Help me work out options for risk-taking DS(17), please.

[flow4]

My eldest DS17 has gone astray, and I am trying not to panic. :(

He has always been risk-taking, challenging and rebellious; but now he's older, the territory he's in is so much scarier and more dangerous, and the stakes are so much higher. His decision-making has always been a bit dodgy because he's impulsive and thrill-seeking, but now it seems to be to have gone seriously wrong, because he's hanging round with people whose morals and values are pretty shaky, and drinking and taking drugs that mean he does stupid things before he thinks to stop himself.

Over the past 6-8 months, he has - stolen significant amounts of money from me; got more heavily into drugs he just dabbled in previously; sold most of his possessions and a couple of mine; been arrested 3 times; been charged and reprimanded/warned for criminal damage, assault (on me) and burglary (stealing an ex-friend's phone from her house). Last weekend he was at a party with two people who had (allegedly) just murdered someone and almost-murdered another, gone home to get changed, and then turned up at the party - a dodgier-than-dodgy situation that fills me with horror and fear. :( :(

Underneath all this shit, there still is a boy who knows right from wrong, and is looking for some direction. He (generally) comes in on time and (sometimes, if I pay him) helps with chores. People occasionally still tell me how charming and polite he is . He knows he doesn't want to mess up his life, but laziness and complacency currently 'win' whenever he needs to make more than the smallest bit of effort.

He doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. He didn't get thrown out of school and he has 5 GCSEs including his English and Maths, and a level 1 NVQ in bricklaying. He has (he thinks) decided he doesn't want to do construction or join the army. He has very recently mentioned a career in media or (after his arrest last weekend) law! But he won't actually make any choices, and he hasn't enrolled for anything... He's just hanging round, smoking dope, being bored, and doing nothing...

He isn't in jail or on probation (and never has been), hasn't had an ASBO and doesn't actually reach the 'threshold' for any intervention from the Youth Offending Team...

I really, really, really want to help him 'break the cycle' of bad choices, bad company and dossing... But I just don't know how.

At the moment, I think my only practical options are -
A) To hang on in there and keep him living with me at home, trying to minimise the trouble he gets into and not have a nervous breakdown, or
B) Admit defeat and throw him out - but that would inevitably push him more into situations I'm trying to keep him away from :(

Some other things are NOT currently options -
W) 'Cracking down on him' (He is bigger and stronger than me, and can only be persuaded to do things, not 'made')
X) Joining the army (He has rejected this - one of the people he's hanging around with has just been thrown out of the army and is very negative about it)
Y) Volunteering abroad (He has rejected 'working for nothing', no schemes will take under 18s, and anyway, he isn't mature and responsible enough right now)
Z) Sending him to live with a family member far away (I haven't got any. And his father moved abroad and is rarely in touch)

Can anyone think of anything else that IS an option, please?

Schemes for kids who have gone off the rails? Boarding schools that offer full /big bursaries? (my income is under £20K) Kind fools who live in the Outer Hebrides and take in waifs and strays? Anything?

get him on a tall ships race, or program.

for you but no real ideas. If he was younger I'd say move yourself and him to the Outer Hebrides.

You can't throw him out I think it will make him worse. Think a nice girlfriend will sort him out but you can't really help him with that one.

Can you get him to sign up for a college course - find out what is available locally. Usually you can do A levels with 5 gcse's or a mix with something vocational - a media or law Btec? perhaps. See what he might like and call the college to see what vacancies are left. Offer to travel to college with him but wait outside to make sure he goes in. I did this with my youngest brother who was going off the rails (pretended the college booklet had been put through the door and that I was surprised by what was available nowadays etc)

My brother stuck his course in games design and met a girl and a new crowd - his course along with a part time shop job kept him too busy to get up to so much mischief. He decided not to go into computing but got a carpentry apprenticeship and is now (10 years on) mostly an upright and law abiding citizen. Let him know it's not the end of the world if he makes a wrong choice.

