Self harming, eating disorders and suicidal daughter - sorry if long!

[biffa85]

I honestly don't know where to start, other than apologising now if this turns into a rather long incoherant mess!
YD is now 12, and for the last 6 months or so has been losing weight. She has decided to restrict herself to 600 calories a day and is now refusing to eat meat. She is basically surviving on salad and cous cous. It's hard to say how much weight she has lost, as she refuses to tell anyone what her weight is, but I'd say she's probably lost around 1 and a half stone (she was slightly over 10 stone when this started, but not fat, just solid). Anyway, she is now being seen by the local CAMHS service. Since she has started counselling, she has admitted to bulimia, and has said that when she gets down to 6 stone she plans to kill herself.
In today's session, she has told the counsellor that killing herself at 6 stone is no longer part of the plan, which led the counsellor to believe that it could be something she is planning on doing sooner. Her comment was along the lines of "I've lied in hell long enough, it's time to get out".
On top of all this, her dad is disabled and suffering mental health issues of his own. He's finding it very difficult to cope with it all and today everything is my fault because I haven't sat down and asked YD exactly why she intends to commit suicide at some point. He's now locked himself in the bedroom in rather upset state. Meanwhile, all the medications have been moved upstairs into our room so she can't get at them, although she does self harm with knives/scissors when she is down.
YD has an appointment next week to see a psychologist who will assess her mental health state. I'm trying to get an appointment urgently for my husband as he was discharged by his own psychotherapist about 2 months ago. He seems to think that I'm not bothered by any of this, although to be honest I'm still reeling from the shock of it all and have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I don't see that getting myself into a mess and sobbing uncontrollably in the corner of the living room is going to achieve anything.
So, any thoughts or words of wisdom or valium would be gratefully received.

You poor thing.
Is she an only child?
Have school helped?
Is there an adult anywhere that she trusts?

There are other people here (Maryz) who are much much better at teenagers than me (I struggle with dd15 and often feel I can't cope anymore). Just wanted to say someone was here.

She's the youngest - ED is 13 and causing me problems of her own, but she's away with Army Cadets this week camping in the wilds of Cumbria.
School have been as helpful as they can be - allowing her to wear arm warmers during PE to hide the self harming scars, and there's a couple of teachers that she can talk to about things as well. Although that's not really much help in the middle of the school holidays!
I've tried talking to her, to find out what it is that's making her feel so bad, but she's not willing to tell me anything. Home life can be a bit chaotic at times due to Hubby's disabilities and mental health issues but I always thought she was coping with things quite well. She's very good at hiding her emotions, so it turns out that I knew nothing, which makes me feel like I've failed somewhat as a parent.
I'm just feeling quite overwhelmed with everything.

Good I feel for you, its like you're the only adult in that whole who's expected to deal with and shoulder everyone else s shit.

I understand your hubby has difficulties but I'm actually quite angry for you that he is taking no responsibility, shoveled more shit on you and locked himself away like a sulking teen, time to act like a fucking father if their ever was a time.

You seem to be doing everything you possibly can within your power, I don't actually think there is more you can be doing. Big Hugs poor you.

You are in the same position I was in 4 years ago (except for the disabled DH which must make it all harder). I thought my DD2 would die: She is now a thriving 16 year old. It was not without making immense changes and dealing with the situation. I don't want to frighten you but if you don't address the ED urgently (and you intend to do so, which is fab) YD could easily die. The only method proven to work with anorexics, and that only for young ones like your DD which is good news, is the Maudsley method. We were lucky enough to be near the actual Maudsley hospital but anyone can practice the method: you take complete control of DD's diet. Tell her that she eats what you tell her, when you tell her. Supervise all meals. Explain that her brain is not functioning properly because it has been taken over by the chemical effects of ED. Tell her that you would be devastated if she died and taht if she carries on, she might. Pile on the emotional blackmail (sorry, I wouldn't usually advise that but needs must). Tell her you love her and are there for her. Can you be home for lunch?

