Is my son out of line and am i over reacting

[Undervaluedmother1972]

Hi,
I have joined this for advice because I am at a loose end, to cut a story short, I have moved to France with my DSH and my two children, 7 and 10. My eldest went to University, which he had planned to do before we planned to move.

After 7 months of us living here, we now have fallen out as my eldest beleives that we no longer care about him and he feels abandoned by us. His main arguements are that, firstly we didn't put that much effort in when it came to university, (as in going on open days with him), or where he chose to go. He is also upset over the fact that we have not been to see him whilst he has been at university.

Along with this he also feels aggreived with some of the status updates I post on Facebook about France, his line has changed from liking France to hating it completely, he argues this is because of all the comments I make about how i prefer France to England and how I never wish to return, I personally feel this is out of order since I am entitled to voice how I feel just as much as him.

There is much more but I do not want to bore you, a final poignant point I feel is that my son also feels angered by the lack of money we have been able to give him. As with our move we set up a business, which has swallowed up mostly all of our income, he argued whilst this may have been a neccessity it could have been slowly phased in so the funding would have been available to him if he ran into difficulty, as currently as it stands we have not given him any money for help at University.

I have now told my son to apologise for these comments and saying them to me in a harsh and rather hateful way, he is not the son i have raised to respect his mother, and I have told him he is not welcome until i receive an apology for this outburst.

I think your son has a lot of good points. Was he expecting financial support? Did you say you would suport him?

You have left the coountry, taking his siblings away from him and keep telling him (inderectly) that you don't want to go back and hw is reading this as 'I don't want to see my son'.

I agree with sashh as I can see where your son is coming from. He probably feels quite abandoned by the move. Also he may be worried about money as this is only his first year. I think it would serve you both well to have some kind of discussion about all this rather than you getting upset and not talking until he apologises.

I can understand that it would be have been difficult or even impossible to visit him at uni after you had moved but that doesn't mean he won't be upset and I think it is better that he can say this to you even if it came out in a rather upsetting way.

When I was at university, my parents moved abroad with no intentions of ever coming home. They took my siblings with them, and I recieved no financial support from them. I accepted this because they are adults, I was a (young!) adult and independant, having gone to university and no longer living in the family home.

Yes occasionally I felt a bit sad, and even 10+ years on I miss my family and wish they were closer. But they did nothing wrong and I don't think you did either.

Your son, I think, is being very self centred at the moment. I am sure he will come to see this in time. You are in France fgs! Not darkest Peru! If he needed you you could be there in a matter of hours.

But do keep talking to him. It would be awful to have a rift form between you over this. He is feeling hurt now, which is understandable, but again I do not think you are in the wrong. Keep letting him know you love and value him. Keep taking an interest in him, his studies and interests. Have you got a plan to visit him regularly or have him across?

I agree with your son, I think it is very difficult to make the transition from being a teenager to being a useful adult and during this time parents are needed just as much as they are when toddlers are making the transition to independence.

He is most likely feeling rejected and if your income was over the threshold for him receiving full support then it would have been expected that you contribute to his living costs.
There are some parents who put themselves first and I think you may be one of them. Telling him that he isn't welcome until he apologises is just twisting the knife in my opinion.

I can see his point - have you not seen your son for 7 months? If so, I can see why he's upset. Secondly, is your son getting the full maintenance loan, or has it been calculated to take into account a parental contribution?

Also, it is pretty galling when someone posts continually about how much better their new country is, and how they never wish to return. Hope that doesn't bite you on the bum one day! No wonder your son feels pissed off - knowing that you never want to return to see him

I really, really feel for your DS.

He must feel abandoned and unloved.

Yet you want HIM to apologise. I am lost for words at your selfishness.

Why should he apologise to you? I think you should apologise and go and see him. Would it really hurt you to stop posting on fb how lovely France is.? Talk about rubbing his nose in it.

I agree with everyone else, hate to say it but if I were your child I'd also feel very rejected and abandoned.

I'd also find it next to impossible to apologise. I'd be very careful how you handle the next stage of this fallout because it could lead to a big rift between you.

Also agree re the FB updates, forget how it would come across to a child - i would find your "gloating" at having left the country intensely annoying even as a vague friend! I recently moved back to the UK from Switzerland and have always been careful not to be too over-zealous with opinions like that on FB because frankly it's bloody annoying to have to read and comes across as being hideously smug with your lot!

