week and paying entry to pool?

Does she run or cycle? - running clubs and cycling clubs are often very cheap

the more knackered she is the less her mouth will move

When you are calm and feel closer can you talk to her about how you are going to react when she is angry, and what you will tolerate when she is angry?
DS has been like this and it has taken time but I sort of had phrases that I repeated which he knew I had a 'rules', and in having an agreement over them, I felt more in control of how I dealt with the situation.

He knew he should not hurt his sister or be verbally aggressive to her.
Nothing should get damaged. Smashed. Thrown.
He could not swear at me.

I would Try to calmly state that 'we' need to calm down before we can resolve anything.
I would use 'we' as it is less accusatory and stopped me from 'over' punishing him whilst still angry. (you can't actually ground then until they are 34, or NEVER give them pocket money again )

I told him regularly that I believed in him and that we would get through it, he has a lot of potential and that I understood how hard it was.
He thought he was 'bad' and couldn't change. So he would actually behave worse.

I taught myself to wait for an apology when he had calmed down instead of shrieking for demanding one in the middle of a row. It would always mean more when he had calmed down and I achieved nothing by adding wanting an apology in the middle of the heat of the moment.

We always talk after just to iron out what caused it, why I felt the way I did and why he felt the way HE did.

Things changed quite a lot for us when I told him that I loved him unconditionally, but that that wasn't a license to behave badly in order to test that love.
I told him I was his brick wall, and there were boundaries he wasn't allowed to cross, and that however much he hated that now, I would be doing him no favours in the long run by just standing by an letting him behave badly.

Punishments were on two levels. Something to balance what he had done, and something that he could actually 'earn' back with better behaviour.
Even if it was confiscating his X Box for two days, and the first day was fixed but if he did something that showed he was truly sorry, then he could get it back earlier. This gave him an incentive to improve.

Sorry for the essay, but we have been truly to hell and that we are in the place we are in now is amazing and if anything we tried helps, I would be glad.

DS also talked to someone, which helped a lot. However much I love him, sometimes I think hearing stuff from 'mum' just made him shut off.

All the best x

Why are you hesitating. Your dd is under 13; swearing at you, you don't know where she at all times, school is involved; and you are aware there are anger management problems. None of that is right and it needs to be dealt with straight away. Your dd needs help and you need help to support her and to keep her on the straight and narrow.

I have a 14 year old dd, and a 17 yr ds. DD simply does not go out or expect to go out unless I know where she is going and who she is with. We have had our problems around self esteem and a flirt with anorexia - we got her counselling straight away and it turned what could have become serious around very quickly. That was at about 12 - your dd needs you to help her and work with school and cahms if you can't fund the counselling yourself.

I think the first thing to try managing it would be identifying the specific problems that make her start losing control of her anger. Or letting her identify them and putting in techniques she can use when she needs them - like taking herself out into the garden and relaxing for a few minutes, bounce about on the trampoline until she's ready to come back inside etc.

Married, some teenagers won't be upfront and truthful even if they did tell their parents where they were going and who they were going with. You aren't going to know different without following them.

PROBLEM Is she often goes out after school without coming home on the bus first. i then have to text her saying, Where are you??

thanks for the guidance.
we have had a disucssion about swimming and dancing and have booked up one swimming lesson, and actually i think she does appreciate bieng grounded

i am not actually sure tbh she has anger management problems - i dont think she is that bad, enough to throw things or break things, she tells me she punches her wall

perhaps i will suggest doing a cartwheel instead of bouncing on trampoline, which we dont have

sorry if I have gone a bit OTT there slarty

not at all frankie

all appreciated i promise,

Read this book: www.amazon.co.uk/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/0375760288. Gives real insight into kids behavior and ways to build a better relationship with them. When I read this it was like a light bulb going on in my head.