Talking to teenagers about drugs when you have experimented yourself

[coribells]

I am wondering how I a going to approach this issue with my sons. As they approach the teenage years how will I reconcile teaching about the dangers of drug taking when I experimented myself in my 20s. I was never a serious user. I tried E, LSD , smoked dope for a while. I havent had any serious side effects and I enjoyed the experiment. I am well aware though that drugs can and do destroy lives
I dont think the 'just say no' approach will work, and its pretty hypocrytical of me anyway.. How have other who have experimented in their youth tackled this subject.?

I believe in telling my children the truth. So when my eldest asked me about my own drug use - he was about 11 - I told him. I have smoked a bit of cannabis in my time, and enjoyed it, and I tried to give him a balanced view. I told him I had been 14 when I first smoked dope, that I had smoked frequently in my 20s, and that I might still, if someone offered me a spliff at a party. His first reaction was frankly startling: he freaked out completely and was incredibly distressed: his 'drugs education' at junior school had taught him that 'drugs kill' and 'you'll go to prison' - so he was sure I would die or be arrested imminently. He was basically too young to understand.

About a year later (though I didn't know this at the time) he was offered a spliff himself, and smoked some. By 13, he was smoking skunk whenever it was offered to him. By 15 he was smoking it almost-daily and had tried other things. Now he's 17 and he smokes skunk most days and takes M-CAT (and probably other stuff) when it's available.

I have talked to him about it countless times over the years. His response has been basically "Well, you started at about the same age" and "You did it, so you can't complain". He used what I told him as an 'excuse' in his own mind... Differences that feel quite crucial to me - particularly that I smoked someone's big brother's home-grown a couple of times between 14 and 16, while he smokes chemically modified 20-times stronger skunk daily - are irrelevant to him. :(

He doesn't see his drug use as problematic (and he hangs around with people who use far more) but I do... I see him 'switching his brain off' before he's properly learned to switch it on, and I worry... He is now doing nothing (not in education, not in work) and has stolen to get money for drugs (cannabis and M-CAT) and smashed things up and assaulted me when he's been coming down :( Basically, I think he started experimenting when he was too young to know his limits, and when the excitement was far more significant that any possible risks :(

So... It is the only lie I've ever wished I had told. If I had that moment again, I think I would duck the question, or even say "Me? Drugs? No, of course not!" I think I would be very tempted to keep the subject taboo until he was old enough to understand the risks as well as the glamour.

Strangely had this conversation with my daughter yesterday, she shares a flat with a friend who is heavily into drugs and is not happy with friends behaviour. We discussed the issue, my daughter knows I used to smoke cannabis when young but she doesn't touch the stuff. She also was close to a friend of mine who killed himself because of drugs a few years ago, this I think frightened her so much she is very anti drugs.

My son on the other hand has tried this and that, he too was very half hearted about it and has since stopped. They both say my own experiences, which we discussed openly, meant they felt they didn't feel the need to experiment because a) if their mum had done it then it can't be that 'cool' and b) experience of losing a dear friend from 'harder' drugs was very frightening for them.

A very personal experience for us I know but I feel all families should openly discuss these issues, and the dangers associated with them, so that teenagers feel they can confide openly without fear of a shouting match! Actually, with my son I know it was peer pressure that led him to experiment and being able to talk this through with me helped him to understand the particular dangers for him., both emotional and physical.

By talking openly about 'age appropriate' issues with our kids from an early age we opened those channels of communications which has encouraged them to feel they can now discuss anything with us.

But very difficult when teens think they know it all!

MMP, My DH was a very small time dealer in school (homegrown weed) and we both took a lot of E, coke, speed and we very into the dance scene....so I have no idea what to tell my children.

I have had a friends: die of an OD, another a paranoid schizo in and out of facilities, another is a functioning alcoholic. I and DH are both "high flyers" and knew our limits.

'You did it'

Er yes, but it doesn't mean it was right. There was no chance of it ending up on a CRB check if I want to be a nurse/Dr/teacher/care worker / working on a Saturday in the Games workshop.

Also you knew what you were getting - OK E can be a bit iffy but generally you knew what you were doing and how much you were taking.

Cori

for you too

Yes I did it. I did this much, at this age, it made me feel X.

Was it a good idea?

Do I know anyone who ruined their life? Anyone who dies because of it.

Don't do it, but if you do here is how to be safe with X,Y,Z

If you wake up in hospital be honest about what you have taken.

If you come home high, tell me.

I can't remember exactly but I think my mum said "No of course I've never taken drugs" until I was older and understood more and then admitted she used to smoke cannabis. But then she went on to tell some awful tales about people she used to know who started on cannabis and went on to other stuff and either ruined their lives or died young. I think it was the way she spoke about these people who were her friends and I could tell she'd have felt really hurt and let down if I'd done the same thing which was what stopped me, although I have done a couple of things occasionally. She always said she didn't mind if we experimented but to be careful it didn't ever even get near being an important part of our lives, because that's where the trouble starts.

If you are going to be honest enough to tell them what you did, you also need to be honest enough to tell them that it was stupid and that you could have died.

If ds asks his dad he will have to tell him that he did and survive- but he will also make sure to tell him that his friend, who did the same level of social smoking, killed himself after the onset of schizophrenia which he believed was triggered by cannabis use. And that there is no knowing whether ds would be his dad or the friend.

Also that there are added dangers these days: a lot of the stuff is more dangerous and, as sashh points out, even a very minor drug offence could scupper your career plans forever.

Flow4 - I have just posted about my son dabbling in cannabis for the last 3 years and I am worried my son could end up like yours.

When you look back is there anything you could have done to stop it? I do know some kids are hell bent on self destruction but some have too much money and too much freedom when kind of enables them to become addicted.

I am adamant my son is not going to become seriously addicted to anything while he is under 18 and living in my house. My sister was heavily addicted to most drugs and is now a severe alcoholic so I have seen it all and I do not have a relaxed attitude to drugs.

It amazes me that some parents only find out about their children's drug use after they have been doing it for a few years.

I have a friend whose son is 14 and she lets him smoke cannabis in her cellar - she does this in the hope he won't turn to alcohol as her mum and sister are alcoholics!!! I don't know what planet she lives on.