16yr old son with no friends

[sunflower1973]

Hi everyone,
Never posted a message before so forgive me if I ramble on! My problem is my son. He has a group of friends at school but rarely gets asked to go out with them at wkends etc. he's just had his prom which he was invited or lumped in with the crowd to share a bus to venue. Seemed to getting on with everyone ok but once they were all inside venue the group he was with split up and he ended up feeling like he was just tagging on to people. Wasn't encouraged to dance etc He wasn't asked to go to after prom party so got taxi home alone. He has joined cadets and loves it, plays in school band but just can't seem to make friends outside. He gets on really well with adults is clever, articulate,sarcastic. He just can't seem to find people on his level. He does come across a bit uptight and cool towards people but who wasn't unsure of themselves at that age? having been knocked back or ignored by his so called mates seems unwilling to try to make friends with people at cadets. He's due to start college in sept and I've told him he'll make new friends there and the fact that his school mates ignore him prove they're no friend to him, i think he should delete them frim his phone etc and focus on sept I keep trying to suggest he text cadet 'mates' but he comes back with excuses as to why he shouldn't.
He seems happy in himself and is happy to come out with me but I feel he should have proper mates his own .age. Do I just leave things as they are and hope things will work out.it breaks my heart to think his school friends are prob busy planning loads over the summer without him. To make matters worse he sees his younger brother off out with mates, texting a d chatting on Xbox live.

Oh I feel for you. I would feel the same. It's a hard part of being a parent when you can't just put things right for them.
Some people don't make a lot of friends until well into adulthood, my DH was like that (still is actually). It doesn't sound as though your son is actually unhappy though. Is he? If not then perhaps a new group at 6th form will be what he needs. The fact that they tend to specialise at A level may mean that he meets more like minded people?
It's a long drag until September though and my DS has a good group of friends but they aren't exactly planning a raft of activities, so your Ds might not be missing as much as you think.

hey there. i recognise alot in your post which reminds me of my own DS. He's 14 and whilst seems to have a group of mates in school he very rarely does much outside of school with them or with anyone really. Its not as if he's bothered tho...seems he can take it or leave it really. Sometimes he gets asked to do stuff, sometimes he doesnt. Sometimes that bothers him and sometimes it doesnt. But i think alot of the time actually the reason he gets overlooked when his 'friends' plan things is because he turns down their invitations alot - something i find incredibly frustrating, so they think whats the point in asking him. Or he'll go out and then return very shortly claiming its 'boring'. TBH i think it actually bothers ME and his dad more than him that he has a practically none exsistent social life. Altho i was never Miss Popular or anything both myself and my DH both had a large group of friends growing up and i look back fondly at the things i did, memories i made and experiences i had and find myself almost pitying my DS for not doing the same. Again like your DS he has a younger brother who could not be more different...always on Facebook, out with friends, chatting on Xbox, constantly being invited to sleepovers etc (other DS has NEVER been to a friends house to sleep), just really really popular. I think the only time if affects eldest DS is when he looks at his younger brother and thinks 'thats normal' or 'perhaps i should be like that'. Then it can upset him. But it upsets him not because he's unhappy but because he feels different and therefore not 'normal'. What i am learning to do as his mum is to never try to compare him - altho it is hard i am getting better! - with myself as a teenager, his brother or his friends. And just accept that he is who he is and as long as he's happy and a good person then who am i to question how he lives his life. Im sure your DS just like mine, will grow into a lovely young man, happy in their own skin and confident in doing their own thing...not conforming to what their peers are up to. Hope this helps x

My DB was just like this and Mum worried endlessly about him. When he went away to uni he made friends and was fine, although he still enjoys his own company.

Is this more common than we realise maybe? I have a 14 almost 15 yr old dd and she is almost identical to your ds 4boyzmum. Its only from reading Mumsnet that I have lately stopped worrying about her. She genuinely loves being at home, pottering in her room,on her laptop,watching tv or whatever. She often turns down invites to do stuff with friends and I think they have got a bit fed up with this and dont ask her so much now.But it bothers me more than her I think.She is also very shy and I feel that being at home a lot is certainly not helping, but at this age I cant force her.
She has no interest in facebook,sports etc but is getting on ok at school and quite enjoys it I think.I am not going to worry anymore-still encourage her to get in touch with friends but not worry if she chooses not to.

