My 14 year old son is out of control

[bluehaven]

Can anyone please help. My 14 year old son who is academically gifted and gifted in sport is self-harming and threatening us. He has a 16 year old girlfriend and is completely obsessed with her and self-harming when they fall out. He is 6 foot tall and very strong and now we are not able to contain him when he is in an emotional state and he is threatening his father and me and crashing his fists into the walls and doors - tonight he took a knife out and threatened to stab himself. He is constantly on his telephone arguing with his girlfriend and I have had to block his phone, this has only fuelled his anger. I simply do not know what to do, can anyone please help?

I am not really sure what to say but didn't want to not reply.

It sounds like you may need to get some professional help for your DS - does he know he is acting in an out of control manner? Or does he think he is acting rationally in the situations?

Would he come to the GP with you - he could be referred to a children/young person mental health service who could help provide therapy and training for both him and you.

I'm really not an expert in this though and I'm sure other people here are - but big hugs to you and I hope you manage to find some help/guidance.

Thank you very much for your quick reply. I think I must get professional help for him as soon as possible. When he has calmed down he does seem to realise that he needs help but at the time of the upset he is completely out of control. My daughter was killed in a car crash eight years ago and my son was in the car - he was six at the time. We didn't get counselling for him at the time, I guess we were too consumed with our own grief, and maybe this is the reason for the problems we are experiencing now. I will make an appointment with my GP tomorrow. Thank you so much for your kind support.

Am on my way to bed, but couldn't not answer this. You poor thing, as a family you've been through a dreadful thing. I'm no expert but obviously your son is seeing this relationship as the 'be all and all' hence the extreme reactions. He has been through an awful thing and now has hormones - I agree with the previous poster, GP.

I hope you have a calm weekend. And I wish I had more constructive advice.

IME, you need help to manage this, but don't anticipate any kind of quick fix. I found the GP particularly useless, and we didn't really get any support/help till DD had attempted suicide twice and dropped ten kg off her already tiny frame. Also, please know that while his sisters death may be a factor in this situation, these things do not exist in a vacuum, and you could not necessarily have stopped this from happening (my dd struggles with the loss of her grandfather when she was three, her older sister is completely unfazed by the same loss, handled the same way) Some kids seem to be designed to have these struggles: One thing though. Remember that all of this anger and rage and awful stuff is a reflection of all of the love and vulnerability that are covered by it. It is, IMO, so very important to remember that even when our baby's are going through such an awful time, and can be so horrible to us, they are still in there somewhere, and they do feel bad about it... Good luck.

Oh, and I don't know how it works there (in another country) but I found out that in order to get the mental health crisis team out to witness what was actually happening (as opposed to telling the GP about it and them ignoring me) was the best thing to do in terms of getting help. We accomplished this by calling the police.

i dont have any advice really I have a 16 yo dd who is a bit of a handful but not to the same extent. The only thing i would say is let him have his phone back, at that age the phone is everything, and seek help ASAP. Hope things get better for you all.

bluehaven, what you are experiencing with your son is much more common than you think. Just last week another friend of mine told me about her son punching holes in walls, having uncontrollable rages and threatening her. I now know of 6 teenaged boys and 1 girl who do or have done this (just in my own circle of friends and acquaintances) - and I would be willing to bet there are more I don't know about, because this is such a taboo subject.

My own son has made 5 or 6 holes in our walls, kicked in a door, broken glass in two external doors, smashed up countless small objects in anger, threatened me, hurt me (minor injuries from pushing and throwing things at me), self-harmed (by scratching himself) once, and harms himself and risk-takes in other ways (e.g. taking drugs).

I felt a huge sense of shock and shame and guilt and confusion and powerlessness when it first started happening with my own son, so I didn't tell anyone else for quite a while, and tried to deal with it on my own. I now find that it is much better to tell people - not everyone in the world, of course, but people who may be able to help, and friends, and parents I suspect may have had similar experiences. If you have friends who have teenage boys the same sort of age or older, you may well find they have the same kind of problems.

Just because it is common does not mean it is 'normal' - you do need to take action, although I agree with beagreassive - don't expect a 'quick fix'. :(

Here are the things I'd suggest, based on what I have found especially useful myself:

• Talk about it. As well telling people (as I described above) I arranged some counselling for myself.