Good luck - it's so hard when teens become neet's

quoteunquote I don't know anything about that... Can you tell me any more, please?

jane I have done pretty much that. I actually delivered him to the inside of the connexions office ... I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

I agree about the girlfriend Green. I'm keeping my fingers crossed about that, too.

Secrets, I have spent a lot of time thinking about moving, and haven't quite ruled it out; but it isn't straightforward, because my youngest son's dad lives in our area (less than half a mile away) and they have a close relationship I couldn't/wouldn't want to mess up; plus my friends and support are here - I can't imagine how I'd cope if I was dealing with even a quarter of this in a new place where I knew no-one :(

Any more ideas, please?

I am not sure about college I think they just want money I think an apprenticeship is. Better option, at least he will get a bit of money.

Pay for him to have driving lessons with a good instructor. You can't take dope and drive.

Driving is motivating because they begin to see what a difference a nice (expensive) car can make to your life.

It's much much easier to ask girls out if you've got a car. You can just offer them lifts and then....the rest follows... And it makes you popular, with male and female friends. And grown-up

Or have a look at CSV.

tallships.org/

You need to get him out of his environment, far far away, somewhere he can reinvent himself.

www.sailtraininginternational.org/

www.dublintallships.ie/

I used to work in the Probation offices and the officer I worked for said there are three things needed to bring a boy back from the brink:

• a physical job where he's working for men
• enough money to go out for a drink and
• a girlfriend

If he has the girlfriend, he separates from earlier bad influences. If he likes his job he won't want to cause the men to think he's an idiot (ie by committing crimes.) If he's got a physical job he's knackered at the end of the day and will just see his girlfriend rather than go out looking for trouble.

He needs older men in his life who he can look up to. I'm not saying this doesn't happen if there is a father figure, but it's often something that is missing.

Have you seen [http://www.princes-trust.org.uk/need_help/courses_map.aspx this at The Prince's Trust?]]

Arrgh sorry.

this at The Prince's Trust.

I so agree with the need to reinvent himself/

(ex-wayward teen here)

I absolutely agree with those three things. The trouble is, they simply aren't available for most 17yo boys in our area right now.

• There are few jobs, unless you have personal connections - and I don't. And there are far fewer physical jobs anyway (don't get me started on how shit the move to the 'service industry' is for boys! )
• They therefore don't have money for a drink - but they're not allowed in pubs anyway (SUCH a mistake, I think, not to let young people have a pint in the company of adults)
• The nice girls don't want a boy with no job and no money

Driving lessons are a good idea sum... And thanks for all the links, quote and imperial - I'll look at them in the morning...

worked wonders for the self-esteem of ds1...and netted him a girl...

What happens if the boy is gay? Does the "find yourself a boyfriend" apply too?

Yes, of course it does, Witco. However, the OP has talked about her son's girlfriends in the past, so it would be making a point simply to make a point to suggest he might want a boyfriend.

whenI was drifting (not off rails, just not prepared to get a job) my mum said that from 1 septmeber I needed to start paying rent, or be in full time education.

I don't know if that would work, but might it make him make a decision about work or study?

good luck

Actually a 16 or 17 year old can have a pint in a pub if they are having a meal and the drink is bought by somone over 18.

The driving lessons are a good idea as is an aprenticeship, I also agree with charging him rent.

Thanks all. But those suggestions are still all option A (i.e. hang on in there, have him at home and try not to have a nervous breakdown)... I'm still hoping someone else has some options C, D, E etc... :)

I agree with you imperialbl etcher, however boys under eighteen will not be allowed on a building site. My son has been really looking and applying for jobs mainly manual ones and they all see he us too young there are so many health and safety laws now.

I also think they should be allowed in pubs otherwise they just hang around the local park or go to parties where drink is never measured out just gulped down. At least in a pub there is a few adults to keep an eye on things.

Unless you have rich parents,learning to drive us too expensive if you do not have a job.