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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

14 YR OLDS N SEX ADVICE!!! URGENTLY NEEDED PLZ

22 replies

tjgx · 13/03/2006 08:16

Good morning all...never thought this day would come...n i dont know what im supposed to do!! i will cut a very long story short...my dd has just turned 14...me n her have a great relationship...she knows about sex pregnancy n all that goes with as we talk open about it...she has got herself involved with a diff crowd at school...now my friend tx me the other moring n says i think u should know that it is going round that dd has had sex...i was very calm so i told dd what had been said,she said 2 me it was a rumour thats all n thast she had sorted it with the girl in question...but 4 some reason this played on my mind...now theres 1 really cool teacher at the school n all the girls chat with her....now what i did was really bad...but i had 2 find something out...dd goes on msn..so i thought i would record n track her online convos...i felt awful like i never trusted her but i do...anyway it had some things said about sex n that she was to do it with some boy now after sch my dd is not allowed out so the any chance if she was2 have sex would b during sch time...the conversations she had been having online concerned me deeply...so i rang this reaslly cool teacher n told her...she said she would chat with the group in question...later that day she rang me said in her opinion its all talk...they at that age...n i understood this ..but something still said to me there is something going on..u know mothers intuition...so last night i logged on 2 th emsn to see what she had been chatting about...theres a thing on htere like another computer that u can have convos with...n ask it questions...dd had a convo in this convo she stated that she was going to have sex with a certain boy...n that she was scared also of doing it..n scared of getting pregnant...n that it was going to happen TODAY....my heart is in my mouth i havent slept..ive tried this morning to contatc this teacher but shes away as some1 close has died...i know this is not all talk now...i didnt want 2 send dd in 2day but she ha 2 choose her course 4 her gcse ..im scared i feel sick...ive taught her so much about protecting herself...but the impression i got from convo is shes not going to..i also havent said 2 dd that i know all this as ive betrayed her by invadeing her privacy...plz what do i do...thanks x

OP posts:

stitch · 13/03/2006 08:30

first of all, i dont think you have invaded her privacy
second, i think you need to talk to your dd, but i have a feeling you are too stressed out to be the one doing it.

gothicmama · 13/03/2006 08:33

either tell her that sex should be special or keep her off sch or ask her if anything is worrying her alternatively stake out the school !! probably not much help

gothicmama · 13/03/2006 08:34

also if she says she is scared is she being coerced in it (horrid thought) perhpas youneed to speak to someone else at the school

RedTartanLass · 13/03/2006 08:35

Oh tjgx what a nightmare, every mothers' worry!! Don't know what to advise as dd is only 4 months and my older kids are boys.

I can totally understand your concern, what did she say when you told her you'd read her msn?

My initial opinion is that it's all talk, but your her mum and know her best.

My heart really goes out to you.

Original poster

tjgx · 13/03/2006 08:47

the thing is i only found out at 3am this morning!! iv ehad 2 send her in 2 day as she has her gcse course 2 choose 2 day but in the msn convo she said shes going to do it today!! ive not yet pulled her on it...as im not sure what 2 do !!

OP posts:

gothicmama · 13/03/2006 08:58

trust that you have taught her well and she will realise and not go through with it all - it may just be talk I really don't know what I would do in that situation

katzg · 13/03/2006 09:06

two lines of conversation you can use to open up the discussion without letting her knwo you've read her msn.

Does she knwo you chat on mumsnet? can you relate to her the story on here about the mums hows friends dd was pregnant at 13, along the lines of how could she not know about taking precautions, and thats its too young ....

or hollyoaks have an interesting teen sex story line at the mo 14 year old been pressured into having sex

hope that helps

Original poster

tjgx · 13/03/2006 09:08

i feel awful that i tracked her chat blogs to read them.but it wasnt just 2 be snoopy on her...as we do chat about all this stuff...it just didnt feel right i knew something was going on...n the boy in question is not her boyfriend!! i feel so sick...i know ive 2 let her grow n learn...shes in a very ruff school...n she told me most of her firends are sexually active...my god!! 14 n sexually active...im not a prude..bu tmy dd is not even in a relationship...ive taught her it has 2 b with some1 u love n they must resoect u...she knows it all ive taught her i think really well!! so u can imagine wen i read these convos i wouldnt mind if it was 1 private chat but shes telling every1 that shes going to do it!!

OP posts:

Original poster

tjgx · 13/03/2006 09:10

ive sent her 2 school 2day wen i really just want 2 bring her home i no icant protect her in that kind of way 4eva but i feel shes 2 young n immature

OP posts:

RedTartanLass · 13/03/2006 09:42

tjgx, understandably you're getting yourself more and more worked up , but I think you need to take a step back and try to calm down, I know, I know easier said than done, but you're more likely to do/say something irrational when you're in "panic mode"!!

I still suspect it's all talk but as I said before, you know your daughter. I mean, how likely is it she can do "it" at school. Pretty unlikely, I should imagine.

