Urgent Help needed

[indypop]

Firstly - hi there. I have a biggie to get sorted (or at least get some clarity) on by 3.30 to do with my step daughters cousin who we have had staying with us a few days.
Step daughter moved in with us 9 months ago having been living with her grandmother who was an alcoholic. SD wasnt attending school and in 9 months we have helped her turn her life around. She is now in school full time and even recently won awards at school for her work. She is 15.
Last weekend she was contacted by her femail cousin (15 also although 16 in a few weeks). She has been in a relationship with a 15 year old boy for 2 years and he is very physical with her. Recently he broke her nose after an argument. Her mum is very ill and her step father is also very unwell so her mother told her that if she went to see her bf again she wasnt to come back. This was said by someone who is a wonderful mother who was just at the end of her tether. She has begged and pleaded with the bfs mother not to let her D stay there but they are a waste of space (drug and alcohol issues, single parent, dealing to subsidise her use) and they let her move in with them.
Her mother asked my sd to try and talk to her about coming home or at least getting in touch (she had been out of communication for a couple of days and everyone was worried sick) so sd managed to contact bf via facebook and managed to persuade him to get her to ring us.
When she rang SD asked her if she was ok - she burst out crying and we went to get her and brought her here.
So she has been staying with us since then - we spoke with her mum and said that maybe a little space without pressure from him, or from her might give D the space she needed to see the real picture. Her mum is so unwell and so tired that I think she is glad of the space too knowing that she is safe with family rather than with her bf.
Anyhoo we opened her with open arms and told her that we were not taking sides rather we were giving her a safe haven and a bit of space to get herself together. We advised that we only have one rule and that is she must go to school.
BF has been emailing, texting, messaging vile abuse to D - almost psychotic in its s mood swings - from "Im going to kill myself" to "I love you" "Im sorry" "Im ill and I need to be with me" "my mum is abusing me" "I was only with you for sex and it was shit anyway" etc etc etc - with support from us and SD she has been able to cope with his attempts to manipulate her into meeting UNTIL today.
SD rang me earlier in a flap to say that her cousin had walked out of school to be with bf at his house. She was out of school for 3 hours and now I am stuck with a dilemma.
We were very clear that there was only one rule and if it was broken then there would be serious consequences. My intention is to talk to her and then take her home to her mum and let her deal with her although sd is begging that we keep her here as she will make sure that this doesnt happen again and will carry on trying to persuade her cousin to stop seeing this boy.
Very long and very complicated story I know but my head is buzzing and even my and my OH cant agree on the right course of action.

Her mother and father have tried everything to support their daughter and to make her see sense. They have gone to the bfs house several times to get her to come home but the bfs mother wont let them in. There has been no police or sw intervention as she has been very clear she will lie and say that her nose was broken by accident while they were fooling around.

Is she not in the middle of exams now and on study leave?

I would say she needs a second chance here, with the summer looming she is likely to return to the boyfriend and there is nothing you can do legally

She has just finished her exams (scotland) and is now back at school for the next 2 weeks.

So is she planning to stay at sixth form? Why is she still at school if exams are over?

Is she actually taking drugs/drinking at bf's house?

In Scotland after your 4th form exams you start 5th form to give you a taster of your subjects choices for 5th form.

As far as SD has said she does drink but doesnt take drugs - although this is at weekends (as many 15 yrs old do at this age - unfortunately)

Where is the cousin's dad? Can she live with him for the two years of sixth form to get away from these so called friends?

Her BF sounds like he has major problems and will drag her down. She stayed away then relented. She knows deep down she needs to get away but she hasn't got the maturity to escape from him yet.

I think she needs support to get out of the situation as if she stays nothing will change. She will not work as hard as she could and will consequently reduce her life chances. However it has to be her decision to do this, it can't just be forced on her.

Of course cousin needs to discuss all this with her parents and stepfather, although she might well listen to you and your SD if you all get on well.

Thanks for the posts so far - she has lived with her dad previously but he sent her back to her mum after she and the bf had a party one night and completely trashed the house - radiators off walls, furniture destroyed etc. Since she has come here she hasnt spoken with her Dad (who is OH's step brother) but then fathers day is coming up so hopefully she will see him on sunday.
Truth be told we dont want her here long term and while we are happy to give her, her mum, her sd a break we have enough problems with SD as she has only been with us 9 months and has her own problems.

You sound amazing in the help you are giving. I would have thought SS or the non emergency police number could give you help in what to do for the best (advise not action)

The other people who might be able to help are the school pastoral team

Send her back to her mum's for a temporary period to show you stick to your word and to give you breathing space with your own new teen.

Give her a possible come back clause if she can show that she will keep going to school from mums.

First of all, WOW, how good a person are you? You are fantastic to open your home to two troubled teenagers.

From what you have posted you seem to be overing a stable loving enviroment that the cousin has not had for a long time.

Punish her for the rule breaking - take her phone for a week, or take her hair straighteners for a week - don't send her to mums, she will feel that everyone rejects her except bf - and that is the last thing you want and she needs.

You've got involved in a very complicated situation, with a challenging girl. I think there are a couple of crucial questions to ask yourself now:

• Do you want to be involved in this girl's life long-term? and
• Do you know her well enough to understand what makes her tick and what tactics and rules will work for her? Or if not, are you prepared to put in the extra effort required to get to know her well?

If the answer to either of these questions is 'no', then send her back to her mum's. And be careful to keep things at a distance - on the footing of 'we're friendly adults and you're our SD's friend and a guest in our house, no more'.

There will obviously be loads of things you don't know about this girl, since she has only been with you a few days. You set a 'guest rule', and she didn't keep to that, but you don't know why and there are many possibilities (not being used to rules, testing you, wanting to be kicked out, etc.)... If you are going to continue your involvement with her and start to 'parent' her - which you will be doing if you implement sanctions, for instance - then you need to be prepared to take on 'parental responsibility' - practically if not legally. If you don't want that, back off now.

Is the school she's at now the one she's always been at? If so, I'd arrange an appointment with her guidance teacher, who will have known her since S1. School finishes a week today, so it would be really good if her mum - or any responsible adult - could put some physical distance between her and the boyfriend. Do you have any relatives in Cornwall? I'm saying this, because I was in danger of leading a similar life with a similar waste of space, until I spent a summer apart and woke up.

I think you are wonderful for taking in and caring about a teenager who's not close family - going from none to two in the space of nine months can't be easy. Well done.

Agent, I'm not sure the school would agree to meet with an adult who is effectively, 'just' a parent of the girl's friend/cousin, rather than someone with any parental responsibility for the girl.
And speaking as a parent of a teenage boy who has spent the odd week here and there not coming home but sleeping other his mates' houses, I would be absolutely furious if one of his mates' mums took it upon herself to talk to his school! I think you can only possibly talk to other outside agencies with this girl's parents' consent - and (as I said) if you are prepared to take on parental responsibility.

Yes, you're right - I meant for the girl to see her guidance teacher. Sorry, I didn't make that clear.

And flow4, I've had a boy here since Saturday that doesn't belong to me. Is he yours? If so, you've done a good job as a parent - he's far more helpful around the house than my own teens are.

Hahahaha No, mine has been at home recently, agent... But I'm pretty sure he's a delight elsewhere and saves all his worst behaviour for me!
I suppose my general point is that, if/when we get involved in the lives of other people's children, we should be very wary of ever thinking we can do a better job than their own parents!