You're his Mother! Put yourself in his shoes, he's probably lonely and has no immediate family support and he's missing you all. Poor Lad, I really feel for him. Pick up the phone and speak to him.

You moved to another country, haven't seen your son for 7 months and don't give him any financial support at ALL? Then you post on facebook about how much you like it there..

Sorry but I think you should be apologising to him! Unless he is getting the full maintenance loan because you have low income you are EXPECTED by the student finance to make up the shortfall.. and even then it is pretty tight.

What's more he's barely an adult.. (unless he is a mature older student)..he still NEEDS parents! It's a massive transition leaving home for most young people..even if they can't wait and are excited, the reality is often a lot harder than they expect, and to not have anyone to come home to?

I have one DD at University already, and one going next month and apart from needing financial help (their loans don't even cover their rent!) they still very much need us to support them emotionally too, to take in interest in what they are doing, who their friends are, and most of all, they KNOW that if they need us..we WILL be there.

I feel very very sorry for your son. You have effectively dumped him for your new life in France.. I'm not surprised he's angry with you..I should think he feels very hurt.

You should be apologising and supporting him not behaving like a stroppy toddler!

I think he had a point tbh. I would be pretty gutted too. I think u need to be a bit more sensitive and go and see him. he's probably feeling vulnerable and lonely right about now you need to make more effort to make sure he feels accepted. I say this as someone who's parent emigrated to Tasmania.

I agree with Medusa.
Does DSH mean second husband? Where is your son's father and could he provide some emotional support for your son?

'we now have fallen out as my eldest beleives that we no longer care about him and he feels abandoned by us.'

Please list 5 things you have done to counter his opinion.
Because I see a woman who has abandoned her son as he is an adult. If that was your intention, then you have achieved it as the message you are sending is 'Suck it up, you are 18 and on your own' Which is what he is upset about.

I doubt very much he will apologise...which leaves him thinking he is not welcome at your house........you are going to have to back down on this one if you want him to ever visit you again.

Has he been staying over the summer?

I think you need to show more interest in his life...I'm sure starting a new business, settling your younger children into their new lives ect has taken a lot of time and effort, but your eldest son still needs you, to some extent.

I really think you need to see things frm his point of view.

He has made a momentous move from childhood into adulthood, he does not feel you have in any way shared this with him, open day visits visting him at his new uni, he is effectively out of sight out of mind.

He may well be cash strapped as a result of you not funding him, if his loan was based on the family income.

You are then rubbing his nose in it with comments on how nice your new life is (without him).

To top it all you refuse to see him (banished from his siblings) until HE apologisies.

tbh I think you have some MAJOR repairs to your relationship before it is too late.

I'm going to be a little bit contrary here.

1. Why on earth did he think mummy was going to come to university open days? It's his choice! My parents certainly didnt come with me and I have told DD1 that I wont be going with her (and she wouldnt want me to)

1. It is normal for parents to not visit their offspring at university

1. Have you left him short of funds or just made clear that he has to stand on his own two feet and cant rely on you to bail him out? If the latter then that is the case for most students.

1. Why shouldnt you make positive comments about where you live?

Quite frankly he sounds like a spoilt little boy who needs to do rather more growing up!

I think that's what I said, Gnome.

'Because I see a woman who has abandoned her son as he is an adult. If that was your intention, then you have achieved it as the message you are sending is 'Suck it up, you are 18 and on your own'

Which is pretty much what you are saying. He's an adult and should expect nothing from his parents. But they should then expect nothing from him. Including a sodding apology for feeling upset he got the short straw when it came to parents.
Where's his dad OP?

Not sure what university experience Gnome had, but even in the 80s when I went my parents were interested in me, and did the odd visit and I certainly wasn't mollycoddled..

No one becomes an adult just like that..18th birthday..bye bye.. for most it is a gradual process. My DD1 needed lots of contact (her contacting me by skype) in her first year.. very little last year and I don't expect to hear from her often next year.. but it's been as she has increased in confidence and independence it didn't happen overnight. Doing open days with parents is pretty much the norm now.. I did with both of my girls because a) I drive so it was convenient b) they both were keen for me to see where they fancied going..I certainly didn't decide for them! There is a difference between helicopter parenting and basically dumping your young adult and the crux of the issue is that he feels unsupported.. that's not being spoiled that's feeling hurt.

