up to date advice for DD re physical intimacy with her boyfriend?

[wrathomum]

DD's relationship with her BF of seven months is more openly physical than it used to be. Although I've had a couple of chats with her about waiting till she feels ready, being sure that BF is really special to her, never doing anything in the hope of hanging on to a waning relationship, really trusting him, realising that when they break up it will be all the harder if they've been very intimate with each other, it's fine to enjoy being physical if you're both sure of it and it's fine to not do much either, being discreet etc I've recently been made aware (see previous threads) that young people go about things a bit differently from when I was young due to the easy availability of porn. I feel I should try now to tailor my next chat to the times we're living in (and all that). Or am I way off the mark?

Hmmm. I must be "way of the mark".

I don't want to be like my mum (who I loved dearly) but was completely (blissfully) unaware of what I was up to and consequently gave irrelevant advice which made me think she didn't know anything about anything worth knowing IYSWIM

i'd tell her life isn't a porn movie, and she shouldn't do things just becuase people go at it like that on the telly.

get her on the pill - get condoms etc.

you sound like a good mum

You don't say how old she is, OP, as that would make some difference to what you say.

I have an almost 17 yr DD with 16 yr old bf of nearly 10 months now. We have had a few chats about some aspects of physical relationships in which I have pointed out to her that many teenagers "knowledge" of sex comes from unrealistic porn etc and is not based on real relationships.

I have told her to ignore peer pressure ( she has one friend who is repeatedly telling her that there must be something wrong with her bf because they have been together for 10 months and not had sex yet and that it is not a "real" relationship!), and that the only right time to have sex is when they are both ready and feel it is the right step forward for both of them. BF seems to be in no hurry and is apparently happy with the way things are- in practical terms since they are both boarders, even though they have some opportunity for privacy at his and her homes, they have had no real opportunity anyway.

I encouraged by DD to think ahead about contraception and she went to GP and got the pill- sadly really didn't agree with her after 2 months it had a terrible hormonal effect on her so she stopped taking it- so she could try it for a while without worrying about whether it was working or not. So she is having a break and will try another brand or patch next month.

My key messages have been that a) communication with bf is the key- if you don't want to do something/ it doesn't feel right then you explain that and why. If someone really loves/cares about you, they will understand and it is your body and only you can decide how anyone else touches it etc.

b) Don't listen to the "playground" bragging- most of it will be fiction.

c) whatever happens- if anything goes wrong ( ie possible contraceptive failure, soreness of whatever) she/they can come to me and I will not judge- just help them sort it out.

If you are already talking a bit about it, sounds like you are doing a great job anyway!

Thankyou for sharing your situation, schoolchauffeur and for your kind words custardo. I'm not at all sure that NOT making it difficult for DD and her BF to be physical is the right way to go, although I've been liberal about the amount of privacy I've let them have. I don't want her to get into a physical relationship as a way of rebelling, so I've told her that I don't have any moral objections to having a sexual relationship at her age (she's nearly, but not quite 16) and that she should only do what she's happy with etc and of course, there's absolutely nothing wrong with just hand holding - plenty of time for more when she's older. I wouldn't want her to feel guilty about being intimate if she enjoys it but has the impression from society in general,( for want of a better phrase) that sexual behaviour is wrong at this age. My hope is that whatever she's actually up to, she's happy about because she enjoys it, and she's not doing things just to feel grown up, but I do worry that I'm making it TOO easy. It's very difficult to find a balance isn't it?

Wrathomum firstly well done, i work as a sex educator and rarely find parents so willing to talk to their children about these things at such detail. I don't think you are way off the mark, whilst expressions of sex (especially with availability of porn) may change over time the basic human desires are the same.

Like you say it is very difficult to find a balance. It is worth making sure your DS knows the legal situation, as the law can become unflexable in imposing life long records for actions taken under 16. It is rare for the police to prosecute unless they suspect people being forced/coerced. If she is close to 16 giving her the details now can save her from potential problems in the future.

As an adult i have given up on trying to be 100% relevant to young people, no matter how hard I try I will never appear relevant to teenagers, but that doesn't mean i have to be clueless. The internet is full of information about sex and you can always find an answer if you look. If you just want to have a rough look at some attitudes/concerns about sexual information this website you may find informative, maybe amusing or horrifying
midwestteensexshow.com/
Its an attempt at sexual education humour by some Americans. I have heard of parents watching some of the episodes with their DS/DD and using it as a spring board into conversation. Only you can judge if you think it might work with your daughter but if she laughs at the jokes she may pick up useful information and it might reinforce the idea that YOU are a good source of information/advice.

Hope this helps, forgive me if the link causes offence

Thankyou so much.
DD's nearly 16 - BF 18 later this month.
I suspect they are engaging in sexual behaviour. I don't know the full extent.
I needed to use DD's mobile and saw a text from BF, "Maybe I need a spanking" but I don't know the context (might well have been metaphorical) and I was mortified at my inability to resist the temptation to read it.

I've heard that loads of boys ask girls to do things that seem at best unpleasant to me and just do more 'stuff' than I knew about till much older.
Sadly I don't think this boy is good for DD - he's by no means horrendous, but there are various things (eg, he seems to have NO close friends) and it's definitely him who calls the shots. Unfortunately she knows I have reservations about him so I'm desperate to avoid making him seem even more appealing as a means of rebellion and have let her stay over at his a couple of times and him stay over with her a couple of times.
A few months ago she told me she thought it's only (her version of) 'chavs' who have sex at a young age, but now she's really interested in having nice undies and wearing them when she's with him.....
I've always taken the line that sex is a lovely thing IN THE RIGHT CIRCUMSTANCES ONLY. Some people will be ready or interested before other people in the same way that babies get their first teeth at different ages, girls begin their periods at different ages etc, ie being physically intimate doesn't make you superior to couples who aren't.
I really want her to be safe, HAPPY and continue with all her other pursuits. We talk about a lot of things, but only up to a point....