Drinking and lies....

[skyblue11]

My DD left her ipod facebook messages open, basically she intends to go to a party this saturday and stay there overnight, and drink alcohol 'whatever xxx pours down my throat' was the quote. Now she only ever drinks a glass of wine at home, and I don't like the fact she felt the need to lie and say she was staying at her friends when in reality it's an overnighter at this party. I'm really disappointed she lied and also concerned that she's going with the intention of getting drunk and she's not used to alcohol.
I know it's a teen thing but I'm just concerned, I know her mate would have said just tell them your staying at mine as she has openly admitted she lies to her parent as to her whereabouts and it's rubbing off on my DD...
How do I go about this, haven't told DH he'd have a fit!

Yes, sure, the odd wine under supervison, she was saying she's worried she might be sick, her friend told her to eat lots before, she's 16...

But this is the thing, she is sensible but still wants to do it, I just want her to be safe....but who knows how she'll react to alcohol?

How about saying to her that at 16 sometimes people take alcohol to sleepovers so you want her to know how alcohol will affect her.

Set up a camcorder.

Give her

1 beer
1 glass of wine
1 whisky
1 vodka

She will have the hangover from hell, she will feel sick. Once she has recovered tell her one more drink would be a lethal dose.

One thing whe probably won't feel is drunk. Teenagers process alcohol differently to adults. There has only been one study, it is considered unethical to study teens drinking.

She is 16, you cannot live her life for her, you can give her the tools to cope.

Most importanltly she needs to know that she can call you at any time and you will pick her up, you will not give her a lecture, you will not ask questions, you will keep her safe.

I think that if I were you, I would do this:

Don't make any reference to having seen her messages on her iPod. She might flare up about you snooping and this argument could cloud the real issue for you which is her lying to you about her plans and your concerns about alcohol.

Pick your time and talk to her in a calm and light way.

Tackle the business of staying over at the party - make noises along the lines of how a lot of your friends' kids now stay over at parties and when you think about it makes some sense - saves everyone's parents having to go out at all hours etc... You want to create an environment where ir's easy for her to say "actually, Mum, I can stay over at this party on Saturday night - I didn't know if you would be cool about it" and for you to be able to say "Sweetheart, you're sixteen now - not six - it's the school holidays and you worked hard for your GCSEs, your friends are a lovely bunch - I'm delighted you've got lovely things to do - of course I want you to have fun". Basically, you want her to ask your permission to stay over at the party house (since you know she's doing it anyway!) so that you can give it. Then praise her for being mature and adult in coming to you directly. Say how very upset you'd be if you thought she was the sort of kid who'd lie and sneak around behind your back. Say how pleased you are that you can be open with each bother. Stress how vital it is that she always tells you the truth about her life - stress that she can rely on you to be reasonable and to find ways of doing things that are acceptable to both of you.

Now take the chance to talk to her about alcohol. Tell her it's inevitable that from here on, people will be bringing booze to parties and that, together, you need to decide what's the best way of her having fun and a bit of an introduction to alcohol but in a safe way. In our house my older two know to eat before, eat after (midnight munchies)) stick to one drink and have masses of water. I agreed with mine that it's better to take your own drink to a party and stick to that rather than sharing sips of other peoples because you don't know what you've had. At the age of sixteen, mine take or have taken something like two or three little bottles of beer or cider or those little cans of a spirit and mixer (Pimms and lemonade) and they have spaced these out through the evenIng. This has worked for us - they are joining in but they are in control. Say how you can guarantee that there is always someone who gets it wrong and gets horribly drunk and is sick everywhere and it's just vile - who would want to be that girl, yuck, it stinks and it's so demeaning etc etc. after the party you can have a post-mortem and let her tell you who threw up and you can praise her for being the clever one - has fun, joined in but maintained her dignity.

In all things with teenagers, I think it's better to be realistic and to aim for compromises that work and to encourage them to know that they can be open with you and that you will be reasonable.

All of this is just how I would handle things - good luck whatever you decide to do.

I now have to deal with another aspect of this business of kids sneaking around and lying.

My sixteen year old works part-time in a cafe with a really, really lovely bunch of kids aged 16 to about 21. Most of them are 17/18. These kids often have a night out together. My DD and her friend are the youngest two (at 16) and are desparate to join in this little social scene. I've said to my DD that (as a one-off, in the holidays, as a special treat) she can go to the first bit of the evening - drinks in the pub (she has no ID - she can have lemonade) just to be able to join in and be sociable but that she'll be picked up before the rest of them go off to a club. She's perfectly happy with this - she knows she's young and that her turn will come in a couple of years for clubbing as it has for my older teen. The deal is, though, that she goes with her 16 year old friend, I drop them off at the pub at, say, eight, they stick to lemonade all night, they stay together, and I pick them up at 10.30 before the others go off clubbing. If there is any sort of a problem, they call me and I'm there in five minutes.

This is my second time around - with my second teen - so I feel
more secure in myself making these sorts of decisions about what is ok for my kids and when. Completely respect that other parents make different decisions.

Last night, DD told me that her friend's parents are (apparantly) "really strict" and would never let her do something like this so she always just lies to them and says she's staying at a girlfriend's house - on this occasion, it would be mine. I've told DD that I'm not happy to accommodate someone who is lying to their parents and that her friend needs to sit her parents down and have a sensible conversation with them about the reality of her life. Also that they can call me if they want to discuss the girls' plans and agree the boundaries but DD says her friend's parents would "go mental" so it's easier for her to lie. It's put me in an uncomfortable position - I've always stressed to my kids that they must tell me the truth and that we'll have a reasonable discussion and find compromises that are acceptable all round but what happens with other people's kids lying?

I do not want to facilitate this child doing something behind her parents' back. DD says that this girl (and lots of her other friends) do this "all the time" and it's her/ their look-out, not mine.

I can't drop a kid at the pub knowing that her Mum thinks she's at my house eating Haribo and watching Twilight but I'm not happy for my DD to go to this night out without a friend to go with/stay with/ come home with.

I've asked DD if they could go out for a pizza instead of to the pub (since this "sounds" so much better and, I'm guessing, would almost certainly be acceptable to her friend's parents but she says that, as the youngest ones, she and her friend can't start dictating the agenda to this group who go out together often - which I can understand.

I think I might have to just stress again to DD that her friend MUST tell her Mum. It's a minefield, isn't it?

Regarding the facebook comment - she may not be intending to do that, it might just be bragging?