• Find some counselling for your son. But don't pin too much hope on it. It is very hard to arrange in the first place, and many teens don't want to or can't engage in it. (We were told by CAMHS that my son did not reach the 'threshold for intervention', and then by another counsellor that my son did not 'need' more counselling after two sessions).

• Draw some clear boundaries. Decide what is unacceptable behaviour and challenge it, always. This is difficult to do, especially at first IME when everything feels so shocking and unacceptable, and you may find yourself trying to stop things that you just can't stop. For me, it was important to realise that there were some things I couldn't stop but I could still challenge - so for instance, I couldn't stop my son swearing at me when he was angry, but I could always say "Please don't talk to me like that - it's not OK for you to swear at me".

• Do not tolerate violence or threats of violence, ever. You deserve to be and feel safe. Hurting you and threatening you or himself with a knife are definitely not ok. Tell your son that if he is violent again, or threatens you, you will call the police. And do it. I called 999 on my son three times, and on the third occasion I had him arrested and charged (for assault and criminal damage). He has not threatened me since.

• Look after yourself. It took me a long time to work this one out (despite people telling me) because I was focussed on 'fixing it' for my son. But in the end I had to accept I could not control or change his behaviour, but I could change mine. I am much better able to cope and react well if I am doing nice things for myself regularly. For me these 'nice things' include coffee with friends, going swimming, walking in the sunshine, making things/craft - but you will have your own things that make you happy. These things are not 'treats', they are essential coping strategies.

• Read this book to help you understand how teenage minds work!

There is some good advice on the Young Minds website and the NHS Choices website.

Keep posting here, especially if you don't feel you can talk about it to people in real life, because it does help to realise you are not alone!

Thank you all for replying, it has been a great comfort to me.

I have a 10 year old boy who broke many toys having a rage today. He used to have more frequent rages but we have learned to damage control and minimise his anger.

1. We never yell back, always keep our voice calm no matter what. (This had a huge impact once we stuck at it which is extremely hard when someone's throwing things and screaming for up to one-two hours)

2..We remove computer/TV/technology privleges if he hurts his siblings and he is very clear about this rule beforehand

1. We encourage a shower/bath/exercise like walking the dog to assist in calming him once he has been calm for about 1/2 hour, but we do not push him at this time , just move on with our day
2. We wait at least two hours before we have a 'conference' about the outburst, focusing more on alternative more appropriate ways to deal with the behaviour than a consequence i.e. focusing on the goal of him learning how to improve his behaviour than on him requiring punishment
3. We accept that he is behind in his ability to manage his frustration or anger and therefore still aim for him to grow in emotional maturity but later than we had anticipated

4.We also have removed as much additives from his diet as were easily changed without much fuss. e.g.additive free milk,yoghurt, biscuits, preservative free bread. See website fedup.com.au

1. We have more rewards for his lovely sensitive behaviour to show him that we cherish that so much (at first it was for small things, but once encouraged he looked for accolades for his good behaviour). We never let the sun go down on an argument without telling him we love him
2. It is horrible and I wish it would stop recurring but we have found it to be far less frequent now

NB He is top of the class in maths and spelling but has a very mild visual and auditory processing disorder Also since he loves football he gets lots of exercise which helps keep him more even-tempered

Treat yourself daily (nails done, coffee with friend, whatever you love to do)to divert your attention from worrying about this

I think that him being a passenger in a car accident that your daughter was killed in is hugely significant.

What are his self harm behaviours?

Best wishes for the counselling if your son feels up to it. You have been through so much as a family, I really hope things can begin to improve for you all.
If your son feels up to seeking counselling, maybe Dialectical Behaviour Therapy can help your son cope with the mood instability and impulsivity?

You are not alone and though no quick fix, there is support for your family

blue Haven,

You can tackle the issue from all sides- professional advice from naturopath for mood instability/depression for your son and also your family can keep all of you as physically and mentally strong as possible as you are under a huge amount of strain.

