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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

would you report any of this as csa?

27 replies

birthmom161 · 18/07/2012 16:48

well you have 2 sons. Situation is you've found out that your sons have had an incestuous relationship for years. They are both in their teens. You adopted them. One has a past of being this way he had when he was a 4 year old done unappropiate things with girls that were 8 and 12. This boy still acjnowledges it as not his fault as he feels he was too young. He's been neglected and abandoned much of his life it seems he just wants attention to please his brother. His brother also has sexual abuse and physical abuse in the past. His stepfather physically abused him and addicted to heroin and sold him for drugs... He has a violent past in his days in hs. He's been arrested a few times and has a drug addiction. He's an older teen now and in college. Their family was never a normal one beforehand... And they also sometimes fight. Was it wrong to get them therapy instead of reporting it or what? Also after this the younger boy gets into more trouble with a girl. He's highly bullied and teased at school he's like gay/trans to them. And it doesn't go well. He is sort of like forced into a relationship with this girl. She bullies him into it and he feels he has to date her and she harrasses him sexually as well. To the point he felt at 16 he had to have sex with her even though he didn't want to... So he does but she didn't respect his boundaries with sex. He said he felt like he was sexually assaulted. Anyway he continues to see her and he ends up physically assaulting her. So she presses charges for the physical abuse.and he's told us everything that happened. But he's mostly mistrusting of me and dh because of the past again I don't feel really this is sa either just a bit of miscommunication. If you were in a similar situation what would you do?

Btw I have a daughter a bio daughter that has been through an assault with a person of authority and I have always took her side and supported her through everything. It's just here I don't see it the same. As my daughter was 16 and the bastard older than myself. This time there's only a 2 year difference. She was mean but idk how a report can be filed against her. Advice?

OP posts:

Original poster

birthmom161 · 18/07/2012 16:52

am I doing the right or wrong thing?

OP posts:

MothershipG · 18/07/2012 17:04

BirthMom I found your post extremely hard to follow and really don't have the experience to offer any advice except to say that I really don't think you want to be posting such complex and sensitive problems in AIBU, where things often descend into a bun fight.

I'd suggest you contact admin and ask them to move the thread.

Original poster

birthmom161 · 18/07/2012 17:09

to what section? I'm sorry I'm new I just came for this situation... What section is appropriate?

OP posts:

Tiptoptoe · 18/07/2012 17:11

One has a past of being this way he had when he was a 4 year old done unappropiate things with girls that were 8 and 12. This boy still acjnowledges it as not his fault as he feels he was too young.

If I am understanding this correctly then no, the boy was certainly not at fault at age 4 and I should jolly well hope he doesnt see it as his fault. I hope nobody is trying to get him to take responsibility for it!

The rest Im afraid I cannot comment on as I couldnt really make head nor tail.

Original poster

birthmom161 · 18/07/2012 17:11

and what's hard to follow I'm sorry if I made it too complicated...

OP posts:

Original poster

birthmom161 · 18/07/2012 17:17

maybe ethical section is better?

OP posts:

MadamFolly · 18/07/2012 17:18

Maybe get this moved to relationships? Or Teenagers.

AIBU is not really the place for this and I'm sorry but I have no idea of what to suggest. :(

Vagaceratops · 18/07/2012 17:19

Do you mean SS rather than the CSA?

Olympia2012 · 18/07/2012 17:19

Read it back birthmom, it's a bit jumbled

Perhaps edit and re post in 'relationships' section?

phantomnamechanger · 18/07/2012 17:21

if this is a genuine problem you have come to the wrong place.

very odd first post and very odd way of posting/telling your story/asking for help

Original poster

birthmom161 · 18/07/2012 17:22

what's SS and I didn't know there was a teenager section will do

OP posts:

overmydeadbody · 18/07/2012 17:22

I'm not sure why you would report it to the CSA? Isn't that the child support agency, for absent parents to pay maintenance through? OR did you mean social services? Or does csa stand for something else?

Not really understanding your post though.

Cabrinha · 18/07/2012 17:25

I'm guessing the poster is American - CSA is an acronym used there for Child Sexual Abuse.
OP, do you have access to a social worker, as an adoptive parent? You need help, and your adopted sons need help.

Cabrinha · 18/07/2012 17:26

OP, in the UK, SS means Social Services. It's the government body that manages adoption, and abuse situations.

Imnotaslimjim · 18/07/2012 17:28

I think I've got it. What a tough situation you're all in

A boy was sexually abused at 4 years old, and from that has gone on to have a sexual relationship with his adopted brother?

As well as having a forced sexual relationship with a young girl at school. He's had enough of that relationship and the power she held on him so hit her, and she got him done for assault?

And you want to know if they need reporting or if they need help?? I would say the latter, for both of them. The relationship between them is not appropriate, but they will have turned to each other as they'll feel they can only trust each other

So no, don't report it, not in the sense you are thinking. But I would be asking for help from someone, maybe your social worker to start with

Cabrinha · 18/07/2012 17:32

I'm amazed that 2 boys with such complex pasts were placed with one family. Doesn't help the OP now, but that sounds very hard. Whether abusive or not, it really sounds like it's inappropriate. These boys sound like they need professional help to learn how to recognise and develop appropriate relationships. I really think that speaking to professionals is the answer, not posting on an Internet forum that you don't know well.
You have my sympathy, it sounds very hard for you.

Original poster

birthmom161 · 18/07/2012 17:32

ok I moved it. So you don't think counseling is just needed... I just thought it would be easiest now I feel like he's just not owning up to his mistakes at the same time I know it wasn't easy in his situation. Thanks for the advice in section to put this

OP posts:

whois · 18/07/2012 17:34

Hard to follow and not sure exactly what you're asking, but it all sounds pretty terrible and like everyone concerned needs help!

Cabrinha · 18/07/2012 17:35

Right, I'm finding your post hard to follow, but re-reading...
This boy had sex with a girl when he didn't want to. He says he feels it was assault. You say you're not so sure it was sexual abuse because he was close in age. Please read this carefully: IT WAS ASSAULT. He didn't want sex, he feels he was assaulted. It isn't what YOU feel. Please treat him the same way you did his sister - acknowledge the abuse, and support him through it.

MammaTJ · 18/07/2012 17:36

One has a past of being this way he had when he was a 4 year old done unappropiate things with girls that were 8 and 12. This boy still acknowledges it as not his fault as he feels he was too young

I can't say I blame him for feeling he is not to blame here. They were 2 and 3 times his age, and you feel he should take responsibility? He did not do inappropriate things with them!! They did inapporopriate things with him!!

Cabrinha · 18/07/2012 17:36

What mistake is he supposed to be owning up to? Hitting her?

Original poster

birthmom161 · 18/07/2012 17:38

yea they have had counseling for that. He acts though as if I didn't do enough why he didn't trust with this.

OP posts:

Original poster

birthmom161 · 18/07/2012 17:39

yea that's what I meant for the physical assault.

OP posts:

MNHQ

RowanMumsnet · 18/07/2012 18:53

Hi there

We've moved this to 'Teenagers' at the OP's request.

Thanks
MNHQ

Original poster

birthmom161 · 18/07/2012 19:13

thanks

OP posts:

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