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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

spying on DS's facebook

17 replies

expectmiracles · 22/08/2012 10:59

My DS- 16 has some dodgy friends and I have planted a mole in his facebook (very easy as he friends anyone) so that I can see what he's up too. I can also access his web history from his googlemail account. Is this a totally out of order breach of his privacy or am I justified as a concerned mum trying to look out for his wellbeing ?

OP posts:
canistartagainplease · 22/08/2012 11:09

I lurk a little bit on dd,(usually to see party photos), which im open with her about,but I really think you have gone so far over the line.
Secret identities and going into all his accounts?

If /when he finds out, where are you going to go with trust, would you do this with anyone else? I suggest you back off while you still can,and if you are worried about his group then find another way to deal with him.

How dodgy are these mates, how bolshy is your son so he doesnt listen to you?

Stricnine · 22/08/2012 11:21

If it's that easy for you to become his friend, I think you need to have a serious chat with him about online safety - sensible facebook use and privacy settings...

Having said all that, yes what you're doing with his googlemail account is a breach of his privacy, by 16 he should be allowed some space.. but he does need to learn about the implications of what he's doing!

ExitPursuedByABear · 22/08/2012 11:25

I can access DD's facebook account directly - with her log in and password, but she is just coming up to 13 and it was the only way I would let her on. I am not sure at what age I will allow her to change her password and so prevent me from accessing, so watching with interest the views of others.

Original poster
expectmiracles · 22/08/2012 11:31

I'm feeling bad now.. Its just that i am so worried about him. I wasn't reading his emails , googlemail allows access to his search history... he's taking drugs and I wanted to see what drugs info he was searching up to inform myself just what chemicals he's into. He's a total idiot on facebook , uses his full name , posts pictures of drug paraphenalia. Maybe I'd be less stressed if I just didn't know any of it. I've told him posting on FB is like putting a full size advert next to a main road but he doesn't seem to care.

OP posts:
theredhen · 22/08/2012 13:08

Personally I feel as a parent who has concerns about drug use etc. you have a right to snoop to try and keep him safe.

We are all allowed privacy but as parents we are responsible for our children and there is a difference between being nosy and then moaning at him for trivial things you have found and being genuinely worried about a child and using "snooping" as a means to try and gain as much knowledge as possible. It's a fine line and there will be lots of different opinions on this, I'm sure.

MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay · 22/08/2012 13:26

I'm a bit torn on this one.. on the one hand it's a massive invasion of privacy and it could seriously damage your relationship with your son if he found out. BUT on the other hand if he is posting about his drug use and making it public for all the world BUT you.. he is hardly in a position to complain and presumably he is a still a dependent child, so you need to monitor drug use!

I snooped on my daughter's blog when she was slipping into an eating disorder.. I hated doing it but have no doubt it was vital in getting help for her, and I WOULD do it again if I really had to.

noddyholder · 22/08/2012 13:48

Well I would advise against this and I have had a peak at ds myself and know that teens need privacy and are prone to exaggeration amongst themselves which is loosely based on the truth but would make most parents hair curl!

canistartagainplease · 22/08/2012 15:50

expectmiracles- Thanks forthe back story, you have every reason to be stressed. Is there anyone you know that he looks up to? Someone "cool", who can put him right about facebook protocol, uncle/aunt family friend?
Can you ban him from using the computer.
If hes easily led ,andis looking for things ,it seems like he is trying to impress, which goes back to lessening the imfluence these mates have- know thats difficult.

Tortington · 22/08/2012 15:54

i think now and again when you think something is suspect - but i think planting a moley mole is a bit far

mysteriouslady · 22/08/2012 15:57

when will people get their heads around the idea FB is not private.

Being on DS FB friends is a condition of having internet access in this house, if DS doesnt like it, he can go without WiFi.

I dont have access to his private messages, but when he moans about me spying, then I tell him, if its on FB for the world to see, it isnt private.

Id be concerned about the police showing up and remove internet access (and cancel sim card) if he is posting pictures up of drugs paraphenalia, its not big and its not clever.

FarloRigel · 22/08/2012 16:01

In a 'normal' situation I think this would be all wrong, however in your situation I reckon he hasn't left you with a lot of choice. At his age yes you should be able to treat him as an independent adult, but only if he is capable of acting as one. I wish you all the very best and hope he straightens himself out with your support.

gingeroots · 23/08/2012 16:16

Well said mysteriouslady.

chipmonkey · 23/08/2012 17:19

If the boys are on FB then it's on condition that I'm their friend.
I have promised ds1 I won't post on his wall, though.

mirry2 · 23/08/2012 17:22

I was invited by my dd to be a friend, but I never post, rarely look and never talk to her about the posts on it. It works for us.

chipmonkey · 24/08/2012 02:30

Mirry, how is your sister? I remember your thread about her. Hope she's ok.

Margerykemp · 24/08/2012 03:15

Ban his access to the Internet until he stops taking drugs

He needs serious sanctions, fb is the least of your/his worries

mirry2 · 24/08/2012 10:12

Thnks for asking Chipmonk. Not too bad now. I don't want to start that thread up again though.

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