Son left his Blackberry unlocked ...

[Eloisa]

... and I couldn't resist having a little look. He is almost 14 years old and has always been a model child - never given us a moment's grief. However, I am shocked to discover he has a Twitter account we did not know about on which he is having a nasty (public) argument with a fellow classmate. I have never heard him swear but he is using bad language in his Blackberry messages and, even worse, is making derogatory comments about girls.

I realise I am being naive but I'm totally shocked. I scrolled back over the past nine months messages - the Twitter account and change of tone in his messages seems to have started around four months ago which is about the same time he started hanging around with a particular boy in his class - not making excuses for his behaviour but that could be a factor. We always thought he was very individual and, up until now, he's never followed the crowd or buckled under peer pressure, he was always very confident and well balanced - wondering how he is suddenly like a stranger and we did not notice!
What to do? I plan to make him delete the Twitter account but should I also tell him I have read his messages and do not like the tone he uses - or is that taking things a step too far? I am very tempted not to renew his Blackberry add-on for a few months. Husband away so have no one to run this through with.
Any advice / views would be much appreciated. :)

I don't think you should be invading his privacy that way given that he is not doing anythng illegal.

Agree with happycamel

Never read their phones

It is always a bad idea.

I know that others will disagree and shout invasion of privacy but.... he is 13 and a child. You are responsible and I would have no hesitation in telling him that you have read the stuff and it has to stop.
He has been using a social medium that simply didn't exist when we were young and there was no one giving him guidance on there so it's not surprising that he thought it was ok to use such a tone and language. No doubt he wouldn't dream of speaking to you like that.
It's an age when they do start to want some privacy.
I have said to my DS2 that I must have his passwords and that I don't intend to look at his FB but I reserve the right to check it if I want to. He should be happy for me or his friend's parents to see whatever he writes or says online.
I don't spy on him but once in a while I do just have a look.

What's to stop him starting up a fresh Twitter account? I think a whole lot more of our teens are not the lily white kids we like to think they are. I know both of mine have confessed to things that make my eyes bleed now they are older and do you know what? They both regret a lot of those things now but at the time, as teens, they thought it was a cooler than cool way to behave. Age has given them a wisdom that all my parenting could never have given them at the time.

i think its perfectly reasonable to snoop

that said - i think sexist comments and swearing are not a slippery road to doom.

that its such a shock to you should be some indication that you have a good kid

don't look for fights - i promise in about 6 months they will come

I doubt there is a teenager in the land who behaves with his/her friends as s/he behaves with his/her parents. If "has always been a model child - never given us a moment's grief" and you have no complaints from school or neighbours or anyone else, then ignore what you've seen. But from now on, you will bear in mind that he's not always as angelic as you thought... It's a poignant moment I think: the beginning of the end of your son's childhood...

Don't say a word, just set up your own twitter account (obviously not in your name) and follow him. If you see a message you don't like answer with something about it being rude, or 'do you kiss your mother with that mouth' or whatever.

your son is a child invasion of privacy or not its our job to keep him safe so PFFT
when dd1 was 13 it was msn and bebo i looked i also checked phones with dd2 its all facebook twitter and smartphones i check I don't care.
I overlook the swearing and language tbh I know its a bit shocking that they speak like that but we have to accept it, is the twitter fight escalating maybe you need to tell him to stop arguing over the internet and speak to him about his behaviour, dont mention the swearing. but online bullying is rife with teenagers its awful do keep an eye on him.

Your ds is 13 you are the adult. He is writing inappropriate comments for anyone to see he needs to understand what he has written is unacceptable so talk to him about it. Today's kids need to understand that there are consequences to their actions.

Get on twitter, find him, follow him.

He'll probably shit himself.

But I agree, don't go through his phone again.

Twitter is the in thing, my DS set up an account without saying anything and I found out by "accident". I think the thing to do is to casually drop in the conversation something like "are any of your friends on Twitter...what kind of things do thaye say, who do they follow" etc etc and also have a word about foul language and the fact that people make assumptions about you on the basis of what and how you say things and employers and uni admissions people regularly assess people's online presence these days and may come to a negative conclusion.

He may not fess up after such a conversation but it may make him think. I think we need to accept that we have very few reference points from our own teenage years to guide us in how to deal with stuff like this. maybe forgetting to renew the BB add on for a month may also help . But I would agree with those who have said you cannot confront him head on based on your initial breach of his privacy - only if he was i n some trouble or danger would that be justified IMO

I reckon most teens behave and speak differently with their peers than with their parents.

I like the idea of following his tweets and picking up on anything really bad.

I'm in the snoopers camp and have no qualms about checking up on my DS (similar age to yours), he is a child and I am his parent and will keep tabs on him for his own protection. I wouldn't necessarily admit to him that I do this though.

Thanks everyone for your comments / advice; after reading them I decided to ignore the Blackberry messages but felt I had no choice but to confront him about the Twitter comments. I didn't want the ongoing argument to be seen by his school's staff, or his grandparents come to think of it! I made out I was looking for his older sister's twitter comments and his came up in the search results (being the same surname). I told him calmly that he must think before he writes anything on-line as it is there for all to see. He blushed pink and said he was going to delete the comments and his account straight away - which he did and I didn't even have to ask him to do so.

I feel it turned out well in the end as I tried not to invade his privacy too much but at the same time made him think about what he does on the internet.
Thanks again everyone :)