Please give me the strength to stand up to 14 year old son with anger issues

[ScapeGoat]

Hi,

My son is living back with me after spending 6 months living with his dad. My h left us and our son developed major anger including physical violence towards me, a teacher (permanently excluded) and ex girl friend. I called the police when he hit me and he was arrested when attacking his ex girl friend.

He is now living with me and is generally very polite and respectful - when things are going his way.

I have learnt from this forum to 'pick your battles' but don't know how to handle telling him he isn't going back to main stream school but another Pupil Referal Unit. I tried to broach the subject back at the end of July to give him time to get his head around it, but he refuses to discuss anything. He won't acknowledge things he doesn't want to hear/or things which will make him angry. he refuses to accept he needs CAHMs support.

How do I brave his anger? I feel so wishy washy and I mustn't collude with him, but that is what I'm doing! His bedroom is beyond disgusting but I've let that one go.

I have always diciplined him consistently and not always been so wet but I hate how scared of his anger I am.

Please advice me how to get a backbone and not be a victim to his anger and take back reasonable parental authority.

Thankyou

Scape, please do not tell yourself you need to "get a backbone": you are right to be afraid, or at least wary, of a 14 year old's anger. He will be stronger than you, and less inhibited, and much less likely to keep his temper. You are not being 'a victim' to be careful, you are being wise.

I personally think it is true, but taboo to say, that very many parents - especially single mothers - are living with domestic violence from their teens, and expected to cope unsupported. And since you are very unlikely to get much/effective support from elsewhere, I think it's really important you support yourself, and don't beat yourself up.

You are definitely not 'wet'. It takes courage to face anger day in and day out. You are probably one of the bravest people you know!

From my own experience, I'd say...

• Don't tolerate violence. Do what you have done in the past and call the police if he's violent or threatening. Make sure he knows you will, and follow through.

• Decide your 'bottom line' - things you absolutely must have him do or not do to feel safe and secure in your own home - and keep your strength for insisting on these. Forget the state of his bedroom! :)

• Help him find/find him something constructive to do, if you possibly can. I haven't succeeded with this one yet, but I know it would make a difference. My own son gets angry more often when he's bored, and is genuinely frustrated that he feels useless.

• Do nice things for yourself: massage, coffee with friends, sauna, swimming, singing, whatever you enjoy... This isn't a luxury, it's an essential coping strategy :)

• Talk about it if you can. Ask your GP to refer you to counselling if you haven't got friends you can talk to, and even if you have...

Can I ask why your son is back living with you? I am pretty sure that if I'd had the option, I'd have had my own son living with his dad by now...

That's strange, I wrote a long reply but it isn't here! Maybe I forgot to press 'post message'!

Thankyou for your kind reply.

His dad chucked him out - had enough of his violence and lack of respect etc.

I'd address any issues with him calmly and then if he gets violent call the police as anyone would when faced with violence, I work in Camhs, although not a clinician and I know parents don't like calling the police on their children but kids need to know what the repercussions are to their behaviour and in the real world it would be the police dealing with violence. May also be a way of getting help too.

No problem with calling the police, MadameCastafiore, but there is no support available as I ask every professional I come into contact with!

I have called the polThe last time

I have called the police 3 times and had my son arrested the third time. I told him afterwards (more than a week later, when emotions had calmed a bit) that since he was now bigger and stronger than me, I couldn't control his anger, so he needed to control himself, and if he didn't, I had no other option but to call in 'reinforcements'...

I agree there is no support... Which is crap... :(

you can call the police, but unless you get to the bottom of why he feels so angry it will just be temporarily dealing with the tip of the iceberg.

he needs more than the police, of course you need to show him there are consequences to his actions, but i feel you need to get the bottom of what the issues are.

the police can take him, but he has to come home again. its not really a fix....
how would he respond to counselling?
i know he will probably balk at it but i have dealt with big tough 15 year old boys who push their grannies over and then sob in interviews.....

Where do you live OP? Perhaps someone could point you in the right direction for local support for you.

Raging, I agree with some what you say, but with a couple of crucial differences: firstly, there may well be 'issues' - for instance, all the kids I have known who get dangerously angry like this have underlying grief about their parents' separation or about the death or loss of someone they love... But so do other young people who are able to channel their difficult emotions more constructively: it seems to me they need to learn more self-control and resilience, whatever their issues.

Secondly, it is not the OP who needs to "get to the bottom of what the issues are", it is the boy himself. When they're little, we solve all their problems for them, but as they grow older, they need to do this themselves. It's a difficult transition for parent and teen, but I feel it is key: they need to realise their emotions and behaviour are theirs to understand and control.

Last but not least, counselling might help if he's an articulate boy who wants it... But not many teenagers are or do. No counselling is ever compulsory, and my own experience was that I fought long and hard to get it for my son (at the same age and for similar reasons) but after 2 sessions, he and the counsellor decided it wasn't 'needed' or 'right' for him... And there simply isn't any other support...

When he goes back to the referral unit would they not be able to help? After all they are used to dealing with troubled teens all the time. Don't think counselling would help if he is not that type of boy also I do think some teenagers are angry for no reason sometimes. My own ds was angry and there was no reason for it a lot is who they hang around with.

You know you're living my life if my DH wasn't here?

It's hard for people with 'normal' sons to understand what it's like living with a child with anger issues.

I was on my own with my DS until he was 7 and I met and married my DH. My DS has always been happy if things are going his way but a nightmare the moment things aren't. I even felt the threat of physical violence when he was 6/7. Sad I know. You would be shocked if you met me I seem so strong and confident. All my family felt the same.

My DH coincidentally has a job that specialises in dealing with difficult teenagers and even he has struggled with my now 6'2" 15 year old.

Even with DH in the house my DS has 'gone for me'. A couple of years ago I was in his room moaning about the state of it and he pushed me. My DH was in the room and had him by the throat in about 10 seconds. That sounds brutal but my DS has needed it and himself recognises that he might be in care if it wasn't for my DH.

Don't be afraid to admit you are frightened. He might very well hit you. He must know there will be zero tolerance. Take your mobile phone with you when you talk to him in case you need to ring 999.

For me a lot of it is just getting him through this period. I want him safely through to 18!

I don't have any practical advice I just want you to know there are lots of us mums out there with sons we are scared of, I suspect it's quite a taboo subject.

Good luck x

You are so right dainty nuts you always think it will be someone else's child I think it's a lot more comman than people let on.

Also if you were too soft etc like some people say how come the siblings don't turnout like it too.?

Best if luck op.

Thanks for the replies.

Flow4 - you are SO right re getting to the bottom of the cause of the anger. I'm SO sure it is mainly the sudden seperation which has finished him off but also his sister has had a total of 13 months in adolescent units for mental ill health before this.

I have tried and tried to get support for him but he is reluctant to admit he is 'mental' as he sees it (especially after seeing his sister who had psychosis) and even the pupil referral unit he attended were usless at addressing the route cause/helping me with CAHMs.

How do I convince him he needs emotional support?