Talk to her (calmly) whe she comes home from shcool, my advice would be to NOT to mention you've read her conversations. That would just end up in a row. I think katzg has a good ideas for strating the converstaions.

Good luck.

muma3 · 13/03/2006 10:07

ok i had sex at 14. what was going through my mind was that i had so much pressure on me once i had said that i would do it that i couldnt back out.
if i can try to remember how i was feeling then this may work?

tell her you know,but not angry. tell her that she will regret it and if she is under pressure then she def regret it . tell your dd to tell her friends that she isnt going to have sex with the boy tonight
"no i changed my mind ! who do you think i a, a slag or something?"
her friends will have respect for her then and it will turn it around to being a bad thing rather then cool IYSWIM?

make sure she realises that they will probably think bad of her as my friends did me . they pressured me imto it then i got called a slag after by the rest of the school.

good luck and i hope she changes her mind.

Goodgirl · 13/03/2006 10:24

tjgx my dd is 14 so really feel for you.

Some good comments on here, particularly from muma3. If your dd watches Hollyoaks very similar situation there re being pressured into having sex and then being turned on by so-called mate.

Try to keep in mind it could all be talk (not easy I know). Recently discovered our dd had been leaving explicit posts on msn and that was certainly all talk - I didn't know she knew half of it!

Try not to get too worked up so that you'll be able to have a calm chat with her when she comes home. We did let dd know we had snooped which in our case didn't backfire but you know your dd best. We made sure she realised we had only done it to protect her and really weren't interested in other stuff such as swearing and 'usual' sex chat (whatever usual is at 14!)

milward · 13/03/2006 10:41

Good advice here - the tip of muma3 is good. Just keep talking to her especially about use of contracption to prevent std's as well as preg.

Original poster

tjgx · 13/03/2006 10:43

thanx guysxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx ive just rang school...n that teacher is in she doesnt go away till 2nite...she is brilliant so im just waiting 4 her 2 call will let u all know what is happening....ive calmed down now ur rite i was in panic mode...still am a lil bit ive also jus spoke 2 mymum about this ....so feel calmer..now b bk soon xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

OP posts:

gothicmama · 13/03/2006 22:08

hope all is ok

muma3 · 14/03/2006 13:47

how did you get on tjgx? did you have a chat with her? is everything ok ?

Original poster

tjgx · 15/03/2006 13:09

Hi every1...been dying to get bk on here...:) 2 tell u all...ok well 2 start im soooooooooooooooo releaved....teacher sent her home from school...so we could have a good chat...it was all peer pressure...dd reassured me it was all talk she says she has done nothing apart from akiss...she felt like she was missing out as all her friends are sexually active well i nearly died on the spot me tea was on the floor...and her friends was eggin gher on 2 do it!! nice friends i told her...dd says she is not going to have sex she had no intention of doing it..and if n when she was going to i would be the first b4 she did anything to talk 2 me about it...i then told her if she felt she did want some1 else to talk apart from me that she could log on2 here n have a chat with you lot i hope thats ok...n statd none of the boys she hangs with have asked anything of her...it was the girls ....so i said choose very wisely who ur friends are!!i feel alot better now ive had this chat with her...i told her nothing gets pass parents we know everything ;)....n in future if anybody asking her or telling her 2 do anything come straight to me n we will talk she was very plz ...even though i did feel like screaminmg at her wen she walked i didnt...thanx every1...if she does come on here she will be under my name will deff keep u posted with all thast happening with her...n i will show her 2 note all these msgs so she knows how many ppl was thinking of her...o yes i informed that i had th eparental controls on that was how i saw her msgs...thanx evey1 sooooooooooooooooo much xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

OP posts:

Goodgirl · 15/03/2006 13:18

Glad all's well in the tjgx house! Sounds like you've got a sensible dd there and a great relationship too!

RedTartanLass · 15/03/2006 19:27

Oh tjgx, I'm soooooooooo glad for you!! If you can talk to each other, you've won half the battle.

Good for you!!!

Your post nearly made me cry.

muma3 · 16/03/2006 11:08

well done for bringing up such an intelligent young woman . i would be so relieved to have a mum like you when i was put in that situation . i ended up pregnant 3 months after i lost my virginity so im relieved for you and you dd that you will talk about things .
great news and keep up good work

tweeni · 17/03/2006 18:07

is there someone she can talk to who is slightly younger - an older cousin maybe who can talk from experience and who dd will relate to more easily?
when i was her age i also had sex with my then boyfriend, thinking it wasn't a big deal.
i had never regretted treating sex as fun, until i actually fell in love and realised what i had missed out on all those times. now i have experienced the real thing i totally regret all those wasted times before. i would hate to think someone else may end up feeling how i do now a few years down the line so i would like to help if i can.
i am only 17, maybe you could give me your DDs hotmail address and i will chat to her. so many randoms end up adding you on msn im sure she won't suspect anything, and we may get talking you never know.

tweeni · 17/03/2006 18:11

ok posted that before i realised it was all sorted, but i will still be willign to chat to her if she likes xx

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