DS17 is sneaking people into my house when I've said no, and it's freaking me out

[flow4]

Sorry. Long one. I think I'm offloading as well as asking for opinions.

A bit of background (for those of you who don't already know)... About 6 weeks ago, I had a nightmare weekend: I was burgled by someone who had a key for my house - so almost certainly one of my son's 'friends'; then my own son was arrested because the police suspected him; then, tho he hadn't, it turned out that he was at a party held by his 'best mate' (19) and attended by many local lads, plus - incredibly shockingly - two men who had allegedly just stabbed a couple of people, killed one of them, gone home to get changed, and headed off to the party. :( :(

I put a ban on my son bringing anyone at all into my house for a week or two. I then relaxed that ban to "no-one comes in when I'm not at home and around to supervise". My logic was/is that (a) my son has a lousy taste in friends, (b) until I know who did burgle me, I can't be sure who didn't, and (c) DS2 and I need to be and feel safe in our own home.

But my son does not respect my feelings or take them seriously at all. He has totally different values and measures of risk/danger/acceptable behaviour. He thinks I'm making 'a fuss'. Since then, he has broken the ban several times. He has let his friends in when I have been at work. He snuck 4-5 lads in when I was asleep and they took drugs in my kitchen. Last night, he snuck his 'best mate' in after I had gone to bed, and when I discovered him and chucked him out, my son kicked off, screamed and swore at me, and left with his mate to go and find somewhere else to sleep.

His take on it was that his mate had no-where else to stay, he stands by his mates and supports them, he didn't ask because he knew I'd say 'no', and there was no way he was going to let him 'go out on the streets' on his own. My take on it is that I do not trust the guy - there's something about him that makes me uncomfortable; he has never had a conversation with me or made any effort to be pleasant; people who have 'nowhere to stay' have burnt bridges and are not good news; every time my son has anything to do with him there's trouble; and anyone who is happy to try to sneak into a house past a sleeping mum is untrustworthy.

I am now close to panic because I can't work out what to do... My problem is that if I ask myself "What do you want in this situation?", everything I can think of is impossible or worse than the current situation... I have been here before and I know I am going round in circles... :(

My first choice would be for my 'nice' son to come back and replace this selfish f*cker who has taken his place during the last couple of years :( I know that isn't going to happen, of course.

My second choice would be for him to get an entirely different set of friends - nice ones who are at college or in work, and who don't have criminal records. But of course I can't chose his friends for him, and he's not going to make any new friends while he's not doing anything.

My third choice would be for a relative to offer to have him live with them. We haven't got any who would/could. And his useless f*cker father is on the other side of the world.

My fourth choice would be for DS1 to leave home happily and go and live somewhere far away doing something constructive that will help him grow up, and come home to visit from time to time when we both want to see each other. That isn't going to happen either: he doesn't want to go anywhere, he isn't mature enough, he's a bit of a lazy sod, and he's too young for any organised schemes (like VSO).

My fifth choice option would be to throw him out. But that will bring him into more contact with the people and things I don't want in my life, or his. I fear for his safety and wellbeing.

My sixth option is to have him living at home but not to allow anyone else in at all ever (or at least not until he makes some new nice friends ). But that needs his co-operation, and I haven't got it :(

My seventh option is to have him living at home and allow friends in when I am at home and awake... But we've tried that, and the trust is already broken. And again it requires cooperation from him that isn't there.

I can't work out any option that would actually work :(

So (and if you've read this far, thanks) I have some specific questions for people. Any answers/thoughts welcome...

1. Am I being unreasonable to be now wanting a total ban on having any of his friends in my house?

2. I hate that my son has friends I do not like or trust. I know that's quite a common parent perspective, but how do other people deal with it? Do you let people you don't like and trust into your house?

3. Given that I can't actually enforce a ban on my son's friends with my son living at home, do I just (a) give in and let them hang out at my house; or (b) accept it's impossible for my son to live at home any more, and throw him out, despite inevitable bad consequences for him? :(

4. I wonder whether a compromise would work - i.e. allow the 'best mate' in, even though I don't like or trust him - on the understanding that no-one else is allowed in ever - and taking the gamble that this will make it more likely DS will stick to the agreement. My trust in DS is so damaged I would expect this agreement to be broken too... But is it worth a try?

Or can anyone else think of something that would work?