I am quite shocked at some of these comments quite frankly

My DS has no contact with his biological Dad, he left and had nothing to do with my Sons birth or any involvment of that, I then remarried and had the two younger siblings i have mentioned, however this marriage ended sourly and I moved from Sheffield down to Dorset to escape the ex, which I also think my Son resents me for doing. I am now with my latest and hopefully last husband and we were the ones who decided to move to France. To let you know about finances our income was around £38,000 so that will have effected his Student finance. However My DH was made redundant, planned but still is on pension alone. I do not see why i should have to work, as i do not feel it is my role.

My eldest has visited for breif periods, (he has been out to see us three times since the move) all for less then a week, he says he does not want to stay out here with us because he feels it is not his home, and that he misses his Girlfriend of 2 years and his other life long friends since primary school age.

He has said some very quite blunt statements about my DH, saying how he has totally abandoned his kids, as my DH has 4 other children that he has now no contact with because of the move, he has not seen them for a year now.

Is it really that bad to post comments about my life in France, ? Am I honestly expected to go and see him at University, I asked him how his exams have gone and wished him luck (something he snubbed as he said that even his flatmates whom he didn't like particularly did that and said it shows a lack of effort)

I do not feel like helping him with completing forms for his student finance, as there is an income drop and we have to provide forms, WHICH COST TO SEND to the UK, I feel he has been ungrateful and does not respect what i want out of life.

My question is, who is the adult and who is the child(ok young adult) here? I think you have come on here seeking sympathy and agreement from everyone and then you find it difficult when people can see your son's point of view. I think you need to spend some more time thinking about his feelings and not yours.

I'm sorry but I think you sound awful and selfish. "I do not feel like helping him with completing forms for his student finance" you do realise that without the forms you would need to send in, your son would not be given ANY student finance, meaning he would have to pay £9,000 a year of tuition fees, plus any living costs and accommodation costs.

Your son is effectively in a country without any of his family then, and is feeling as though he has no support from his mum. I can understand you not attending open days but I don't think visiting him is asking a lot. I also think you are being incredibly insensitive with your facebook posting. My mil lives abroad and constantly posts how amazing it is, where she lives and how she doesn't miss anything. DH takes this to mean she doesn't miss him or our DD (her DGD) and it really upsets him, and my DH is 27 and has been living away from his parents for nearly 10 years. NOT 18 and living away from home for the first time.

You don't post anything about how you help him to feel at home or how you support him with his life in the UK. I really feel for him.

Just to clarify, my Ds is staying with my Father or his Grandad for the duration of the summer in Sheffield.

God you sound vile. And your husband is no better, abandoning his 4 kids. Good luck with marriage number 3, I think you'll need it.

Oh my. It's so hard when we only have what you write to go on, but my gut instinct is to feel sorry for your son, rather than you, in this situation. :(

I think I too, aged 18, would have made blunt comments about the fact that your DH hasn't seen his children for over a year. As a child (which let's face it, he only recently isn't officially) the thought of one of our parents doing that to us is terrifying, even if we don't articulate it as such. I have never met my biological father either, and my mother is now on her third husband (although thankfully I was 18 at the time she left her first husband, who was abusive). My husband is also the product of a family who split, have had several remarriages with subsequent children. We have both had very very difficult relationships with our parents and lots of therapy! So much is at stake, so very much, and your son no matter how he may appear, just needs love and confirmation that you will be a rock in his life.

Btw, my first instinct to you saying you don't want to help him with his forms because it costs money to send them back to the UK was utter despair. I hope to God that I am rooting for my children throughout their whole lives and doing whatever I can to help them, even if that means shelling out on a few stamps!

You really don't LIKE your son, do you OP. You refuse to even fill in the student finance forms to declare your change in circumstances which would entitle him to more money because you're too mean and too lazy.

The poor lad has visited you 3 times in 7 months and each time has fled after a few days because he feels so unwelcome.

And your husband has no contact with his own 4 DC because of the move? So how does that not qualify as having abandoned his kids exactly?

Contenders for crap parenting award of the year methinks.

OP - "Is it really that bad to post comments about my life in France, ? Am I honestly expected to go and see him at University, I asked him how his exams have gone and wished him luck (something he snubbed as he said that even his flatmates whom he didn't like particularly did that and said it shows a lack of effort)"

You really don't get him at all, do you? :( Do you think he snubbed you because maybe just maybe he might think that his own MOTHER might go to a bit more effort than to wish him luck in his exams in the same way his flatmates did? Every thing you say about him illustrates to me that he is desperate for you to show that he is a bit more special to you.