sons Dad not his biological dad Help

[crazydee]

Hi All, cut a very long story short. I know i suffer from emotionand mental abuse by my husband. I have 2 kids 1 is his youngest (12) nearly (13) and eldest isnt (16). After another week of arguements my eldest son kicks off apparantly whil I am at work. Son goes out and husband tells younger son that his brother has a different dad. Even tells him his name. My kids don't get on at the best of times so after a lot of thinking I decided it best to tell eldest the truth, I felt I owe it to him rather then my husband or his brother to tell him. I told him at my mums house on sunday. He seemed to take it very well and said he was relived and kind of knew.
I have had many problems with my eldest over the last year. He refused to go to school, got arrested, stole from us, he was smoking canabis and m cat. It all came to a head and he went into a hostel for 6 weeks. He has been back about 6 weeks before this kicked off. I can honestly say he had been really well behaved up until sat night. The arguement was over him going to hit his brother. Still dont know the truth of what happend. husband is calling him all sorts saying he had enough of him now. etc. Anyway does anyone have any experience of telling a child at this age and any advice on what to do now. A very worried mum x

For clarity, your eldest didn't know?

Are you saying that your eldest son thought your husband was his Dad? He's 16 and didn't know the truth - but knew that he was treated differently by him? And then you wonder why he has problems?

Dear God please save us from parents who fuck their children up! I deal with the emotional wreckage everyday and frankly there is not a day go by when I don't feel like going and spelling it out for them that "this is your fault!"

This is not going to end well for someone - and I pray it is not your sons.

My dh didn't know his "dad" wasn't his dad until he was 24!! he knew he was treated differently an that his parents favoured his brother. Seriously they have a very strained relationship for years and now we have cut them out completely.
Sorry you are likely the cause of his problems, how can you lie to him for so long about something so important?!

Wow, let's take a deep breath and be constructive, please. The OP came on here for some advice, and it will not help her - or indeed her son - if people go on the attack. She will need to be a stronger, more confident mother to help her son in this situation - not a guilty, defensive one.

crazydee, I have two sons with two different fathers, of similar ages (12 and 17). Both of them have always known. My eldest has done all the things you describe and has unresolved grief and anger about his dad leaving him. He has always been jealous of the good relationship his younger brother has with his father. So it is not necessarily the 'not knowing' that has caused the anger - in fact, I'd think it was unlikely.

Even if it was a factor, there's nothing you can do about that now - you can't turn the clock back - you just need to support your son now. Tell him you love him. Answer any questions he has honestly. He might be angry with you at some point - be prepared for that and if it comes, let him express his anger verbally (but not physically towards you or anyone else).

But I agree with Maryz that it sounds like the problem is more your husband than your son. You say your husband is abusive. Children who live with domestic abuse are affected by it, sometimes very badly. Here is a link describing some of the ways children can be affected. Older boys can become badly affected if/when they get to a point where they feel they 'should' be 'protecting' their mum, but can't. :( If you think any of this applies to your boys, maybe it's time to think about leaving your husband...?

Good luck.

Awbless. Op really didn't need that right now. Alot of kids are messed up because their parents don't get the help & support they need. You don't know why op didn't tell him. Everyone struggles with parenting especially in an abusive relationship.