Summer holiday spending money, WWYD?

[lilibet]

We are going to Brittany on Sunday for two weeks with ds2, 15, and his mate, who shall be known as Ds2m.

Ds2m's mum asked about spending money, I said that ds2 will have 10 euros per day, so she is givng her son the same.

Ds2 has saved sod all, so we told him about three weeks ago that he could work for it by doing jobs round the house but mainly painting the outside fence and gates which will be about two days of a job.

He has done sod all, and it isn't looking likely that he will. He's been in a typical 15 year old mood and I'm very emotional at the moment which isn't helping, so we have had quite a few rows.

So, do I give him money without him doing jobs? If I don't give him anything ds2m will end up funding him, along the lines of 'lets go and play pool, I'll pay because you have no money" which effectively halves the money that his mum and dad have given him, his dad's just lost his job, so why should they fund my ds who is being a lazy beggar. If I tell ds2m not to fund him they will both be miserable or do I just give him the money which really goes against the grain?

This is our only holiday this year, I have SERIOUS PMT and today have been to see my 32 year old sister in law in the hospice who will very likely die while we are away. Hence I am very emotional and keep crying. This makes me want to think, bugger it, life's too short, give him the money and let him have a good holiday. I would do this without hesitation if I thought he would be grateful but the mood he is in at the moment i know that won't happen. [little swine emoticon]

WWYD?

Sorry you are having such a hard time lilibet and so sorry to hear about your sister in law. Sounds like you really need the break and could do with a peaceful holiday. I can see where you are coming from re being annoyed with your DS attitude to the money and it wouldn't be fair on DSm if he has to keep subbing DS so they can do things.

You need a break which if the boys are off entertaining each other, you will get, so I would give him the money but make it clear that you want the jobs doing when you get back and/or if he normally gets pocket money- deduct what you think he hasn't earned from that after you get back. But for the sake of your sanity and a good holiday I would give it to him now with a more jokey "Not that you have exactly earned it yet, but the jobs will still be there when we get back".

Really hope you are soon feeling better and can get a bit of rest on your holiday.

It sounds as though you really need a holiday.
I'd say do whatever will help you enjoy this holiday more? If that means giving him the cash then do it with a smile and try to put your resentment in a box. He is being a 15 year old, that's all.
I'm sorry he isn't helping you but 15 year old boys are, I'm sorry to say, self centred and not well known for empathy.

I'm sorry you're having such bad time, lilibet :( My DS1 plays these kinds of money games all the time, and they're hard to win. It was an added strain for me last spring/summer when my dad was dying and DS1 seemed extra-unhelpful. With hindsight, I think being a pain in the bum was his way of dealing with the stress.

I'm with squirrels here: do whatever will help you enjoy this holiday more. I admit I am wondering whether you want this holiday, under these circumstances... If you think your SiL may die when you are away, and you are close to her, that may be more important for you. One of the hospice staff gave me some good advice last year: she said "Do what you can live with afterwards". She said everyone's different, and for some people, being there when their relative/friend dies is really important, and they can't forgive themselves if they're not. Other people can say their goodbyes, and accept that the person may die when they're not there... (This advice helped me decide whether to go home for some sleep one night, and my dad did die when I was away, but it was OK, because I had already accepted that he might, and didn't need to tie myself in guilty knots about it).

If you do decide to go ahead with the holiday, I wouldn't advise extending the debt (i.e. telling him to do the jobs when you get back) unless you are also prepared to extend your stress. I'd say either push it now, if you feel he must work for it ("You have run out of time: you are grounded until we go away because you haven't done those jobs before now and you need to earn your holiday money"), or give it as a gift ("I've decided because we're all having such a rough time I'm not going to make you do those jobs, and I'm going to give you your holiday money as a treat"). Under the circumstances, I'd be inclined to the latter.

(And remember it'll probably be easier to get him to be helpful while you're on holiday, because he'll have a friend there - you can ask them both to do little jobs and your son is more likely to do them because his friend will be too polite to refuse! You can tell yourself he's paying you back that way if you like - tho I wouldn't tell him!)

I hope the bad times don't last too long for you.

Thanks for the replies.

He has been better over the last couple of days, he even washed my car yesterday

We said our good byes to SIL (it's dh's brother's wife) on Thursday, it's been strange, we were never that close before she came ill and probably only saw them three or four times a year, but being sat in a hospice room chatting to someone for a couple of hours every week does help you to get to know them better.

I should really pack as we leave in 13 1/2 hours and nothing is in a case yet

I'm sorry to hear your sad news. I hope you can relax a bit more now and have a good holiday :)

Give DS2's pocket money to DS2m. That way ds does not get the money and ds2m can fund him and not be out of pocket.