Finding the balance-long post I'm sorry!

[GuiltyMumOf2]

Hi. This issue feels enormous and crushing to me, I'm having trouble thinking straight around it, so I'm going to dive in and tell you all the history and what I'm stressing about!

I have DD (now17) and a DS (now13). DD was very ill a couple of years ago, for well over a year. Ambulances were an almost daily occurrence, lots of time in hospitals and fighting doctors who (it seemed to me) didn't care about what was happening to us and appointments up in London. DD was 14 when this started, DS was 10. He was fantastic during the whole thing. He coped with being called out of class at random times so someone could bring him to me at the hospital, he coped with being picked up by friends because I'd had to go with DD in an ambulance, he stood on the curb to wave to the ambulance so many times. This went on through his last year at primary and first year at secondary.

I spent all of the two years fighting for DD, and terrified that we were going to lose her. We became very home centred, we couldn't leave DD alone in case anything happened and didn't leave DD and DS for any time at all because, at a time when I think we would normally have been starting to.

Incredibly (as it still feels) medication solved everything, just over a year ago and we're pretty much back to normality. I've become more aware though since the crisis has been over, the huge impact of everything on DS and I want to compensate! He went through a period of being very withdrawn and very depressed-seeming. I resigned my teaching job and went back to 9-3 hours so I could be at home after school with them, and it has made a huge difference to him. Things are much better than they were!

But - I never want to leave him alone in the house. If he has gone out to do something, that's fine, but if it's a case of OH & I going out and leaving DS or both of them, I just don't want to. I don't want DS to think he is second priority to ANYTHING. And, crucially, those two years made me face the reality that you never know when this is your last chance to be there for your DCs. When it comes down to it, I might want to go out with a friend or whatever, but I don't want to do that more than I want to spend time with DS. Something said at work yesterday though has thrown me into a tail spin. Am I being selfish? Should I be giving him more independence? I want to do the right thing, and I don't want him to feel chlostrophobic at home.

Any thoughts from anyone would be great. I can't talk to anyone in real life about this, everyone has a axe to grind!

Sorry you,ve had such an awful time of it, and I'm so glad that your DD is better now. It sounds like what you're feeling is a completely natural reaction to what you've been through, and you have nothing to feel guilty for - you battled for your DD when she needed you, and as a family you survived intact. You should feel very proud!

Your DS sounds amazing, what a little star for coping the way he has. I can understand you feeling that you don't want to leave him, and that you want to spend all your time with him.

But I'm sure that when you were going through the hard times, all you really wanted was for DC to live normal, happy and healthy lives. Your DS is 13 and is probably fine spending most of his time with you at the moment, but he is growing up and at some stage will want to assert his independence, like all teenagers do. If you try to stifle this you may end up pushing him away.

If you aren't able to leave him at home he may feel that you don't trust him, and come to resent you. Although its hard for you, you may have to grit your teeth and do what is best for your DS - just as you did for your DD.

I'm not sure this is helpful but I wish you all the luck, you sound like a fantastic mum!!

What a horrible, difficult time you have all had! I'm glad things are so much better now :)

Your reaction is perfectly understandable, buuuuut.... Your son absolutely needs to be distancing himself and growing away from you some time in the next few years. He'll quite possibly do this later than 'average' because of what you've all been through. But he might do it soon: my teenage son told me - in a lucid, articulate moment when I asked him why he thought he was being so horrible - "I know I'm going to lose you at some point, so I suppose I might as well get it over with".

You might all benefit from some family counselling, but I'd say it would definitely be a very good idea for you. You are going to find it soooo hard when your children start to break away from you - your daughter as well as your son. And really, since I'm sure you don't want your daughter's whole life to be defined by her illness, you need to be prepared for some other, more 'normal' teenage traumas with her, too - from them both And because of what you've been through, you may well need extra support with it all :)

Sounds like it's still all too fresh for you .

Can't add to the helpful advice above but wanted to say ,be kind to yourself ,give yourself space and time .
Maybe tell DD and DS how you're feeling ?

Thanks folks. Maybe I'm over thinking the whole thing, DS is only 13 after all. The funny thing is, DD being the one who was ill is confident, secure, independent and in fact applying for foreign au pair jobs after sixth form. I think that getting through the illness showed her what she is capable of, and gave us a very strong relationship and trust. It's DS who I think has suffered more in the long run, having spent all that time both worrying about his sister and seeing her being our focus. I want to get the balance right, of him feeling secure and safe, but free to grow up too. I just don't know how to know what the right balance is!

Have you asked him how he feels? You do let him go out and give him independence that way so you're clearly not stifling him completey?

I agree to family therapy may be good for all of you.

To be honest, I'm not a believer in the therapy route, I'm more of a practical solutions person. DS hasn't complained about anything, it's just me worrying ATM. Trying to spot a problem before its a crisis...