are we letting her down ?

[Mrsjay]

dd1 has finished college and waiting to start her degree she still lives at home and she has a job , however I am hearing so n so has a flat parents bought them it for uni or thingys parents have paid for them to go camp america for the summer and on and on it goes,
is she missing out on opportunities I am starting to doubt myself I want her to be independent of us paying for things but would love her to have experiences her friends have, not sure why im posting just feeling a bit that we dont have the money to do these kinds of things for her,

Of course you're not letting her down. Can she get a job over the summer so she can help fund things for herself?

I'm assuming she's 18 now. I think it all depends on your circumstances.

Not all uni students get a flat that their parents have bought. I only know of it happening once so you can assume her friend is in the minority. Also her friends may be off on exciting trips but again I think parents paying is a minority at that age.

The reason I asked her age is because I think she is old enough to accept that money doesn't grow on trees and if you can't afford things that are non essential then it's up to her to try and fund it herself or not.

I am just feeling a bit sorry for her I guess if she was unhappy she would do something about it eh she does work at the weekend I just think she mopes about not doing much she should be out in the world doing 'something'

she is 19 and she never asks for anything she is abit of a homebody if im honest I am thinking to much into it, all her old school friends seem to be off doing stuff and she isnt,

She could do some front line volunteering in this country. That would certainly be an experience for her. Plus it looks good on a CV.

Not to be cynical but it would also give her some good stories of her own to share with her friends.

You are not letting her down. My parents helped me with things like tea towels and the traditional first supermarket shop when I moved into halls but the summer before uni (same with my DSis) was spent working and paying for my own fun.

I did meet plenty of people whose parents had paid for expensive holidays or who hadn't worked. The vast majority didn't have their heads screwed on, had no concept of budgeting or living reasonably and spent a large proportion of uni growing up when they should have been studying ... You are (IMO) doing her more of a favour than the parents who pay for everything, particularly in this climate when work experience is so important.

I think she/we need to find her some motivation to go off and do something

You are not letting her down. My parents and no money so I had to fund my own Uni. And quite rightly, I was an adult, wanted to be treated like one. They visited did would take me shopping and it was great to buy other food apart from value stuff! And when I went home all my fave foods were cooked. That to me was much more important, I felt like they cared. I made enough money to fund my own travels and I felt independent and like I didn't have to please anyone or pretend I enjoyed it if I didn't.

Thanks all I guess i was just having a wobble sigh you never stop worrying about them

Think I'm feeling a bit "wobbly" too at the mo. More to do with ds1 hanging around the house during uni break while friends all appear to be doing something or other whether funded by parents or not.

Actually had a brain wave last week. Got him sending out loads of emails. And hey presto, he's now sorted for the rest of his hols! He got 4 weeks of paid work (in a local summer camp - not in America though!) and 2 weeks unpaid work experience (plus week's hols with us and a week with his uni mates). If she really wants to keep busy, it may be worth sending out a few emails to places that may be relevant to her studies/skills - you never know what may crop up.

I don't know anyone who has bought their kids a place for their second year at uni. Don't think it's that common - although someone is racking-in the cash judging by how much the landlords charge the students!

Don't feel bad - I know someone who gets her dd out of debt, pays all her hols, car insurance, beauty treatments....the lot. Is she grateful? Is she heck!!

Absolutely not letting her down, I've just finished uni and my parents gave me too much! As such, I'm probably not as independent as I could be, I rely on them a lot and I definitely would prefer to be treated more as an adult, rather than the 15 year old that they sometimes still treat me as!

I'm a total homebird; in school/uni holidays, I'd hardly go out and see others, much prefer being at home and my own company.

I have one at Uni, one about to go to Uni, and they have not had flats bought, holidays paid for, cars or even driving lessons... we simply don't have the money!

Life isn't like that for the majority of people (unless she is mixing in a pretty wealthy set!)

I'd guess she is just having a bit of an 'it's not fair all my friends have X' moment.. she'll get over it :D

again many thanks for a kick up the rear what am I like I was one of those mums who said If X jumped off a bridge bet you would want that too , and here I am worrying about a bloody grown up

Depends if you can afford it really.

Sadly all of the great experiences that make your CV glow and help you 'find yourself' and put things into perspective are restricted to people with money.

You won't find many working class kids building an orphanage in India or teaching English to refugees in Lebanon- they'll all be back home manning the checkouts at Tescos saving up to go back to uni.

If you think it's something worthwhile (and I would say the events that I have described are, alongside something like Camp America)- then I think if you could afford it, but you choose not to just to 'teach her the value of money', then yeah you would be letting her down imo. She seems like a lovely grounded girl and a valuable experience like that will not turn her into a spoiled brat overnight like some MNs will have you believe.