my dd's horrible girlfriend

[cory280280]

I am having a lot of problems with my 15 year olds girlfriend. He went out with her last year for 3 months and then I caught her on facebook saying things to him like 'i wish i could go and get raped just to get your attention etc'. She has a bad relationship with her mother and hates her sister, her sister seems to get all the attention as she is a dancer and gets lots of money and attention lavished on her. She kept on at him every single day to come down and see her which in turn made him lash out at me because i said no. she lives 10 miles away so i would need to take him. school nights are a complete no no. i made him dump her in Nov and everything was fine until last week. i found out he was seeing her again and i told him to stop it. yesterday he said he was going out with his friends which was fine, but then his friends called for him and i said hes supposed to be out with you and they said they hadnt seen him. i asked him who he was with when he came home and he said them whicj obv i knew was a lie. i got it out of him that she had got the bus down and they were in an abandoned factroy for 2 hours. i was so cross with him and confiscated his phone, ipod and xbox and grounded him. i read his phone and there are messages saying that she hates me and his sister (who he is very close to) and he is just going along with this. she is trying to turn him against us. i dont know what to do now. should i let him still speak to her knowing that these things are being said and hope they break up evenually or should i keep him in and confiscate his things for ages? i am at my wits end with him. any help is much appreciated.

sorry the threads supposed to read ds's lol, my heads pickled today!

Oh dear, she sounds charming....

But "making your child dump a girlfriend" is never going to work, if anything it will make her more attractive (forbidden fruit?).
As you can see this has resulted in him lying to you.

You need to get back on track with him communication-wise and have a sit down with him and ask what attracts him to her and have a talk about respect for other people (hers).

You also need to lay down firm rules about not being his taxi driver etc. for his social life. At 15 he needs to put school first.

Have you had the contraception talk with him? Don't be afraid to be blunt about the results of teenage fatherhood etc.

I'm a single mum of a now - thankfully - 20-year-old and there have been a few wobbles but it's so important to keep the lines of communication open.

I've been lucky in that his few girlfriends till now have been lovely.

Good luck.

hi there, yea i just didnt know what else to do. he went out with a girl after her and she was ok but it fizzled out.
i sit down with him constantly, maybe a bit too much lol because nothing gets resolved, he always ends up shouting at me and he says i irritate him and he doesnt like talking to me.
i have had the contraception talk a few times with him from the age of 13 so im not worried about that avenue, we are very open about that in the house with him and his sister who is 13. even in messages to her he has talked about contraception but i know nothings happened yet.
i dont know how to communicate with him. should i just give him all his stuff back and refuse to take him to see her but he can speak to her and hope it dies away or what?
im trying to get in contact with her mum to have a chat with her about what shes been saying. but tbh i dont think she will be of much help, she doesnt seem to keep an eye on where she is.
its so frustrating and i a feel like im going to crack up at times!

If you keep banning him from seeing her, you're playing into her hands. Make her welcome in your living room.

when they were going out before i had her round for dinner a few times. she sat at the table and told my son he was forbidden to go to the army which he has wanted to do since he was younger and still wants to do and he just agreed with her. i was very nice to her and i was round at her mums house for a party one night as well. its behind closed doors she is trying to poison his mind about his family. she got it into her head the last time when i said he could see her once a week at the weekends that i hated her because i wouldnt let him come down more. i have tried.

She's not trying to poison his mind, she's an unstable fifteen year old. A child. I don't really blame her for not wanting someone she loves in the army, who wants a boyfriend who might get shot at daily?

By seeing her as the demonspawn she really isn't, you are injecting a lot of thrilling drama into a situation that thrives on drama. Cut the drama from your end, and this might just fizzle out, but please bear in mind that you're walking a fine line with confiscation and grounding a fifteen year old, because in less than a year he will be old enough to leave home and have a baby, and his girlfriend sounds like just the sort of girl that such a decision would appeal to

yea maybe i should have her round or even say to him that he can see her but only if she comes to our house. i know that the 2 of them lie in her bedroom unsupervised if he goes to hers and im not happy about that. do you think i should have a word with her mum about the rape comment etc though? i really think that is abnormal for someone to say something like that. my dd has a boyfriend and they have been going out for 5 months now and they are respectful of each other and are lovely together. they never give any grief and have consideration for us.

