DS Won't find any way to occupy his own time.

[Clumsymum]

OK, not quite a teen, he'll be 13 on Saturday.

Fortunately we are now right at the end of the summer holidays, so it'll be less of a problem next week, but it's increasingly annoying that he REFUSES to even attempt to occupy himself unless that occupation involves a screen (PC, or Wii or TV).
I have discussed before how he is obsessed with PC games, minecraft in particular. I know it isn't the worst of things, but I don't feel that it is good to do it (or anything) to the exclusion of ANY other activity at all.

Over the summer I have tried to stick to a 2 hr per day screen time limit. Some days he has been allowed to go over that time a bit (I've been trying to get him to compromise with me), most days, after he has used his screen time he goes out to find his mates, and I'm well aware that they usually end up in front of a screen at someone else's house. However, as that is a kind of socialising, I don't fuss about that.

We have been to stay for a long weekend with friends, and our DS and their DS have spent the vast majority of the 3 days side by side on laptops upstairs, playing minecraft. Cool.

Back home this morning, DS fussed about when he would be allowed on his PC, went on at 10, linked up with the boy he has spent the last 3 days with, and spent 2 solid hours online.
When time was up, went out to find someone to 'play with', but it seems everyone is busy. So he came in and whined and moaned and hassled me. Wanted to go back on PC. I said no, suggested 19 other things he could do - take his puppy for a walk, build something new with his lego, make us some scones or brownies, sort thru the cupboard full of old games and toys to decide what to chuck out (I thought he might find something he hasn't used/played with for ages and have a faff with that) ... etc etc.

Non of my suggestions were good enough, lots of sighing and eye rolling, basically he refuses to even consider doing anything to pass his own time on. This has been a recurring theme thru the whole summer - don't get me wrong, DH and I have made time to do things with him, but Minecraft is really the only thing he ever WANTS to do.

He is a very bright lad, and I'm just getting so frustrated with this unwillingness to do anything but his computer game.

BTW, in case you are wondering, he finally persuaded DH to take him to the cinema (which was planned for tomorrow).

Have any of you overcome this problem?

sorry no - but when I was that age my parents and grandparents answer to complaints of boredom was "boring people get bored - you come up with something" ... with my hand forced by a wall of no-sympathy I got good at coming up with ideas. This was before screens were ubiquitous though, but your screen limit rule should cover that.

Good luck

Do we have the same son???

Jenner yes same here. I've tried the "no, you are boring, go and find something " approach, but it tends to lead to door-slamming and flinging stuff (which he then has to clear-up).

Chickdoo - I'm not alone then ?

Ah yes Minecraft.
Well at least they are socialising to some extent. DS2 links up on Skype and plays along with a bunch of friends. To be fair we live in a village so he can't just go and call for friends.

I do the same as I did when they were younger, which is to take them swimming, bowling, badminton, cinema, etc every other day or so in the holidays. I enjoy that as well. Also I make him go out on his bike every day.
We have a ping pong table at home which has been worth it's weight in gold. It gets used day in day out.

I think that's fairly normal behaviour for a (boy) teen! Could you sign him up for a sport/drama/whatever club for a week or two next time?

How about getting him a skateboard or a basketball net?
Or a digital camera?
Or an electronic drumkit?!
My DS is the same. He plays his guitar though and if desperate will go out on his bike or skateboard 'on spec'. Sometimes acquaintances are mooching about too and he tags along with them. I try to involve him in making lunch (but it does require quite a bit of patience on my part).

tbh i can't think of much else you could suggest. he's gonna be growing out of a lot of old toys, or at least thinking they're not cool (lego), cooking with mum is again proably not cool, clearing out toys is a bit close to cleaning/tidying fro the liking of any teenager, and if his friends aren't around there's not much else.
ok as a more-than-slightly internet-dependant 17 yr old girl i may be biased, but to me 2 hours seems a bit stingy on screentime allowance, considering how many holiday hours that leaves to fill. perhaps give him limits on how long he's allowed on minecraft or whatever in particular, then make him do something non-screen-based for a length of time, then say ok general internet, or get on the wii. personally, a lot of my social interection is online. my friends all live in different villages, so meeting up isn't trivial, but getting online lets us organise when we can see each other.
the minecraft thing is probably just a phase that will last until he finds something else, but in the grand scheme of games he could be playing, it's not bad at all. my basic knowledge of it is that it involves finding and building stuff, problem solving, some degree of social gaming, and not much violence.
the suggestions of something like a drumkit or camera are pretty good, or try and get him involved in a sport. though anything suggested by mum may be rejected because it was suggested by mum.

