Totally at sea with teenage daughter

[SpringFlowers]

Although I not new to MN I am new to the teenage area. I have three children including a 13 year old dd who we find challenging and difficult. I think that we are really not 'on it' at all and our understanding of what it is like to be a teen is poor. We were teens of course (and I was awful) however, I feel like an old lady and I really can't remember enough. I don't feel like I know what is 'normal' and 'expected' and what is not. Nor do I feel well equipped to deal with the constant arguing, challenging, nastiness etc. I think that we probably need to get educated on teen life pretty quick and develop strategies to keep sane. Can anyone offer any words of wisdom?

The best advice I had was 'ignore the attitude and praise the action'. Not easy, but you need to stop paying attention to the nastiness, eye rolls, etc. If she does her homework, comes home on time, does what you ask, then praise her.

Don't get into arguments, just ignore her if she is not polite/reasonable. Easier said than done, I know. OK I do lose my rag sometimes, I'm only human. Still, I strive for ignoring rather than arguments.

Does your DD have friends over.
Comparison with other teenagers her age,and talks to the parents of them can be eye opening.
Also,a bit of volunteering at the school with anything will also help you to see things better.

When my first child was born I was 37 and had never held a baby before.
Every stage of parenting is new for the first child. You learn as you go along, the rules change. Parenting techniques that worked with a 3 year old are no good with a ten year old. Don't be influenced by stereotypical tales of teenagers. They are no more accurate than the ones about babies or toddlers.
You have to make allowances for them growing up. Read thread from this page. It describes lots of things you are meeting fr the first time.
I don't think it matters that you don't remember what teenagers do. It'll be different now and teenagers think everyone over 20 is ancient.

I have found this book useful and reassuring :) It's the only useful teen-parenting book I've ever come across: the others all seem to be totally deluded suggest that you can train a teen like a dog, which in my experience you just can't.

I have 3 DDs the youngest is now 20. I found one of the best things is to pick your battles. Also try and keep calm even when they are shouting which I know is difficult but if you shout they just get loader and you'll end up with a screaming match.

flow - I have that book, it has been quite useful.
The part about picking your battles is hard to learn, especially if you have younger children and a strict routine. Friends of mine with younger children think I am too tolerant of some things. For example DS1 has just finished his GCSEs after a long period of hard work and is home for 8 weeks over the summer. I turn a blind eye to his unsociable hours. If he stays up until 2am it's really not important. I'd rather lay the law down on things that matter.

I find the unsocial hours thing hardest of all to deal with, Squirrels. I know what time my son comes in (usually) and I know what time he goes to his room (mostly) but I have no idea what time he sleeps... However he often makes noise at night, and seems to do that even when he is asleep (because I have frequently gone up to tell him to be quiet to find him snoring in front of a left-on telly with the dog prowling restlessly round his room) :( SO I am frequently disturbed at 2 or 3 or 4 or even 5am, and then need to get up at 7am to get myself to work and my younger son to school. I am as sleep deprived as I was when he was a baby/toddler, and a whole lot more stressed!

As with many teen-conflict situations, there doesn't seem to be any choice about 'tolerating' it, and staying as calm as possible in the face of something you don't like but can't change :(

Offer to give lifts in the car to her and her friends and keep mousily quiet. They'll soon forget you're there and chat away (while you listen intently).

I found that too, flow. My children have left home now but I still have disturbed nights when they come home. The worst was when my daughter would say she'd be home on the last bus and then I'd get a phone call saying she was waiting for a taxi, etc - she'd keep up this running commentary every bloody hour and by the time she came home I'd be so stressed I'd be fuming. And then I couldn't sleep and I'd hear her sleeping and get so angry. I sympathise with you!