Thanks for all your replies. It's a comfort to know other people have gone through similar with their kids, you always think it's just you going through stuff like this and that everyone lives in a social whirlwind. I do wonder if he's just out grown his school 'friends' if you can call them that. It's hard to tell if he's happy or not as he keeps his feelings to himself mostly. But he did come to me about what was happening so am very grateful for that:)

agree that this type of situation is where mumsnet is invaluable, and so I now worry less about my DS1! Same story, he seems a nice boy but refuses invitations and so the world moves on without him also has a younger brother who is always with friends sleepovers etc... I'm concerned he is missing out, but try not to show it, and don't compare with DS2 (tho DS2 does sometimes comment )
However I was like this until about 16, and even now, although I have a job which is very people-orienated and a large circle of friends, I am quite solitary by inclination, and often secretly pleased when social events are cancelled

Another one here with a DS with practically no social life .

Couple of friends who he sees sometimes ( they come here so not exactly entering the big bad world ) and that's about it .

He goes to a very quiet physically isolated college ,comes home weekends .
No social life there .

I think he is beginning to worry about his social life in future if his 2 friends go off to uni .

But he seems too lazy/unmotivated to do much about it .

And spends too much time on line gaming

I honestly can't see him changing and picture him like this when he's in his thirties .

I've got one of these too. He's 19 now and back from uni for the summer. He's waiting around for someone from his old group of pals to call him to do something - it's going to be a very long boring summer break! My ds is very unsporty and not at all "laddish" unlike his 17 yr old brother who's the opposite and is never at home.

He changed schools at sixth form and his social life definately picked up a bit (even got a girlfriend for a while). He's got lots of friends at uni, he seems to get on better with girls than the laddish lads. My ds was also in the cadets and didn't really socialise with them outside much, but did enjoy the activities etc, which kept him busy.

He is a lovely, generally happy lad and has never caused me any trouble. Like your ds he is quite happy to hang out with us sometimes, but also spends a lot of time in his room.

Try not to worry about your ds too much (although it still bugs me when I think everyone is out living-it-up and my ds isn't). I've had some issues with ds2 and his unambitious, smoking, drinking mates and it's a relief not to have two like that!

Thanks parttimeslave ( like the name ) .

Yes I do remind myself that I'm lucky he's not drinking/taking drugs etc .

Guess there's always something to worry about when you have DC !

Similar here. My 13 year old ds has AS/ADHD which makes him loud, cocky, silly and irritating, so people of his age generally don't like being around him much. He gets on better with adults but he craves the company of other teens just to hang out with, but the kids he knows don't feel the same.

He has been home educated for over three years but had no friends while at school. He has a few social acquaintances now in the HE circle and some at drama and karate groups, but none of them are proper friends. He has two boys he'd call friends and one of those is emigrating in two weeks. He is one of the few people who accept ds for who he is without judging.

I find it very upsetting that it's unlikely to be just 'a teenage phase' he's going through and it might be like this for him all his life, without true friends and relationships. I worry that he won't understand what genuine friendship is because he's never had it and thinks that the people he hangs out with occasionally are friends. He doesn't know that the arrange to meet up together without him and I fear he's becoming increasingly isolated.

I'm hanging my hopes on him finding his niche when he goes to college but there's a long three years to get through till then .

Another worrying parent here. I have double the worry as I have a very shy 16 yo ds who has long standing school friends, but rarely sees them outside school, and often it is just one person who comes round and will play wargames with ds. Ds spends all his time either on the computer or wargaming. He has 2 months free ahead of him, and I can't see him getting out or doing anything apart from the gaming. It is heart-rending.

Then I have 12 yo dd who is coming to the end of her first year of secondary and still has not made any friends, despite desperately wanting to. I have no idea why she can't find a best friend. I know I am her mother and would say this, but she is delightful, full of fun, clever but not swotty, talented, but she has been without a special friend for nearly 3 years now.

It breaks my heart seeing or hearing about others kids with their hectic social lives. Dd would love that. Ds is not so bothered, but I feel he needs some social interaction as I worry about him being a reclusive weirdo when he is an adult.

That said, I have 2 other boys, one 9 and one 14 and, although they have lots of friends, neither of them see their friends outside school. On the one hand, I feel proud that my children all enjoy spending time with each other, but on the other hand, I worry that I have made them too tight a unit and something in them pushes potential friends away from them.

Isnt it strange that some kids are like this? I too have a very chatty lad with AS who doesnt really have any friends-12 yrs of age and a big lad who really doesnt want to be going to the cinema/swimming etc with his mum during the summer holidays.. It breaks my heart also to see groups of his classmates going to cinema /town etc.
I also have a dd 15 who doesnt have much of a social life.She doesnt like sport and will only go to cinema etc very occasionally with friends but only if they get in touch with her first. Myself and dh were never like this at that age. Mumsnet has made me realise that we are not the only ones so I tend not to worry as much now.