Sounds like my 15 yr old DS and 12 yr old DS. If DS2 isn't on the laptop on minecraft he's watching YouTube videos on his phone. He's been out once in the hols to meet friends. We've had a couple of days out but no money to do much. Mention a dog walk and they all moan!

DS1 hasnt been out at all. He went to a friends for sleepover and they were on pcs until 4am both nights. The only socializing he does is via skype talking to his friend.

It's driving me mad!

I can say that it will get better. My son is now 16 but that first teenage summer holiday was awful. Just wanted to play xbox and call of duty- awful game. He would come off angry and more hormonal than was normally.
He is now a minecraft fan and also Skype's along side so he can find his mates.
We managed to get him into a football team which helped as broadened is group of friends who were also a little more active.
Now he is a bmx boy! We have had more cuts and bruises than when he was learning to ride his bike but he loves it and spends many an hour tinkering and finding high places to jump off.
I can only suggest that you don't give up. Keep trying and something else will catch his attention, only if it is bmxing you might want ti stock up on savlon and plasters!

I have nothing useful to add but sympathy.

I have a 12 yr old DS who is exactly the same. He plays on the PS3 when he gets up for a couple of hours, then when I say that is enough, he starts messing about with his iPod (internet access and games on there) and then we let him have another go on the PS3 late afternoon. If he is persuaded to do something else it is usually watch a DVD which is more screen. The ony way to stop it is to go out which usually ends up being costly - just going for a walk is not considered worth it and usually results in so much moaning that I can't face it either unless I have to walk somewhere like the post office. He doesn't have friends to visit or play sport (he is dyspraxic) so those aren't options for us. DS2 would love somebody to kick a football about with but he won't even do that.

He has a camera. He can't be bothered to use it. He isn't into music much despite being fairly musical according to his teachers so an instrument isn't going to do it. I just wish I could find something that would engage him occasionally. He can't ride a bike and would probably break his neck on a skateboard.

I hope somebody comes along who has the solution for how to get them to think outside their comfort zone sometimes! The only thing I can say in favour of so much screen time is that if DS isn't game playing he is usually looking up stuff and reading on-line so his research skills may one day get him a job I reckon!!

Another one here whose DS (15) is constantly on screens!!!
He is watching You Tube videos on his phone when he wakes up in the morning. The comes down stairs in his PJ's and plays on computer until & chase him to get breakfast/shower/dressed. Then comes back and plays on PS3 and spends the rest of the day flitting from one machine to the other!

If he meets up with his friend they end up doing the same thing either here or at friend's house!

He does do exercise - has gym membership and is training for a 10K run at the moment - but that only takes up an hour 4 times a week!! He also plays 2 instruments, but practice in the holidays is minimal!!
Have tried taking him out - but he just whinges & walks 10m behind me. If I suggest an activity whilst we are out he just says "its not cool". The only thing he will do is go out for lunch or coffee - which costs a fortune - and he plays on his phone whilst we are there!!! He has been to the cinema once with his friend in the holidays - but that is just more screen time and more junk food!!!!

I have given up nagging now. Just let him get on with it - but did tell him this morning that he wouldn't be spending every waking hour on screens when he goes back to school next week!! I got snapped at for mentioning the 'S' word!

How long do you spend on 'screens' op? Or anyone else?

My DS was the same. When he started whining about how there's nothing to do that didn't involve a screen of some form, I'd suggest a few fun things first. If he didn't go for them then the suggestions started turning to much less fun things (dusting, ironing, mowing the lawn etc). He learned to accept the more fun suggestions.

What about him getting something else to obsess over... My sisters have a train set that they spend lots of time building bits for.

There's also Warhammer which doesn't involve screens but does involve lots of quiet painting and playing.

I was going to name change for this because I feel so badly about it and that it reflects on my lack of parenting skills but ...
I have a 19 year old who is still like this .
Apart from regular days volunteering and some live action role play every few weeks it's screens for 12/14 hours a day .
When I hear him talking to others or playing Minecraft I'm pathetically relieved - at least it's not killing on the PS3 or just watching you tube clips .

