Oh wise parents of teenagers, AIBU?

[alistron1]

This holidays I've said to my teenage kids (15, 14, 13) that they don't need to 'ask' permission to go out with their friends - just let me know where they are going/who with and for them to be back at a reasonable time. So far it's worked out pretty well.

It turns out that DD1 has been fibbing a couple of times. Not being where she said she would be/with who she is meant to be with. We found this out 'cos yesterday she was allegedly out shopping with a friend in town. DP noticed that he was getting odd notifications on his phone - DD1 had logged into facebook messenger on his phone and she was getting messages from the friend she was meant to be with.

A quick look at her messages told us that she was meeting a random girl who she had 'met' through formspring. We have had SO many conversations as a family about personal safety/internet safety - and to be fair (so as not to drip feed) she has tried to do this before. In may she told me that a school friend was having a eurovision sleepover - it was this formspring girl inviting DD1 to a 'sleepover' at a much older boys house.

What rang alarm bells was that during yesterdays meeting formspring girl wouldn't let DD1 go back to her house because she wasn't allowed to bring friends home. I don't know - it's a side issue but I think there's something a bit 'off' going on there.

I've kept things on the down low - DP and I just let her know that we knew and that we were disappointed. DP is going to have a chat to her today about being safe etc...

Any wise words on how to handle this?

Mmm, is DD1 the 15 or 14 yo? There's a bit difference between a just-turned-14 and a nearly-16, for instance.

I just have one teenager, of the just-turned-14 variety, and if she pulled a stunt like that I would do a ton of bricks impression on her. Cut off all internet access because she has abused it. So her laptop/access to family computer gets taken away. If she has a smart phone with Internet access, that would get replaced with the cheapest, nastiest PAYG for a while. But to be honest, she wouldn't need even that, because she would be grounded for the rest of the school holidays. The only time she would get to leave home grounds are with the rest of the family. She has abused the trust you gave her, so you take away that trust for a while. Lying about where you are, and meeting strangers from the Internet are two enormous no-nos, and your punishment has to reflect that.

On the other hand, if she's more the nearly-16 variety, I'm not sure such a drastic move would work, because after all, she could legally leave home in a few months. I would still take away her Internet access for a while, but I'm not sure if grounding someone of that age is fruitful, or even possible. You might just need to give her a massive lecture on the dangers she's exposing herself to. Ultimately, you know your DD1's personality, and how she is likely to react to different punishments.

It's the 15 year old one. I agree, grounding someone who is less than half a year away from 'adulthood' seems pointless and would cause more trouble than it's worth. Although it's tempting

I guess it's the thing of 'you can't put an old head on young shoulders'

I've also been around the webz for a while, and I COULD be being PFBish but something is making my spidey senses tingle IYSWIM.

No you are not BU, maybe too low key in fact? I agree with Darrowby.
I have a 16 year old DS and I suspect I would go ballistic. Whether you approve of what they are doing or not it's essential that you know they are where they say they are. The crime is the deceit not the activity itself.

Yeah, absolutely - in our house meeting strangers off the internet is certainly not forbidden, as many of my best friends are people I originally met online, and my kids have grown up with their kids. BUT it must be done sensibly and safely, and lying about it means that she is not keeping herself safe. And that's nothing to do with age particularly - eg any online dating service will tell you to let someone know where you're going when you meet a date for the first time.

As to the consequence of it - a massive lecture would certainly be my first reaction! As to the rest - what would hurt more? For my 15 year old, cutting off her internet access would be like cutting off her arm, whereas if I said she couldn't go out, she'd just shrug and go back to bed! So it would be no internet for her, but if she weren't so lazy then grounding might work.

Maryz has posted some good advice. Mine are all in their 20s now but when they were teens we had the same rules. Although if they were our with friends and decided to go somewhere else with them they didn't have to let us know. By that I mean something like deciding to go to the cinema instead of shopping.

I had the 18 year old DD of good friends staying one summer.

I made no attempt to say what she should or should not be doing when she went out, but absolutely insisted that she told us roughly what she was up to and when she would be returning, so that if she didn't arrive I would have some idea when to call the police and be able to tell them something about what she had been doing when she vanished.

I think you should include this message when dealing with DD. It chimes exactly with the other self-protection messages about meeting online friends.

If a freedom is abused by lying, then it should be rescinded for a while. I think you need to stress that it is the lying that is the problem, not necessarily the activities themselves.

As Edith says you need to know roughly where they are and when they will come home. Text updates are ideal. Then if they don't turn up you can point the Police in the right direction.

That is the point I make to my teens. The Police would think we were rubbish parents if we didn't know where they were or who they were with. It is common sense safety stuff.

Thanks all of you!! We've had a talk about the lying being the issue - no sanctions (she was surprised at that, but as I said, how can I ground you when you are bigger than me!!)

A close eye is being kept on things.