she sounds a nightmare although as you said the sister gets all the attention, I think the drama comment for colditz is spot on if mum banns him will be like star crossed lovers etc let it fizzle out it will he will get bored of her (hopefully) don't say no you are not seeing her because she is a nightmare say you can't go because of something else, not much advice sorry but teens can be very dramtic

aye he thinks she is the be all and end all of his world as i know all teens do with their girlf/boyfriends. i think i will maybe tell him hes grounded until end of july anyway as hes away to army camp nxt week for a fortnight so it will really only be 2 weeks, which is his punishment for lying to me so much. then invite her down. he will be away to the army next year in sept so hopefully it will have fizzled out by then. he doesnt seem to get why the things she says is wrong though, thats what worries me. he says she doesnt mean it like that etc etc.
thanks for everyones replies and if theres anymore advice I am eager to hear it lol.

For goodness sake, most teenagers 'hate' their parents and would allow their girlfriend to slag them off for not giving them lifts to places! You sound like a controlling nutter!

Enjoy him while you've got him, because very soon he'll be able to leave home and do whatever he likes, and with an attitude like yours he's unlikely to visit you often.

Instead of punishing him for lying, you should be asking yourself why he feels the need to lie to you. If he'd gone out without your permission, or stayed out too late I'd understand your point, but you were OK with him going out, you just aren't happy about who he is with. What gives you the right to police his friends?

Don't get me wrong, she doesn't sound like someone I'd want my son to be with either, but there's only so much you can control.

they would probably have lost interest in each other AGES ago if you hadn't MADE him break up with her, in their eyes you are turning them into romeo and juliet! if you leave them be they'll be bored senseless of each other soon!

fairyfriend, i am by no means a controlling nutter, hes still a child and if you dont take an interest in who they go out with i feel its irresponsible. just my opinion. i dont have trouble with my daughter who is very open and also has a boyfriend. she has never slagged me off for not being able to give her lifts anywhere. i do understand they are all different but i dont think its my attitude, i usually have a great relationship with my children. i think the rape comments etc from this girl are completely unacceptable, maybe you think its normal for a teen girl to say things like this but i certainly dont. thats the only reason i get involved, its not the type of person i am. monkeymoma, yes you are probably right. i think i will stand by what i said before and invite her down to the house and they can see each other but as long as they are here until i can trust him again. hopefully it will pass over and i will be laughing about it with him next year lol.

Tennagers say all sorts of things. I would leave it. And so what they are in each other's rooms? Unless she is a lot younger than him. Is she a lot younger than him?

I would encourage them to make the frequent, complicated and time-consuming arrangements to see each other.

well she could get the bus here so that wouldnt be a problem. and no she is the same age as him but i still def wouldnt allow them in the bedroom on their own with the door shut. think i got that advice reading someone elses post on here as well. its just recipe for disaster i think. im not going to encourage that at this age, yes of course it will happen eventually but im not going to give them free will to do it at this age. i just worry about him and he changes so much when hes with her, not in a good way. guess i will just have to let it fizz out in its own time.

Have you talked to him about love, sex, career ambition and contraception?

He will be away in the army next year you say ? Army camp for a fortnight next week ? You are enabling him and encouraging him to do this - to go into a real big boys world and even possibly very dangerous situations. Yet you are trying to stop him from seeing one particular ( albeit highly strung - but arent most of them ) 15 yr old girl in order to 'protect' your 'child'.

Jeez - dont you think your 'child' needs to learn to make decisions for himself regarding his own welfare etc. before he ventures into that world. I know which one l would be fretting about the most.

Yes I have spoken to him about all that stuff. He's in the cadets and has always wanted to join the army. Whether I like it or not I have to accept that. I will support him whatever he decides. Just had a chat with him and he's happy about the agreement we have came to. Thanks for the replies. Much appreciated.

You sound like you are trying to control his relationship, cory, and you simply don't stand a chance! As you have discovered, your son has already learned to tell you what you want to hear (pretending he has dumped her), while carrying on doing exactly what he wants to do (seeing her). If you carry on trying to control him like this, he will lie to you more, and rebel, and perhaps start to resent you, and ultimately cut you off from his life :(

You simply do not and should not get a say in who he goes out with... Just like you said about his wish to join the army, whether you like her or not you have to accept her.

You don't have to like her: it's his relationship, not yours.