I wrote a blog of my experiences if you are interested. Google "anorexia mummy" and it will appear. Please do pm me.

I feel so much for you and wish you all the strength in the world. Your little girl needs you in spades at the moment. I am so glad she has you. You will need to be brave and strong for her.

If you are not already aware of the Young Minds website www.youngminds.org.uk/, it can offer a lot of support to both parents and also your DD.

hugs

Thank you all so much for your replies. It's a relief to know that it's not just me going through all this. YD has an appointment with the GP tomorrow to have her blood pressure, heart rate and blood tests done. This is something that CAMHS are insisting on so they can monitor her progress - although YD isn't happy about it, it has been explained to her that she needs to co-operate with them and start making progress or they will go down the route of her being sectioned and hospitalised. However, while she's there, I might have a chat with the GP about maybe starting her on anti-depressants as CAMHS seem to think she's depressed as much as anything else.

@Mumofannorexix - I will settle down with a coffee and have a look at your blog, I'm sure it will be very helpful.

@lastnerve - rather bizarrely, DH would probably be the best person for her to speak to as he's coped with depression for 20+ years since breaking his back in the Army and having a medical discharge. The problem is that with his mood swings, he's not exactly approachable and picking the right timing for such a heavy conversation is a science, so she's reluctant to talk to him about anything. He's finding it difficult coping with it all, which I can understand, but his approach is to tackle things head on and force her to sit down and discuss things, which is the complete opposite of me. So, when I told him that I would speak to her and didn't want him around when I did it (because it really wouldn't have helped anyone, least of all YD), he took the hump and thought I meant I didn't want him involved at all. Typical bloke, misunderstanding what has been said to him.

@Ladyinthread - I will have a look at that and see if it helps - although I'm sure anything will help at the moment!

I think what's making this whole thing so difficult is that up until all this started, she had a really healthy appetite. She was the sort of child who would eat whatever I put in front of her - not at all fussy - and would quite often eat more than me (I suffered from ED when I was 14 and my eating habits are still pretty crap now in that I only have one meal a day and can sometimes go a couple of days without having an evening meal at all - so you'd think I'd know what to do with her!). She's never been fat, but I think the start of High School and all the stresses that come with it haven't helped).

Anyway, sorry for waffling on - just wanted to say thanks for the support folks. I shall endeavour to put off my nervous breakdown until such a time as someone can look after me for a change. Until then, I shall self-medicate with wine and chocolate.

biffa - I suffered from anorexia/bulimia for 10 years - it started it when I was 15.

I can only go off my experiences but it really didn't have anything to do with me wanting to diet to look good (I actually hated myself) but it was about the only thing that I could control in my chaotic life. Something I was good at. Something I could rely on. My self esteem was rock bottom.

Hopefully the professionals will be able to get to the bottom of why your DD is so unhappy. Please do not think of blaming yourself in any way.

Those of us who have survived ED without proper treatment and still have a forced relationship with food can't really use our experiences in helping our daughters with their own ED issues if only because what we did didn't really work. If it had worked, we wouldn't still have our own crappy food relationships. Been where you are, DD2 has had three suicide attempts, self harms quite regularly and is just now at nearly 18 escaping these behaviours. I have no advice, as nothing we did worked. She was an excellent liar and got discharged four times by our local mental health services (twice attempting suicide within two weeks of discharge). But, she is coming right now. It's been the longest six years of my life, though.

I feel for you as you must be under almost unbearable stress right now. I urge you to consider counselling as your unresolved issues with food will make it so much harder to be strong enough to support your daughter. My DD, now 16 has gone through hell and back over the past year ( and taken me with her) , she has attempted suicide, has awful scars all over her arms from SH and put on over 3 stone with compulsive eating.
I hope I am not tempting fate here but after a year of CAMHS support ( not counting a disastrous inpatient admission), I am beginning to see a new, stronger DD appearing, who has a better sense of herself and her self worth. She has mostly stopped SH. Keep posting as you will find support here from others who are or have gone through the same, I find it helps me a lot. x