what control do you have over your teen ?

[Dlme]

Im asking as ds is 15 .he is not angel but at the same time not awful .a normal teen i guess .He has come home tipsey once for having a beer with a friend at the park .But he hasnt done it since.There have been no issues (thankfully
!so far ) with smoking or drugs .I have noticed he has changed his password on face book .we always used to know it as he was only 13 when he got it .When i saw it had changed i was concerned then thought he is 15 .at what age do you allow (or get to the point where you cant stop realistically)your teens drinking with friends etc .I knwo i was 14 when i started and my mum knew !

I also think possibly looks at porn .his mobile is awlays locked .He has a ;laptop but there are child filters on it .At what age do you let them get on with it and let them decide what time to come in etc(and what to look at !)Its so hard !

My DD is nearly 16 and I'm up the wall with her. She will not even consider my advice and she would cut off her nose to spite her face. I'm controlling apparently and she should be allowed to make all her own choices, (according to her).

I think your DS's desire for privacy is completely normal and should be respected as far as you can bear to.
Trouble with my DD is the more freedom I've given her (and I think she's had a LOT of freedom since turning 15) the more she wants.
Sorry this is probably no help. I think a lot depends on your DS's personality. Some of my friends' DCs seem to do what their parents tell them even when it involves their parents being strict but my DD is like the horse being led to water....
The advice given to parents of teens is to compromise whenever possible.

I don't have a lot of control... Like chocco's DD, my DS wants to make his own choices, does not like to take advice, and is strong-willed... But I think I do still have influence: whatever he says, he does still care what I think of him; and tho I can't 'make' him do anything, I am still giving him 'moral messages' which I hope will help him turn out to be a decent person in the long run...

Very true. I know I still have some influence too. If you're unhappy about your DS potentially watching porn then you should definitely tell him what you think about it. We have a parental control on our laptops still and I ocassionally turn off the setting that enables facebook to be accessed (if DD has been completely overdoing it). If your DS really wants to view porn then I'd think he'd find a route to it that is outwith your control (unfortunately IMO).
Interestingly, after months of DD badgering me to be allowed to stay out later and later at her boyfriend's, when it got to the summer hols I told her she could get a lift back as late as she liked provided she gave me a bit of notice. Well, she demanded to know what time I thought she should come home. I insisted that she was free to be late if she wanted (I actually wanted to know what time SHE thought was reasonable) there was no need to specify a time etc and funnily enough she phoned later to say, please could I pick her up at 10.30! The latest she's been is 11pm!
I've gone on in graphic detail about the possible unwanted consequences of drinking not in a moralistic way, but 'Imagine if you did/said this, that or the other in front of your friends/boyfriend -it would be so embarrassing etc' and (so far) I really think that it has prevented her from having more than one drink (for fear of embarrassing herself).
It all seems so complicated, doesn't it?

i think that was i thinking on the lines of influence is the best outcome lol .He isnt bad .Its just a friend of hubby was saying they more you give them the more they want .Which i guess is human nature .Imnot ecstatic at him watching porn (i think he does ) but as they all have mobiles he would just watch it else where .I guess letting go a bit goes against the grain .You cling on all these years then you finally have to let go i guess .i like to think tho he is a nice lad and very sensible for his age .So i just hope that we come through it as easy as possible !xxthankyou its made me feel im not been a bad parent x

Both my teens are very open with us, my eldest is 18 and he drinks, but not to excess and he tells me all about it. We're very open with most subjects, we talk about drink, drugs, sex and relationships, stds etc. He has a girlfriend and she stays over at least once a week. I don't think control is the word for it but he respects our wishes and always checks it's OK to go out etc. We've always tried to instill in them both that with the right to do stuff comes responsibility to do it right.

DS1 has never been one to do things to excess all the time - he has come home drunk a few times but nothing ridiculous. He first started drinking beer at 15 or so but only at friends houses and never came home as anything more than a little bit tipsy.

DS2 is very focussed on rugby and keeping fit so doesn't drink at all at the moment. Think that may change as he has older friends from playing up years in rugby.

We live in a rural place though so they have always had to rely on lifts which helped me to keep tabs on them.