Have i done the right thing?

[purplecupcake]

I am a mother of DD's age 16, 17 and 19 and DS of 23 .. over the past god knows how many years DS has had a drink and drugs problem, He has mental health issues which seem to have got worse over the years..he also self harms. The last year has been really bad for all of us.

Due to his drink/drug abuse he was remanded for an offence for 4 months, he came to live with the family after been released with a 12 month suspended sentence for 2 years ( That was 19 months ago, so only a few months to go) The first year he was home, he was great, then he started drinking again and i assume drugs aswell. A few weeks ago he was arrested again for criminal damage, he had no idea of what he had done cos he was off his face on god knows what!
I gave him 1 rule..if he wanted to live at home, there had to be no drinking and no drugs.
That lasted all of 1 week, arrested again for criminal damage.. again he had no idea what he had done, and said when he seen his self on cctv it scared him and he was too scared to drink again. He was bailed with a doorstep curfew (7pm -7am) to my address and restriction from our town centre. That lasted all of 3 days..... He had been drinking again yesterday and after me trying to talk to him he left the house after his curfew to get more drink, and the police were involved again..he had tried to kill his self.

I refused to have him back in my house, which means he will be remanded in custody as they refused to section him cos he only tries to hurt himself when drunk.

I feel so guilty, and that i have failed him as a mother, but i also feel that i can no longer look after him and have to put the rest of the family first for once. I think if the episodes were just once in a blue moon it would be different, but its every other day. I just cant cope anymore, i know as soon as he leaves the house hes drinking...and i dread the thought of him coming home or getting the call from the police.. please some one tell me im right in what i have done in not allowing him here :(

I have no experience in this kind of thing, but didn't want to leave your post unanswered.

I think you have made a difficult decision, but I think it's definitely the right one - you have to think of your 3 other DC and the effect it's having on them.

I don't have any practical advice on this, sorry, but as I say, didn't want to just read and run.

It is tough and painful - but you did the right thing.

I can understand it must be so hard - my lad is 19 and a wandering soul at the mo in that he's a bit 'lost'. I was trying to put myself in to your position - I think that for the sake of your younger children you have done the right thing. They are really your priority as they are not yet adults (the younger ones anyway).

Also, although awful for you that he has been remanded in custody (again, I feel for you so much - there but for the grace of God etc etc) this could end up being a help for him. I know nothing of prisons really but assume they must have counsellors or help for drink/drugs and certainly for those with mental health problems so perhaps he will find help there. I presume he can't drink in prison so may give him time to 'dry out'.

I can only feel for you but it is NOT your fault. All our kids are different. My son is a worry to me but my daughter knows exactly where she is going and how she is going to get there so I guess I'm not doing too bad - mind you, I don't always believe that!

Try and be strong, try and think it may help him and will definitely help your girls.

Take care xxx

purplecupcake I am soooo sorry it has come to this :( Here is a big virtual HUG and I'm putting the kettle on right now ...

You have done the right thing, in as much as there is a 'right thing' to do in a situation like this - the best thing, anyway. You can't control his drinking/drug taking, but you can control your own life and responses. You and your other DCs need to feel safe, and though you're not exactly going to be relaxed at the moment, you will have some respite from being constantly on edge, and you need and deserve this. You can't just keep going and going and going and going with this level of stress...

You've been supportive on threads of mine, so you may remember I have had some similar problems... My DS is 17 not 23, and his drug use is less frequent and less problematic that your son's, but I have come close to throwing him out several times... I still wonder if I should...

I find myself balancing needs and risks and doing the 'least worst' thing: at the mo, the risks to DS1 if he goes are worse than the risks to me and DS2 if he stays, so he's here... If things ever change/tip to the point where it's worse for us, then he'll have to go... And that's where you're at.

I don't think anyone who isn't actually living with a child who is behaving like this can possibly understand how very very hard it is to decide how much you can/should 'tolerate' and how much is too much... You know that kicking your child out (or refusing to have 'em home) will make things worse for him/her, at least temporarily, so you keep trying and trying... If you have got to the point where you have actually taken this painful, difficult decision, purple, then that absolutely definitely means things have gone beyond terrible to impossibly intolerable. :( You have done this because you must.

I'm thinking of you :)

Oh and I found this last night. I haven't contacted them, but think I might. It might be useful for you too..? www.adfam.org.uk/

I agree with others, horrible situation for you.

Maybe tough love is what he needs.

Hugs x

You have not failed as a mother. Only an adict can get themselves clean, and it is tough, really tough.

You can never trust an adict. Your son is somewhere inside the shell of addiction and sometimes you will see a glimpse but then the addiction takes over.

You have done what is the best thing for him. He is realtively safe, I know there are ways to get drugs in prison, but there is also access to rehab.

One thing that might help jim is to get him away from home when he is released. At the moment your son knows where he can get the drugs, and the dealers know where he is and they will be comming round tempting him.

Does he have a relative he could stay with, one 100+ miles away? If he is determind to stop then going somewhere he would have to search out the drugs.

Give your girls an extra hug, you are doing this for all your children.

In the end only your son can quit, you cannot quit for him.

You've done the right thing. A very good friend of mine is a recovered addict and whenever I have problems with my DD's he points out that I can't save them and that whenever I try I am just stopping them from saving themselves, and denying them the opportunity to grow and learn. He is very right.

Thank you all for the support, at the moment he is in a secure unit at the local hospital so for now he's safe and in the right place to get some help