I am really struggling with this. Any help/advice will be much appreciated :)

Long way to go still then :(

Well, short of you all moving (and there's no guarantee that he won't find similar "mates" wherever you go), I think helping him find an aim in life will be the best way to get him out of the rut he's in. I do hope you can get him into some programme where he goes elsewhere for a period of months, learns a new skill, possibly even a new language and comes out of it more grown up and with a better attitude and level of confidence than he's currently displaying.

Either that, or send him on one of of those reality tv "bootcamp" shows.

Once again, no opinions or suggestions but just my support. His dad doesn't sound much help, but does he know what you are having to put up with? Surely it's about time he took some responsibility for his son and take DS in hand.

Thanks all.

The moving option is not simple, for several reasons. I made a very deliberate choice to move here, 22 years ago, and have made it my home. I am a single parent with no (useful) family, so my friends and even my neighbours have been my support. I have strong emotional ties here, and the thought of starting again somewhere else terrifies me. DS2 has all his friends here too, and it seems unfair to drag him away from them. Perhaps even more importantly, DS2 has a close relationship with his dad, who lives about 5 minutes walk away from us. He goes there after school on the days I work, stays there overnight twice a week and 'drops in' sometimes when he feels like seeing him. His dad does not drive, and cross-country public transport is not good, so it would fall to me to play chauffeur/taxi very much more often, and it would put an end to the spontaneity in their relationship. So far, I have managed quite successfully to shield DS2 from many of the effects of his big bro's lifestyle/choices, but moving him away would mean he was affected in a major, negative way. It doesn't seem fair, especially since DS1 may leave home or get himself kicked out in a year or two, or even sooner. What I have considered, and am still considering, is renting somewhere temporarily for 6-12 months, just to 'break the pattern' for DS1... But really, it's him we need to get out of the area, not us.

Brightspark, DS1's dad doesn't know. He moved out of the country about 4 years ago, when the CSA caught up with him, to avoid paying maintainance. (This isn't speculation; he wrote to me to tell me so, and to rant about me 'forcing' him to go abroad because I had contacted the CSA. He also wrote an email telling me I had "tricked" him into having a child). He hasn't seen DS1 at all in 4 years, has only seen him once a year in the previous 8 or so, and has never paid any maintainance. He has changed his email address and I don't have a phone number for him. I do have a partial work address, on the other side of the world... But I haven't bothered to write because I am quite sure I can predict his response. :(

you are allowing ds1 to put ds2 at risk, and ds2 should go and stay with his dad until this is sorted

MCat, in the house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And paying him for work. If I understand correctly you mean for helping you out.

Why??

You are feeding and homing him.

Stop enabling him by giving him money (and making excuses to yourself for doing so), he wont listen, stop feeding, washing clothes etc.

Get tough.

what, you have obviously only read half the thread. There's no Mcat in the house. He doesn't get paid for 'helping', he gets paid for working: things I would need to pay someone else more to do: building shelves, decorating, cleaning I don't do myself. Lack of money does not mean lack of drugs, because friends will always sub each other; but in my experience, doing some graft makes him less likely to feel bored enough to do it. I haven't washed his clothes for him for about 5 years! He is, in fact, listening... And has today attended his 3rd session with a YP's drugs agency...

The only way I can get tougher is to throw him out - which I am trying not to do, because I judge this to be the 'least worst' option.

sorry to hear that Flow, so that's a non starter. Ds1 must undoubtedly be affected by his dad's indifference, not that excuses his behaviour.

Whattocallmyself you can't stop feeding your child. It's very easy to judge when you are not in the situation. Glad he went to the Yp s drug agency hope this is helping him.

I have read the thread - and you said his friends were doing drugs in your house.

You shouldn't be paying him to do things like that - he is living with you - he should be just helping - that's what families do.

As for judging and not understanding a situation - I clearly understand a) far more than you realise and b) what the potential consequences to your ds2 are.

I didn't move my dc out of harms way from their sibling - and the price we - well the DCs - have paid is way, way too high for any child.

You have said you yourself don't feel safe - so why subject the other dc to it.

I moved areas to get my son away from bad influences,unfortunately i didnt move far enough and he would just walk or cycle the 5miles back to where we used to live.It also made it worse for me as I couldnt keep an eye on him any more ,he would not come back for days on end,was drinking and smoking drugs even more and it made me realise he hadnt actually been that bad before :-(
I think if we had stayed I would have been able to control him more :-/ another factor in him stopping the drugs (although he didnt do the drug involved) was 2 aquintances dying from taking mcat .
I had to remove him from the house as he stole every console ,game and phone in the house ,his siblings had nothing left ,and he still denied it was him :-(