My 12 year old daughter is facing problem with her friends, need advice pls..

[Sonya73]

Hello everyone, my 12 yr old daughter is having some problems with her friends, they boss her around, get upset with her on every little thing. Today she was crying in the car, weather was awful i had to drop her to school, but my girl was sulking inside and saying my friends will not talk to her because they will say she has ditched her because she came in a car where as every day they all walk together.I felt so bad for her, till now i am thinking about my daughter because she said mum they will not talk to her all day and at lunch time she will be left alone :( i wish i could help her. Is anyone has had such experiences, what should i do as a parent??

Can't you let her walk? This was sort of the case at my high school. The traveling to and fro was when we talked and laughed and it did strengthen friendships as we were having an hour and a half of quality time together five days a week. The girls who were dropped at the gate were not getting that so they would be more left out.

Thanks Savoy today it was raining thats why i dropped her to school, usually they all walk together everyday. What i am thinking is why can they not understand if weather is bad circumstances could be different. I definitely agree when they walk together they do get quality time together, if my daughter gets few minutes late to reach her friends house who she walks with she starts screaming at my daughter why r u late and blah blah, my daughter never complains but now she has, she tells me how difficult her friends are :(

I'm sorry your dd is having such a hard time. Unfortunately teen girls are well-known for being nasty, bitchy etc. My own dd has experienced this sort of thing many times.

If this behaviour has been going on for some time, then I think that would count as bullying and you would be able to enlist the school's help in dealing with it. My dc's school is terrific at dealing with all this stuff. You may find though that different girls get picked on at different times, and don't be surprised if you find out that your own dd can be involved in this sometimes. Often there seems to be one 'queen bee' who calls the shots, and the other girls are keen to keep her on side.

In the long term could you encourage your dd to try to become less dependent on this particular set of girls? Maybe to try and develop some new friendships so that she has other people to hang out with at break. Or try out a lunchtime club at school? Go to the school library?

Also talk to your dd lots - this sort of thing can be damaging to self-esteem and self-confidence, so try to boost hers.

I hope things improve for your dd. Try not to worry too much, it is sadly all just a part of growing up.

Teenage girls and the never ending cycle of best friends/worst enemies - it's really tiring... My DD (14) seems to be totally caught up in the whirlwind of falling out and making up, not helped by ongoing contact out of school with them by FB and text (argh!) I have yet to find a solution, other than to offer lots of hugs and reassurance, and encouraging her to keep talking to me, about feelings as well as the he said/she said stuff. Funnily enough, they're nice girls she's friends with, I think it's part of the teenage condition to bicker...

However, do you know if this is an ongoing thing? I guess what I'm trying to say, without wanting to alarm you, is whether it's stemming from something specific, or, haven forbid, whether it's bullying? I do think, to a greater or lesser degree, that they have to work out how to deal with friendships and disagreements for themselves, but as a parent, we need to be alert for it going from a falling out with friends, to a more serious concern.

Try the school? When DD was really fed up I spoke with her Head of Year who seemed to have an extraordinary knowledge of her friendship group and the falling outs therein. Also, I don't think it does school any harm to have a head-up, just so they can be a bit aware.

Not sure if you're collecting her after school, or if she'll be walking, but maybe a small treat or just some time together after school, so she can offload if she needs to, and also so she feels loved and valued by you?

It's a horrible feeling, knowing that they're hurting and feeling helpless to do anything about it. The most important thing is that you're aware of it, and she clearly trusts you enough to talk to you about it. That on it's own is a big thing! Try not to worry (if that's remotely possible!)

Both of my DDs went through this. It's some sort of control thing that girls of that age try to exert, normally over the "weakest link" and you'll probably find that there's one girl influencing the rest. Sadly yes it IS all part of growing up and the only way to stop it is for your DD to stand up to them and tell them where to get off (in an appropriate fashion) when they have a go at her.
It's not pleasant I know....

Thank you all FFSIvehadenoughofthisnow,GilbGeekette and bobs your replies really have lifted some burden off my chest. I do agree it is all a part of growing up, and my daughter has to learn to stand for herself and be less dependent on her friends all the time..she is a sensitive girl, finds it hard, but i believe she has to change herself little bit.

Thanks for the chat... my dd has been having issues, probably not too bad so far and i thought she could cope. However today was a particularly bad day... hope it works out for all..

I think it is a really good idea to have some interest outside school, preferably with people who don't even go to your school. Also do encourage your DD to get involved with school activities and make new friends at school.

As Bobs says, this seems to happen all too often and it's very stressful for everyone. My DD went through it as well about 18 months ago.

Yes, to some extent the girls have to stand up for themselves, but I found that there was a point where we had to step in and help. My DD had confronted the worst offenders, but it was really hard for her and didn't make any difference. Deep down she felt betrayed and didn't understand what was going on, her overall confidence, not to mention her schoolwork, was really starting to suffer. The final straw came when, in front of a whole group of people, they said "We're really sorry, we gave you a chance to be our friend but it hasn't worked out and so it's better for you if we stop trying." This was from people she'd known from Junior school, had done sleepovers and parties with etc etc etc.

