Feeling guilty because I'm not looking forward to DS1 coming back from his holiday

ptangyangkipperbang · 2012-07-27T13:55:56+00:00

DS1 has been away camping for a week and peace has prevailed in our house. DS2 and DS3 have played together, we've had days out with lots of fun, no sulking, no violence, no arguments. DS3 said how much better it is when DS1 isn't around and although I denied it, inwardly I agreed. How can I feel more positive about him coming home?

Olympia2012 · 27/07/2012 14:57

Ooh that's a tough one! A nice welcome home dinner for everyone?

threeteens · 27/07/2012 15:14

How old is he?

Original poster

ptangyangkipperbang · 27/07/2012 16:08

He's 14 and is really difficult at the moment. He's vile to his brothers and has a real temper. He always feels 'hard done by' insisting that he is treated unfairly compared to them. He hasn't grasped that he gets punished because he attacks them, refuses to do things and is abusive to us. The other two do get punished but obviously the punishment for something like an untidy room is less than one for violence. I just feel exhausted with it all. He makes the house an unhappy place to be in.

We used to think that it was a phase and at least he was okay at school and when he's out and about. How wrong we were! I was called into school before the hols and told how poor his attitude is and that he'd been given a number of dententions, which we didn't know about because he'd intercepted the post.

OP posts:

threeteens · 27/07/2012 17:05

I'm so sorry - you sound so blue.

Hopefully it IS a phase but these phases can last a while and cause a lot of anguish in the process.

I think that if I were in your position I would try this tactic:

Ignore most "bad" behaviour. Notice any/ all "good" behaviour and heap praise on him. Give the odd little soft reward for good behaviour too. Let him overhear you telling Granny/ a friend/ whoever about something positive that he's done and how lovely he is and that he's really growing up these days... Of course it's wishful thinking but I think this can be quite a positive and useful trick.

If he does something deliberately awful and provocative, stay calm and state that he's crossed the line and it's very disappointing and the punishment is x then withdraw. Take the younger two and go to Tescos or somewhere and leave DS to feel an idiot and reflect.

You want him to make the connection that good behaviour results in good times for him a d bad behaviour results in nothing.

I don't know of any of this is helpful. It's such a challenge sometimes - I'm sure you're doing the best you can - it's not easy.

Best wishes to you..

threeteens · 27/07/2012 17:13

I'm so sorry - you sound so blue.

Hopefully it IS a phase but these phases can last a while and cause a lot of anguish in the process.

I think that if I were in your position I would try this tactic:

Ignore most "bad" behaviour. Notice any/ all "good" behaviour and heap praise on him. Give the odd little soft reward for good behaviour too. Let him overhear you telling Granny/ a friend/ whoever about something positive that he's done and how lovely he is and that he's really growing up these days... Of course it's wishful thinking but I think this can be quite a positive and useful trick.

If he does something deliberately awful and provocative, stay calm and state that he's crossed the line and it's very disappointing and the punishment is x then withdraw. Take the younger two and go to Tescos or somewhere and leave DS to feel an idiot and reflect.

You want him to make the connection that good behaviour results in good times for him a d bad behaviour results in nothing.

I don't know of any of this is helpful. It's such a challenge sometimes - I'm sure you're doing the best you can - it's not easy.

Best wishes to you..

threeteens · 27/07/2012 18:25

Apologies for the double post

ImperialBlether · 27/07/2012 19:44

Isn't it a pain that boarding school isn't seen as a solution to this sort of problem!

One thing I'd say - he will know that people are happier when he's not there. The best thing you can all do is to look happy to see him.

Get school to email you instead - it's ridiculous that he's able to intercept mail. You need to work with them - is there someone there who can help? A counsellor?

Original poster

ptangyangkipperbang · 27/07/2012 20:03

Thank you for your responses. He can be lovely and we do try to praise him but then he says we're being sarcastic! I'm not sure whether it's me or him that needs the counsellor!

