Gathering and aftermath

[Sleepysand]

Hi, please don't shoot me down with things I should have done!

My son, aged 16, had a results day party in our field (we live on a small farm) last night. I laid down and enforced some rules - only people he knew, no alcohol stronger than beer, no fires, etc. I watched them all arrive, went through the rules and I didn't spot any hard drink or similar. I policed it myself til 12.30, wandering round very un-coolly with my torch checking for drinks or trouble, and then left my older son in charge and he settled them all (in tents) by 1.30 - the music was quiet by 11.30. By 1.30 they were all either gone, or in tents. Our nearest neighbours are half a mile away. Some of the kids were merry, one girl more so and I brought her to sleep in our spare room, but none of them were plastered. There were about 40 of them. My only concern was that one lot got picked up by an older brother who was driving and he didn't seem sober to me, he was a bit erratic and unpleasant, and they left at 12.30.

This morning one of the village residents came to see me with a list of four not huge items of vandalism, but this is a really quiet village and I am mortified. They reckon that it happened between 2am and 4am. They are minor things, no permanent damage (sort of University stuff - for sale sign pulled up, a salt/grit box moved) but I am beside myself. My son has gone to his dad's for the weekend. What do you think I should do? I have of course apologised already but what else do you think I should do?

Well, for starters, could it be a co-incidence that the damage occured on the same night as your son's party?

If it isn't, then I'd suggest that it's more a matter for the kids' parents really. Just because they were camping in your field doesn't make you responsible for them, in that sense anyway.

I guess you probably can't identify which individuals are at fault, so unless they own up, could you ask them all to put right the damage they (or their friends) caused? Or suggest they have a whip round if it's more a matter of cost? Or it might just be a matter of writing a letter of apology from all of them, either one letter, or individual letters.

Thank you. That is really good advice. It's unlikely to be anyone else - basically the damage all happened on the road down from where we and four other properties (all owned by retired people) live, so I think it is likely to be our lot. I did wonder whether it would be someone else, or at least some of it, though, as a huge tractor with an oil tank on it went down at about 1am (I heard it and oldest son saw it) and that might have caused some of the damage.

I have also just spoken to my son and said he needs to identify if anyone wandered down to the village and if so, who they were - I suspect he will be able to do that as they are a fairly close-knit group. Am I being unreasonable in saying that I want to know who they are and have addresses or parents' numbers? And do I say no more parties, ever?

Thank you again. I am so embarrassed - we have only lived here 5 years and that still makes us "new", and the neighbours - including the one who came up today - are really nice folk.

Are they all generally good kids?
I think it was just high jinks - doesn't sound like anything malicious or serious. If it's a small village, then chances are the kids will know the people who's property they damaged, and will most likely be embarassed in the cold light of day! Especially if the parents back you and make them apologise.

I'm sure no-one will blame you - and I wouldn't ban parties just yet. Give them at least one more chance, to show they have learned from their mistakes. But next time, say they are on trial and if it happens again......

It was just high jinks, but the kids are not from this village - DS goes to the local school 5 miles away and my sons (I have four, help!!!) are the only teens in the village. The friends are nice kids - typical rural kids, really - which is why the one odd brother who was a bit unpleasant really stood out. Again, thank you for the advice, and for not shooting me down for having a party. This was my first ever post, after a lot of lurking about, so thank you so much.

No probs - I love Mumsnet! Have had lots of good advice on here myself in the past (thought am relatively new too).

They were silly - and I hope will realise that. But worse things happen at sea, as my grandmother used to say.

If you can't identify the perpatrators, then I would say it is your son's responsibilty, as the host, to apologise. That will make him think twice about who he invites next time (I suspect he'll know, even if he won't tell you!)

I think you are great for allowing the party and shouldn't get to upset about this. I agree that your son should probably apologise to the offended neighbour as you wouldn't want to rule out future parties. Four sons - respect!
I have a 16 year old DS with a lovely bunch of friends, we too live in a tiny village. There is another lad who lives on a farm on the outskirts and they have regular parties. These are wonderful for the kids IMO, much better than worrying about them in a city. They love them so much they are self policing because they don't want anything to spoil future parties. I suspect your son's friends might do the same after this incident.
Also - sleepy village/not much going on/ local residents might be over reacting just a tad?

Totally agree with suedpants and squirrels.
I'm not sure about trying to chase up the perpetrators. I think a lot depends on how their own families react. You could end up getting into a 'situation 'with them which would ultimately not be worth it.
I assume you can have the minor damage rectified?

Smile, say sorry, nod, smile, say sorry.
Get son and his mates to do like wise.

If any shitty bugger dares to complain further tell them just how hard DC have to work for their exams and to ask themselves what they did at that age.

If they open their mouths again, very pointedly refuse to answer.

Thank you all. DS is at his dad's til Tuesday. I have looked at the damage and there is only one real bit - which I doubt they did, actually, as snapping a 4 inch thick fence post seems more like a tractor than a tiddly teen to me. However, he can help us replace it, and he will apologise, of course - he would have done so already but had already gone before we knew of it.

There is an element of grumpy retired colonel versus teens here, I think - the list included "attempting to move the salt and grit bins" but lord knows how they work that out unless they watched it happen... they clearly haven't been moved a millimeter, they are embedded eight inches in the grass verge.

Gosh I love living in the countryside, but sometimes I miss the tolerance of London!!!