Someone else needs to parent my son

[Ouma]

We have exhausted all means of support for my son?s behaviour - the main problem being his aggression towards us and his siblings - and nothing has worked. Quite disillusioned with CAMHS, Social Services etc. and I now want him out of our house so we can give his siblings a normal family life. He has just turned 16 - does anyone have any suggestions? I have tried to get him into a boarding school but none will have him with his background and we have been unable to get a statement. Cannot afford £45,000 a year for special residential school for children like him. We are both educated, normal loving parents, but we sometimes think our only option is to fight back and present ourselves as bad parents in order to have him removed. Problem is, our other children might be taken as well and we could be charged for assault. We have in the past called the police but it no longer has any effect, and we do not want him to have a CR, which could happen if we press charges for assault. Any advice would be welcome - we are in a bad situation and all suffering in different ways.

ouma- absolutely nothing to say I'm afraid but didn't want to ignore.

Sounds like you are all at the end of your tethers,

Have you ever told him to leave? What happened?

You CAN choose not to live with him - set him up in a bedsit, sort our housing benefit, etc for him.

I do think you should consider pressing charges - a criminal record would be his choice if he continued with the behaviour, without pressing charges you are depriving him of the natural consequences of criminal behaviour.

So SS won't step in for the sake of the other children or because you can no longer cope.. with a halfway house/ bedsit type thing or foster family?

I think you do need to press charges tbh

Make him homeless and SS will then place him in a half way house they have them set up for 16-18 ish year olds and then assess them to move them when ready into their own place.

Sad as it seems it may be the best thing and your choice of kicking him out of home is to prevent him from hurting other dc.

Give him the number for SS and get him to sort it - otherwise you will not be taken seriously - well he wouldn't e taken seriously

I never considered chucking him out before; it seemed so heartless and he is immature, but if I can get some sort of supervision for him, it might be the cue he needs to grow up and take responsibiity, etc.

I think he is old enough to know what he is doing is wrong, but not old enough to understand the long-term damage to his life chances of having a CR.

I am going to call SS tomorrow - I?m really grateful for all your advice.

I hope you don't think I say that lightly It does semm awful but I know that if your ds is homeless and presents himself as homeless they will do emergency care and get him sorted and then they will help get him sorted with bedsit etc and do all the paperwork. Harsh as it seems it may give your other dc a chance at peace at home

I just wanted to say that at Easter, after several months of aggression and violence, and two previous 999 calls, I did have my son arrested and charged. And although the months since haven't been trouble-free, they have been better, and my son now controls his temper.

I sympathise with wanting to throw him out, and I haven't found an option that would work either... People will tell you to throw him out, but my feeling is that until someone has actually been faced with this decision, they don't know how difficult it is, emotionally and practically.

One of my friends was thrown out at 16, it was the best thing to happen to her, but is not for everyone.

I was listening to the radio the other day, it was a couple whose child had been murdered and who now talk to young people in prison or at risk of a CR. They said one thing that works well is to tell young people if they get a criminal record they can nevedr go to Disneyland, or anywhere else in the US. No idea if that would help your son.

flow obviously has some experience and it seems to have worked.

You have to think about your other children, what is best for them?

Maybe a few nights in your local hostel will do him good. It may just help the penny to drop. It often takes a shock like that for them to realise what they have got, us telling them just doesn't sink in.

I have had quite a few forlorn boys sat in front of me with a social worker because parents have 'have asked them to leave'. The reality soon sinks in.

You will have to lay it on thick with SS though.

ivykaty, although the theory is that social services will sort accommodation, the reality for 16/17 year-olds is unfortunately not at all good.

Firstly, everyone's efforts will be focussed on getting the parent(s) to allow the yp back into the family home. This will almost certainly include 'professionals' telling you there is no accommodation available, that you have no choice, that you have parental responsibility, that you are a bad parent...

Next, the young person involved has to ask for, and consent to, any accommodation... If parents throw them out, they have to iunderstand that they then have no say, control or choice about where they go... For example, my own son refused point blank to go to the housing office, and preferred to sleep on the sofas of exactly the people I wanted to keep him away from...