Hopefully the school will be more proactive now they know I want to work with them to help him.

I've read another thread today about a troubled early teen and posters seem to be implying that his behaviour is attention seeking because his parents work long hours. I deliberately chose to work term time only and am always there for him so it's not lack of attention. I know being a teenager is hard and I'm always telling my husband to pick his battles and I do let the small stuff go.

At least we've had a week off and hopefully we can all start afresh tomorrow.

OP posts:

SecondhandRose · 27/07/2012 20:08

Could you put a small reward system in place for his good behaviour or do his hormones trample all over anything like that?

I think a good chat with him might be in order with discussions about him being the oldest and the others looking up to him, behaving like a team not enemies. Obviously don't say anything about the house being happy and quiet - you will need to tread carefully.

You could also make him feel special by getting him involved with some decision making about the younger ones - ask his advice about things.

ImperialBlether · 27/07/2012 20:13

You could pin up a list of punishments and rewards and make sure you stick to them for all of the children.

Just act as though you really like him. Ask him for his opinion. Say, "I did what you said, today, and...."

There is nothing worse than feeling people at home don't want you there.

Original poster

ptangyangkipperbang · 27/07/2012 20:17

Even though I'll keep quiet I'm sure it won't be long until his brothers tell him how nice it's been without him!

I try to explain that we're all a team and should work together to create a happy home but he's only interested in himself.

God I'm sounding so horrible. He can be lovely but it's like treading on eggshells. His response to everything is that other people behave worse. I don't care what others do I just know that his rudeness, violence, stealing (although he denies it) and total unreasonableness is dragging us ALL down.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 27/07/2012 20:29

OK well you have to bribe your other sons not to say something hurtful to him.

He's a teenager. They are all interested only in themselves.

I'm sorry it's like that for you. I got through it by reminding myself that when you're so close to them as small children, if they left home you'd die of heartache. Adolescence is the way you can cope with them going later.

Does he have any interests?

flow4 · 27/07/2012 22:53

I think you are right, Imperial: by being foul to live with, teenagers make it easier for themselves - and you - to separate.
Sometimes I think this is why single parents seem to have particular problems with their teens, especially with single children: the relationship is closer to start with, so the teenagers have to be extra-horrible to break the emotional bond and be able to leave!

GnomeDePlume · 28/07/2012 00:17

Is there any way you can make his return uncritical? This is a chance of a new start for you all.

Will there be an opportunity (can you make one) to talk about his week away, one on one? To talk about his experience. To spend a week away from family (no matter how much he kicks against you) is a 'big thing'.

Can you 'big up' the growing up aspect of his experience?

I have teenage children, I know what a transitional age this is.

chocoluvva · 29/07/2012 23:24

Hopefully he'll be on good form after a fun week away and it'll be a fresh start.

FussArse · 29/07/2012 23:41

How about you or your husband taking him somewhere 1:1 sometimes, where you can interact with him in a more adult way. It might help him feel 'wanted'/'special' and help you forge a different type of relationship with him. People like feeling wanted and valued - even though he may not show it initially.
How old are your younger 2?

jshibbyr · 30/07/2012 03:12

i think in this situation ImperialBlether's idea sounds good, if he feels hard done by and that the younger ones get lesser punishments having a list of punishments and having it the same for all 3 for example 'stealing' - you must replace it, 'messy bedrooms' fav possession taken for a day (examples obviously) this would show your eldest that the punishments are the same, he will fight against it, and will say that his siblings are treated less harshly, but he will know that he's not, he's going through a hard stage, and younger siblings are always seen to be treated better (i've left home and still have a bit of jelousy). but he's becoming an adult you need to make him feel as if he is an adult, like other posters have said getting him involved in decisions will make him feel wanted in the household, you said you are there for him, but do you do anything with him (try to) you mentions you've had days out while he was away, do you do this while he is there? it still may be attention seeking behaviour (as well as hormones surging through him) just because your in the house doesn't mean that he's feeling loved. hope you work it all out with him