Although some may be mature enough to take this sort of thing on, not every girl knows how to stand up for themselves against a group, however strong they may be. Just because they are no longer in primary school, doesn't mean that they are grown up enough to handle these things and it isn't a fault or a flaw on their behalf if it's hard.

The thing to remember is that this is bullying. It may not be physical, but it is bullying none the less.

Anyway. I emailed the deputy head of the school, detailed exactly what was going on and asked if she could help. She rang me back almost immediately and talked through the whole thing. She made it very clear the school had zero tolerence of this behaviour and she would act on it.

She did, with a vengence. First of all she confronted the whole group of girls who were causing the problem individually, and made it clear that the behaviour was unacceptable and threatened the ringleaders with expulsion. OK there was fall out from this, but it was all out in the open ... "we only said that to help you, it's not fair that we are being blamed etc etc etc", but DD just shrugged and told them that she didn't see it that way. Interestingly, once other form groups found out what was going on, lots of them all rallied around DD, which totally shocked her ... but she realised that other people didn't like this crew either and that gave her tremendous comfort. The fact that she had the support of the staff and she knew that she wasn't alone in school or being stupid but was being taken seriously was fantastic for her.

Within 24 hours we met the deputy head together and she suggested that if DD wanted to move form groups she could, and she was able to choose which group she joined.

She hasn't looked back since. It took a little while for her confidence to return completely, but it has. She has a new group of really nice friends now, her work is better than it has been for years and she is really happy. Interestingly, the girls who gave her a problem now talk to her quite happily again when their paths cross, though you wouldn't call them close friends.

So ... my advice would be to talk to the school if this goes on any longer. It needn't lead to drastic measures if that's not right for your DD ... but I believe very strongly that it can help a lot.

Hope things get better for her vvv soon.

My daughter is 12 and I bought this book below after she had some difficult friendship issues. (Although annoyingly American), the advice is invaluable for girls young and old on coping with different types of friendship issues, including being left out, bullying, peer pressure. It describes how to recognise a good friend and be a true friend yourself. It is written in a very readable format with lots of colour, pictures, and examples of real situations. My daughter is avidly reading it and I hope it will set her up for life and I'd recommend it to all :)

A Smart Girl's Guide to Friendship Troubles: Dealing with Fights, Being Left Out & the Whole Popularity Thing by Patti Kelley Criswell

Ah, well as an American myself that shouldn't be a problem.
Am going thru something like this with 10yo DD. Every day is a new soap opera.

Just another "it's normal and this too will pass" .

DD1 (nearly 19 now) missed all this as she lives on her own happy planetLOL she was welded in her friendship group early on and they pretty much stuck for ever.

Dd2 (13) is in the midst of it all. However she is very mature for her age and is therefore not wanting to engage in the "bitching for fun" aspect of friendships that seems to be the thing. She floats on the outside of friendship groups and is quite lonely I fear. Her recent birthday- invited 8 to the cinema, 4 said yes, 3 came was pretty typical. Then the real bu**eration was that having restricted numbers to 8 because I said so a girl she is sort of friends with got the hump and got her mum to withdraw a lift DD has sometimes when raining to a music lesson a few doors down from ner house! (THe lift was offered and arranged by the girls etc, not me and I appreciate it was v kind but it was like mum was backing up the really quite inappropriate hump that the girl was taking!).

DD doesn't know I know but her reply to this girl on facebook messaging (yes I keep an eye- I wouldn't have know any of this happened otherwise and didn't mention it to DD) made me sniffle with pride she said things like " sorry I hurt your feelings by not inviting you, my mum said only 8 and it was difficult to choose.... I would have asked you if I'd have known the others wouldn't be able to come.... don't worry about the lift.... I could do with more exercise anyway so I can be better at PE"... I don't think we should fall out over this at all" etc etc

In the end she showed that to her Mum and the lift was re instated but really!

This all seems so familiar to me. Am experiencing it with dd1, and most of it to come with dd2. My sympathies to all.

One thing someone said to me which I think is bearing out for my dd1 is that they will go through lots of friendships in first couple of years at secondary but will all settle down in Yr 9 and the friends she has then would be the ones for keeps?

I have given my DD a few tips like smile at everyone, talk to everyone you can, never talk about girls behind their backs as it will get back, never fight fire with fire.

If your DD is mature enough talk to her about the pyschology of it all. How these girls want to be queen bee, want to be seen as the most popular but we are not all like that.

My DD had trouble with a girl as DD didnt invite this girl to her 13th birthday. This girl was quite nasty and was prolonging it for DD. i said we wont fight fire with fire and soon after DD's it was this girl's birthday. I said to DD we would get her a card and a bar of chocolate. DD gave it to her and the girl hugged DD and has been really nice to her ever since!!