Generally, bedsits/flats are ONLY offered to under 18s who are already in local authority care, because under 18s cannot sign tenancy agreements. The LA will sign for a young person who is a 'care leaver', but does not do that for 16/17 yos who are 'newly homeless'.

There are a very few specialist supported accommodation units for 16/17yos in a few areas... Again, these are most likely to be offered to 'looked after chaildren' who are not yet ready for fully independent living.

If accommodation is offered, this will generally be in a B&B/hostel. Even high priority young people (e.g. my friend's son who has Aspergers) can spend several months in this situation. Obviously it's not very nice.

Very significantly, accommodation for teenagers is in such short supply that (in most areas) if social services are really concerned that a teen is a serious threat to the safety of a younger sibling, they are more likely to take the younger child/children into care and leave the teen in the family home.

So all in all, I'd say social services were a non-starter under these circumstances :(

I remember a few months ago someone posted a link to a residential school run by a charity... It was free I think... Focussed on developing a trade/skill... I've had a good look back through previous posts for details, but I can't find the post... Perhaps someone else can remember more...?

Some friends of ours had their 16 year old daughter returned by the police for the nth time and just said "No, she can't come in, enough is enough" The police took the daughter away and social services arranged a bedsit locally so it can be done.

'Returned'? After running away? That's a bit different - there is more help if the YP actually wants to get away, less if the parent(s) want them to go... Also, it seems there is more support for girls than boys. I have a horrible feeling the reality is if his own mother doesn't want him, nor does anyone else :(

I lived in a "halfway" house for 16-18 year olds for a while, it was horrendous. Filthy, cold, undesirable yobbo neighbours who kept asking if I was interested .

Social services didn't care, kept trying to get my mum to let me back in the house, and when that didn't work they tried to make me leave school. Social services were horrible to me and treated me like it was all my fault that my mum attempted suicide and decided she didn't want me anymore.

The halfway house was in a city I didn't know with no transport options (or money) to get me to school.

The one my brother ended up in was worse - in a condemned block of flats where every window was boarded up or missing, doors and Walls had huge holes in them and the staff worked behind bulletproof glass.

(We ended up there because of my mum's behaviour not ours in case anyone is thinking we deserved it, which has been said to me before)

Maybe if you tell him my story he might buck up his behaviour. Halfway houses are not nice places to be and the company he keeps there will likely make him worse rather than better ime.

I agree wholeheartedly with flow4 as I was in your position but my son was mentally ill. I had begged for help and they refused. I literally had to refuse to have him and then they tried EVERYTHING to get me to have him back eg emotional blackmail, threatened to 'look' at my other children, penalise me financially, said I was abdicating my parental responsibility...... I held fast as I knew it was best for him (he needed treatment) and it worked but I nearly had a nervous breakdown
If you are prepared for that it's your best bet
If I can advise inbox me.....

flow - that wasn't my first hand experiance any of what you have written.

Hi
You sound like you are having a really gard time, but hang in there it will get better. I work with young people and families like yours, and these are some practical organisations and or suggestions you can try

1. talk with your local family intervention and support service you my need a child in need assessment for this, speak again to the duty social worker
2. consider asking if it is possible to have your child voluntarily accommodated under section 20 of the children act by the local authority fir a short time
3. visit your local housing options service about getting your child their own supported tenancy Good luck If you want to talk further inbox me Gemma

Thanks flow4 and TheHeirOfSlytherin for giving me the benefit of your experience - I was particularly scared by the possibility that siblings might be removed. Over the years, it has always been our parenting that needs improving, according to SS, despite the fact that our child?s problems proved overwhelming to his teachers as well. I have taken up offers of further advice from gemblags1980 and wannabestressfree.
Thank you everyone for contributing - I feel a lot better informed. If anyone has further info on the residential school, I?d love to have it. All the state boarding schools are highly selective and will not take a child with his history, sadly.