My ds (aged 15) has been like this forever never had friends he would invite over and the one time i did he just left them and did his own thing he is a drummer in a band went to scouts etc but seems happy in his own company
My other son (aged 16) has loads of friends and a different party to go to each weekend

I dont stress i figure if they are happy so am i

'He's due to start college in sept and I've told him he'll make new friends there '

I am sure he will. I have been here as well with a teenage son who isn't very at ease socially. Gentle parental support and encouragement do make a difference, but without obvious (if you can help it) anxiety. My son has grown in confidence this last year (he is 15.5 now). He does now engage in more social activities.

I think quite a few children and teenagers are like this, tbh, at least for a time. Even my extrovert daughter has periods of saying she hasn't got a best friend or close group, and she is always at parties. It is far from being unusual.

Do you see friends yourself, OP? I think setting an example helps, too.

I was similar at that age. If he's happy enough then what's the problem? Actually even now in my 30s I don't have what you'd probably consider a 'social life' (not entirely sure what one is!), but I have a couple of friends who I see now and then and am happily married and hoping to start a family, so don't really feel I am missing out on much.

Some people are just independently-minded and prefer their own company and doing their own thing rather than going around in a big crowd of 'friends' all the time.

Actually I always got on better with 'adults' as well, but that isn't necessarily a problem, because eventually you become an adult yourself! I think the way the school system groups everyone by age for some reason sets up the expectation that your friends have to be people the same age as you, but as you get older you find that's not the case.

Perhaps he is in some ways more mature than his peers at the moment?

I have a teenage DD and a younger DS and both have a very small number of friends. I have worried about this in the past, but I think its just the way they are and the way many people are if truth be told. I've had several discussions about friends with both my children and realise now that they both take being a friend very seriously, as in if they are friends with someone, they are close friends, no silly fallings out, no off-on friendships, no bitching, no arguments. For my DD in particular this is a very different way of treating friends from lots of her peer group and this has meant that she calls a very small group of people friends, gets on fine with most people just doesn't call them friends. She does a lot of activities, music, drama etc. but has made no close friends at these activities, but still enjoys them.

I think many people (and I reckon facebook has a lot to do with this) judge people by the quantity of so-called friends, rather than the quality. Of course the social butterflies are always the most in your face and noticeable, but I'm pretty sure that in the background are hundreds of teenagers, just muddling on through sometimes with no close friends, sometimes with friends. From what people have told me better friends are made from 16 to 18, in sixth form or at college, and this is what I remember as well. As long as your child feels happy within themselves, I don't think there's a need to worry.

My DB was just the same when we were growing up. I was very sociable (just one year older than him) and he used to stay home nearly all the time - I used to think he was a right sad case

He came out of himself a little bit in the 6th form and even got a girlfriend......that he saw about once a fortnight (think he took her to the museum or something similar - I despaired!).

He improved a lot at uni and now is just the most charming, outgoing, sociable chap - still happy to be home alone with his family too I think but lots of friends and a great job etc.

So maybe 15-16 year old boys are just like this. My dnephew (son of same DB) seems to be the same........

can I join in? Yes another one here exactly the same. This topic comes up now and again and I'm alway glad my dearest ds is not the only one.

Sunflower thanks you for rasiing this - it is so reassuring to know there seem to be a lot of us in this position and is does help not to feel alone!

My db was the same. We think he is a bit AS, along the spectrum but not enough to be a major problem. It just took him longer to find his place in life and make friends. I don't think he could cope with the uncertainty of teen boy friendships, so he kept a distance. Large groups with uncertain and fluid dynamics were difficult for him.

He was better once at Uni where he could work out the boundaries with a small group of friends. He's absolutely fine, married and happy now. Very happy. They are a very close couple.

Please be supportive of him - I had no friends at that age and my mum always mocked me for being a loner. Even little jibes can stay with you at that age.

I think a lot of kids like this really blossom at university - is he planning on going?

Yellow raincoat - yes. I still remember being hurt at 13 when my dad asked me why I had no friends - he could have been more sensitive - have never confided since in him. Ironically, DB, whom they were pleased had loads of freinds, and compared to me so that I felt pretty wretched and inadequate has since has mental health issues, and is far more screwed up than me in middle-age...
At DS1's (day) school, they have a tutor system, and 2 or three DC from each year group with the tutor, the idea being that they meet each day in a 'family' group with older and younger 'siblings' and can discuss in a low key, unpressured way, stuff they dont want to with their family - (wish I had had that!) DS1's tutor tells us he is animated, funny, relaxed with the others in his tutor group , so we trust the tutor to keep a weather eye, and, as has he has far more experience than us wth adolescents, to spot if there is any problem and to have sensitive and diplomatic ways of dealing with it...