Should my 17 yr old son tell me where he is at night?

[NessaV]

My 17 year old son is quite a reasonable well adjusted teenager but he doesn't like to tell me where he's going at night. If he's going to a party he's never exact about the address or name. I give him a lot of trust but last week he was out in another town to gone 3am with his mobile switched off. Big question - am I being unreasonable wanting him to - let me know where he is / whether he's in for tea / be contactable. He knows I'm not checking up on him I just worry about what happens if I need to contact him or if there's an accident. He's one of 4 sons and we have had life threatening illnesses and accidents etc in the past so am I a nervous Mum? Single Mum, divorced, but on good terms with Dad.

Yes, he absolutely should!

DS2 is 17, and although he is allowed a fair amount of freedom, the only stipulation that I have is that I know where he is and I have an address, mobile number and landline number for him - and he has to have his phone with him, turned on and charged up.

If he's not telling you about this, then I would be very nervous about what he's doing and what he's up to. (Not that me knowing where my son is will be stopping him doing anything, but you know what I mean!)

There's also nothing wrong with checking up on him either, if you feel the need to - although he doesn't need to know that!

yes absolutely. being out till 3am with his phone off is not acceptable for a 17 yr old and since he has now done this it gives you even more reason for him telling you where he is.

Mine does, and so does DD when she's home from uni.

He should tell you out of courtesy if nothing else. My 16yr old (dd) is allowed to stay out but we always get an address/postcode from her. She used to be quite secretive but once she realised that we weren't going to show up and drag her away by her ear she doesn't mind letting us know now. It's for her own safety if there's an emergency.

If Dh and I are going out, we tell our DCs where we are going, and roughly what time we will be back. We expect the same courtesy from them.

Of course you're not. You'd do the same if you went out wouldn't you? I know if I'm going out or if DH is going out, we tell each other where we are. It should make any difference that he's 17.

Having his phone switched off is not on either.

Oh, and our DS2 knows that he has to be home by 11.30. I would not be happy if he was roaming around at 3 o'clock in the morning.

Yes, of course.
My 19 year old still tells me where he is going.
It is a safety issue.
And his phone should not be switched off.

He would be in a whole heap of shit. As would I if I went out and didn't tell anyone how to contact me. If it were me I would point out how bloody childish he is being.

I was living on my own when I was 17 (complicated family stuff) but ended up back with my Mum when I was 18. Obviously after being independent for a year there weren't going to be any curfews imposed but I always let my Mum know where I was (roughly) and if I was going to be home or not. It's not so much a matter of keeping tabs, it's common courtesy really, and I still did it until I left home in my 20s. They'd do the same! I don't know about postcodes and landline numbers as much as always having mobile on and answering it, but I might feel differently in a couple of years when I'm facing this with DS1.

Mine lets me know where he is,and roughly when he will be back..and he is 19. There are times when I can't get hold of him..and that invariably means his phone is dead or he has lost it! Generally on a thursday night as it's cheap drinks night in the next town

If has plannend to come home then decides to stay at his mates he always rings.
DD1 is 20 and she also still rings/texts just so I don't worry.. so yes I would expect it as common courtesy!

Yes he should let you know where he is, both for his safety and to show consideration for you as his Mum. It's very hard however to make them do something that they don't feel prepared to do.All you can do is reiterate that it's in his interests in case of an emergency. Ask him how he would feel if you became unreachable.

I think his phone should always be turned on, but I can imagine if he has a romantic tryst he won't want his mum phoning halfway through.

It depends on what he's doing until that time. My son would come home late but he hadn't been out drinking; he'd just been at a friend's house watching films and would then saunter home. His phone would be on.

I don't think 17 year olds realise how worrying it is when you can't get hold of someone. He can do his best though and try to make your life easier.

Is he going to university soon? It's easier not knowing when they're out late when they are actually living away from home.

of course

if he is living under your roof, he has a responsibility to put your mind at rest

well I'm going against the grain a bit.... I don't think he should necessarily tell you where he exactly is, or keep his phone on at all times either.

Out of courtesy he would say...." I'm out tonight- I'll make my own way home don't worry about tea". but exactly where he is no. In a yr or so he might go to uni leave home and then you wont know where he is for weeks at a time!

As for keeping his phone on at all times.... what if he is having fun with his friends or with a girlfriend.... I can imagine why he might turn it off. It wasn't that long ago that we didn't have mobile phones at all and we survived. But then I am a complete luddite anyway and only have a mobile to use when I'm at work so I don't get the whole mobile phone thing anyway

I also have a 17 yo DS and he doesn't tell me where he is going, either. I don't expect him to. I expect him to let me know roughly what time he's going to be in and to always take his key with him. I would be cross if he stayed out all night without letting me know and he tells me if he's going to a party or just to a friend's house. I don't need to know the ins and outs of his life now. My job as a parent is to make him independent.

Yes he should, The rules we had with our DDs when they were 17 was to let us know where they were going and if they were going to be late homeor decided to sleep at a friends then they were suppossed to text us. In fact it's a rule for the family we always tel DD3 where we are going and when we will be back and we expect her to do the same and she's 20. DD2 does the same when she's home.

Re phone turned on - I'm not sure it's necessary at all times but if he hasn't been in touch and hasn't come home or texted then I worry. On Saturday morning I thought he was camping but actually he had given up on that and gone to his Dad's flat during the early hours. Neither his Dad nor me knew he was asleep in the flat when a fire started in the kitchen of the cafe below the flat. Cue fire engine, ambulance, street closed, flat evacuation etc. THEN he phoned to tell me where he was. Fortunately just minor fire and no one hurt or damage done but DS got my point big style.

Our ds tells us the basics, ie which town he's going to and whether just a pub, club, party or whatever but I wouldn't expect the full postal address and landline - he'll be 18 in 2 months.

He does let me know if he's staying over, as a courtesy so I bolt the front door.

I'd never phone him when he's out with his mates but will occasionally text eg if I realise he's left his keys at home to let him know I've hidden a spare or whatever.

We expect our 18 year old son to let us know where he is and when he expects to be back as I think it's a courtesy if nothing else. We have no time limits/curfew but he knows that the right to his freedom comes with the responsibility of keeping us informed. At lunchtime today he told us he was going to his girlfriend's (actually he asked if it was OK) and that he would be back either tomorrow evening or monday morning but would let us know. He's going to a party in a field on wednesday and knows that he can either camp out there or ring for a lift home but he won't be picked up after midnight.

If DH is going out I expect the same from him and vice versa - once he's at uni and living elsewhere that's fine but while he is living here we expect to be informed and he doesn't have a problem with it.

Yes, and I continued to do so when I was at home in the university holidays.

I'm 44 and have been married 22 years. My Dad still worries if he knows we are traveling a long way.

The weather was absolutely awful traveling to the airport for our holiday, so I rang to say hi when we got there. He may have forgot we were going, but if not he would have been thinking of us.

Used to annoy me slightly as a teen because I knew he'd worry if I was late back (mobile were years away), but was often very useful for escaping some of my BFriends wilder schemes.