I forgot, we also went to a naturopath who put him on high quality magnesium supplement (good for keeping even blood sugar to decrease mood swings, relaxes muscles, eases cramps) and high quality protein shakes He thought it was silly saying Mum I'm OK I wont do it again, but it was upsetting the whole family. Out of control anger and then crying for long time afterwards is scary. There was a pattern and we wanted to see change for the better.

He took the issue and that we were firm about needing change more seriously especially after having to speak to the naturopath and a psychologist about symptoms.

Counselling really helped, he saw a psychologist fortnightly for about four months. He is still very sensitive to frustration and over reacts and we accept it's ongoing but much rarer to attempt to damage property or stay in a rage than before, and we cope better too.

Very best wishes in finding the right support for your family

I cannot believe that all you kind people have gone to the trouble of giving me so much support and advice. I will certainly take on board the suggestions that you have made (Sweetiesmum - you have been so helpful, particularly). We have had a calm weekend, thank goodness! What to do about the girlfriend, I do not know - she is just not the type of girl I would choose for him - but he is utterly besotted with her and this seems non-negotiable on his part. I have such high hopes for him but I am just dreading that he will get distracted before his GCSE's. Can anyone let me know - if I go to the GP - is self-harming a Child Protection issue? I simply cannot bear the thought of getting involved with Social Services and all that involves. For that reason I haven't yet gone to the doctors. My friend told me that she too had issues with her son and she arranged to see a private counsellor and he went three times and has been much better - my son has agreed to give it a go at least. This has been such a help to me - being able to write about my troubles - I can't thank you all enough!

Hi Blue Haven,
I think there is sometimes a link between self harm and chid abuse, so counsellors are obliged to check out the likelihood of this, whoever you see. A good counsellor will see that the horrific car accident and maybe an inherited predisposition to anxiety/depression are factors to consider.

My son still has anxiety, though not obvious, that seems to come out for example, in difficulty getting to sleep the day before an event(takes up to 1/2-2 hours of rubbing his back, talking about positive things to look forward to, practicing relaxing each muscle in his body from toes right thru to his neck, facial muscles, etc (I learnt guided meditation for MY anxiety!)

Pretend that you are sooo glad he is dating the girlfriend and he will stop running to her as much eventually by himself! Dont be too obvious in your apparent change of heart or he'll know you are not quite honest! This will strengthen your bond as he has way less need to be so defensive. In reality few teenage relationships last long term.
I am avoiding an assignment by replying to you (!), and also glad Im not the only parent with a child with such scary behaviour at times. I am aware we will prob see much the same stuff in our sons behaviour at your sons age.

Best wishes for lots more calm weekends for me and you! Can only try!

I am sorry. I did not mean that last comment to be insensitive to your individual situation with your family and all you have been through.I wrote it in a rush while studying.
To explain, I tend to expect the worst as I have 2 siblings with a mental illness and tend to dread any of my children having something similar.

My son has been very calm and happy lately, at school and home, so maybe I need to be more positive and not expect the worst.

Best wishes for your family.

Blue, I can tell you from my own experience...

• When my son self harmed and we went first to our GP then CAMHS, we were not contacted by social services.
• When I arranged other counselling for my son, we were not contacted by SS.
• When I called the police when my son was violent, I was/am aware there was an automatic child protection 'enquiry' on 2 occasions (because my younger DS2 was in the house, and they check automatically if a child is present when domestic violence takes place) - but again we have not been contacted by SS.
• As well as the GP, CAMHS, counselling and police, my son has been in contact with youth service, youth offending team and of course school, because of his behaviour and support needs - but thru' all this, we have never been contacted by SS.

I work in adult social care, and have worked with children's services in the past. I know the threshold for child protection intervention is high. SS will take action if they believe you are abusing your son, but not otherwise.

However, if you do NOT seek support for him when he needs it, this may sound alarm bells for them. They may wonder if you have something to hide, and/or may be more likely to check whether you are looking after his wellbeing.

Again, from my own experience, I can tell you what the police woman told me, when I was upset and worried about the DV child protection enquiry... She said specifically that because I HAD called the police, SS would judge I was protecting DS2 myself, and would not feel they needed to get involved. Generally, it is seen as a positive thing, not a concern, when parents seek help for their child.