I'm awake half the night worrying because I do not know what to do ,he's on holiday from college and has only 2 friends and v. little social life .

I'm worried for his eyesight and have started buying Vit D ...

I hate it so much ....but if you were to substitute reading for screens ,then I was the same at that age and would still opt for a night in with a good book as opposed to socialising .

Do you think that, as parents who did not grow up with screen entertainment, we are somehow fixated on their use?
Why do most parents think that if the child was spending hours alone constructing something from lego bricks it somehow seems more acceptable than spending hours with on line friends constructing a town on Minecraft?

I know what you mean SS but I worry about posture ,RSI ,eyesight etc from sitting in one position for so long .

looks for dinasaur emoticon

I agree with both gingeroots and SecretSquirrels. I think you have a point about reading. It is no more sociable or active to spend hours reading than it is to play computer games. Perhaps less so but somehow computer games seem to be the baddies all the time. And playing Lego isn't very socialable either.

I have been thinking about this some more since I last posted and I think for me it isn't so much the computer games or playing them that bothers me. It is the fact that DS doesn't want to do anything else but I should imagine it is just as irritating if he couldn't be dragged away from a book. If he could just be persuaded to join in a little more freely or to find one other thing that could occupy his time apart from playing games (and reading about them when he isn't playing) then I would be happier. I just get a bit fed up with the constant negotiation about how long he can play and when we do go out, how long he will be allowed to play when we get home.

What do 12-18 year old boys do if they aren't computer games and they don't want to be out all day? What did they use to do 20+ years ago?

And thank you all for showing me that DS is not as much of an oddball as I thought and I am not as bad a parent. I am sure it is just a phase and it too, will pass.

gingeroots I agree about the risk of RSI etc.
DS knows I expect him to have regular breaks.
My two hardly ever watch TV and I think vegging in front of the TV would irritate me more than sitting on the PC.

My 16 year old DS also riveted to screen, either computer or ipod touch, for much of the time. 30 years ago my brother used to drive my mum demented by constantly playing with his lego; poor boy learnt to rummage silently in his lego-filled bin bag so she wouldn't hear him! I think all parents want to think of their children being out and about, fully socially engaged and enjoying healthy and life-enhancing pursuits, but the truth is mooching around and getting on your parents nerves is part of being a teen. I too spent endless hours lying on my bed reading (usually when I was meant to be doing homework) and would happily have watched far more television than I did had there been anything to watch!

I too have a ds minecraft addict...He is limmited to two time slots a day and spends the rest of the time off screen moping around annoying his sister. He will also watch endless rubbish on youtube on a tiny phone screen if he can get away with it. I am sure that poor eyesight, curvature of the spine will be commonplace in their generation.

Do we have the same son???

Nope, that's the default setting for all teenage boys, it was known as being a Kevin for a while.

Clumsy

Make a list of chores you need doing, if he is bored he can either do a chore or find something else to do.

When my children come anywhere near the your son, OP, they get a screen ban, either total or sometimes with some TV allowed. It is not done as a punishment but because they need to learn ways to occupy themselves without it. My DH and I both use computers a lot ourselves but have lots of other ways of filling our time too. 2 summers ago all 3 of my kids were on a total screen ban. They moaned for a day but quickly learnt to find other things to do to occupy themsleves. We live in a small town with no public transport and limited facilities but they got on with it because they had to. They told friends so when they went over they did other things together. Good luck OP.

Yes, screens are a bit addictive; but I spent at least as much time reading at that age, and no-one worried about it...

nothing else really to add except yup its teenage boys. I use the 'if you cant find something to do I have a list for you' at which point you cant see my DS for dust.

I have the added problem with my son having ADHD so he cant go out and play as that often ends up in disaster. Instead I allow my son all the time he wants on his ps2/pc/xbox and funnily enough he comes off and helps in the garden or if im doing something he deems as cool. He will also come down to watch tv with me or talk.

I also take him to games workshop once a week at least which gets him away from the screen as well as scouts which he is in. I am hoping that when he starts senior school on wednesday he will get involved in some after school activities.

It will be interesting to see how our children grow up having been glued attached by invisible cord introduced and grown up with these gaming consoles and the pc. You never know they may grow up just fine without any health issues....or not!