15 year old DS gone from one sad situation to another

[caramelsmadfuzzytail]

I have MH issues and don't have a brilliant relationship with DS1. PND when born, my mum was not supportive due to her having a new relationship. Paternal grandparents a god send but too much.

DS spent more time with them than his father, Nanna got the school made cards etc.

Last year DS was finally persuaded to live with GP's. I knew nothing of this until his GD stood on my doorstep and told me, he would never come home.

I have just discovered that he is no better off now than he was with me, except the guilt is bigger.

His GD is really ill ( personally I think its bollox, but hayho), Nanna is on holiday, so he has to cook and look after his GD.

I said to him today that his actions could upset a person, but I can't be arsed, is face lit up when I said that.
DS is the biggest worrier there is and it pisses me off that he is being taken advantage of.

I don't want him back and he doesn't want to come back because he resents his brother and has said as much and with my MH being wobbly due to other family issues I can't say I blame him.

I'm not sure what I want and feel free to ask questions because if I write everything down in one go I'll take over MN.

It does sound like a pretty sad existence for your DS

Is there really no way he could return home, maybe with some family counselling?

How long is his nanna on holiday for, and how much is he doing for his grandad?
At 15, cooking and cleaning is fine but I wouldn't expect him to be doing more personal care such as toileting and baths. If he's used to coping with MH issues in others, physical care of someone may seem less complicated and easier to fix than the more nebulous areas of MH.
How old is the brother he doesn't get on with?
If he's 15, is this his GCSE year? If his GPs love him and he's happy, I'd leave him be.

He's only doing the cooking, his GD was well enough to come and pick him up this afternoon.

His Nanna has always believed that his GD is totally incapable of looking after himself. She is the sort of person that got up at 5 am to make him breakfast and his sandwiches.

I won't be doing anything to upset things as they are because I can't cope with sibling rivalry at the moment.

His Nanna is off for 4 days.

See I know I'm being a dork, but it pisses me off.

I think at 15 he should be focussing on school and not having to care for his grandad. Is he happy at his gp's or does he want to come home?

GCSE year is a tough year and he needs support though that rather than having to support someone else.Why don't you want him back?

His brother is 7

4 days of basic cooking in return for board and lodging and love is hardly being exploited. Are you sure you are putting his needs first?

How hard does he find it living with the OP who has MH issues and an admitted not very good relationship with him, and a little brother though?
If he's happy, leave him.

But 8 years is a big gap. It seems a very large age gap to cause sibling rivalry.

Look at the thread title. the OP thinks he was in a sad situation when he was living at home, and her perception is that he has moved into one. However he didn't discuss it with you.

'I said to him today that his actions could upset a person, but I can't be arsed, is face lit up when I said that.'

He was pleased at the thought that you wouldn't make a fuss and fight his decision. that you couldn't be arsed. He's loved his GPs for years and they him, it sounds like he's made a good choice.

7 year olds can be a pain, not their fault but the nature of being 7.
Do they share a room? Is your younger one mithering your teen all the time? It can be harder with a big age gap because you can't clobber them like a sibling a year younger, nor can you swear at them. An older child can often be made responsible for aspects of the younger one's life, looking after them, taking them places, feeding them.

Do the sons have the same father? Does DS2 have a better relationship with his father? How does your partner get along with DS1?
All these things can make for a very stressful home environment and small things add up to a hundred irritations that can push a teenager to want to leave home.

Is the sibling issue more to do with your relationship with your younger son? Is he jealous that you have a better bond with him?

It doesn't sound like he is having a sad situation. Quite a few of my friends were cooking meals and doing cleaning at home when they were that age.

It is difficult to judge though.

They used to share a room, I moved to a 3 bed house when DS1 became a teenager because I felt he needed his own space and it still backfired horribly.

They have different dads hence the age gap. DS1 has never really had a good relationship with his dad, he went to his DGP's instead of his dads.

DS2 doesn't see his dad because he didn't want to be a parttime father and it was too emotionally draining.

The one thing that has changed with DS1 is that he doesn't talk to me so much as he used to, he has emotionally shut down because there is so much going on

I got interrupted.

I was beginning to have a good relationship with DS1, but all the bickering and winding up was hard to cope with, with MH issues.

If the idea of moving in with his DGP's had been discussed with me, it would have been easier to deal with, instead they snuck his stuff out of the house and he went on a weeks holiday with his Nanna. I was informed by his GD that he was never coming home, during that week.

They were only worried about DS1, so I can't have been that bad, I did rely on him alot because I thought he was old enough to do stuff around the house.

Now that he is not here, we are all a lot more relaxed and he is happy-ish, DGP's are getting older and falling apart and he worries about them instead, plus his other DG has been diagnosed with Motor Nuerone disease.