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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

13 year old

57 replies

Gailee · 14/06/2012 21:43

Please help me. My 13 year old daughter is very angry towards me and as a result lashed out at me tonight. I am going to contact the school tomorrow.

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ZZZenAgain · 17/06/2012 16:56

yes I know you are worried about that. Take someone with you

Original poster
Gailee · 17/06/2012 16:57

I took my daughter to the doctors on Friday morning as I am concerned about her anger and she said it was cause of my 6 year old hitting her and I never give her in to trouble but shout at her for it. Surely they will contact the doctors for this

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ZZZenAgain · 17/06/2012 16:58

ok write it down, the name and contact details of the doctor and when you went

have you spoken to anyone else about this, the school maybe?

MittzbethSalander · 17/06/2012 17:01

I am sorry you are going through this,. It is heartbreaking.

A friend has been through similar and is getting through by cooperating fully with police and SS and keeping the lines of communication open with her DC. She wants them to know she loves them and wants to get things back on track but is asking for supervision when she sees them to be on the safe side to protect both her and her DC.

Although she is doing it in a terrible way, it can be a cry for help. My DS gets angry, nasty and abusive and quite violent when he is upset about something. It is never his 'fault'.
But we are working through it with counselling and time.
I hope you can too.

Original poster
Gailee · 17/06/2012 17:02

I spoke to the school about her anger issues and had a meeting on Friday but decided to cancel it as felt it was too much for my daughter to go through with after seeing the doctor. This isn't the first time my daughter has made accusations. Looking back she said a teacher hit her, a pupil in her school and obviously me

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Original poster
Gailee · 17/06/2012 17:02

Is your child living with you x

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ZZZenAgain · 17/06/2012 17:10

ok then make a note of who you spoke to at the school regarding her anger issues, approximately when that was. Did anything happen after she accused a teacher of hitting her? If the school are aware of this, write that down too.

Looks a bit better already, doesn't it?

What you need to make clear is that a) she has an anger problem the cause of which is unknown to you b) you are a very concerned and involved parent and have taken those steps (doctor, school) to find out what is going on and help her c) you ask for their professional advice on obtaining counselling/support for your dd and for the family. And don't go alone, take someone with you, in case it is all too much for you. You have not slept, it will be hard to concentrate and deal with everything alone.

That is what I would do. This is actually just to deal with the immediate problem of the interview tomorrow. Afterwards I think you need some help, this is wearing you out and your other dd must be suffering too. I think some kind of child psychologist or counsellor might be a real help in this , you know, which is why I would specifically ask the people investigating this affair, what they can recommend.

She is only 13, what is making her so angry?

MittzbethSalander · 17/06/2012 17:12

If that is to me Gailee, then yes,

We got SS involved when I called the police after one incident as his safety was involved. We then had support from CAMHS, SS, I got counselling (the effect on you as a person/mother/individual is profound).
I will admit I was frightened of him Sad and what he is capable of.

I will be honest and say it has taken time to get where we are now and he still has outbursts.
I have told him consistently that I love him, but that that is not a license to behave inappropriately, and that I will do whatever necessary to support him. (that is the simplified version)

MittzbethSalander · 17/06/2012 17:20

ZZZen is very wise.

A diary or simple notes can help.
And going to the Doctors was a good move. Don't be afraid to 'pester' people for support.
Can you ask for any hormone checks?
Also DS's mood swings reduced when we limited Aspartame in his diet. That was an eye opener.

Parents line......0808 802 5544 can be very supportive if you need to hear a voice. They can be very calming.
DS had Childline Number also. I don't know if he called but he certainly called the Radio 1 Sunday surgery on a regular basis, and they were fabulous. Someone just listened to him as I think they recognised he was a child with a need to talk.

I knew what DS's triggers were. Sad

Your DD sounds like she is 'attention seeking' and I use that phrase very loosely, not to diminish what she and you are going through.They simply can not verbalise what they need so try to achieve it through other (often difficult) ways.

MittzbethSalander · 17/06/2012 17:27

P.S one of DS's triggers was a series of bereavements between 7 and 10 that we did not recognise how deeply it had affected him.

flow4 · 17/06/2012 20:05

Children can behave like this for lots of different reasons, Gailee. Sometimes if they're angry or upset, they take it out on the person they're closest to, like their mum. Deep down, she knows you'll still always love her, so she can be totally horrible to you - it's 'safe' to let her feelings out with you.

There are so many things she could be reacting to: someone who's died or left her, something that's happened that's made her angry or stressed, someone bullying her or hurting her... Or it could 'just' be hormones. You might not be able to work out what it is, or not straight away...

You say she has now said that 4 different people have hit her (you, her sister, a teacher and a pupil in her school)... so I think it would definitely be a good idea to think about whether there is someone who could have hit/hurt her, or who could still be hitting/hurting her... :( Is there an adult she spends time alone with? It's much more likely to be something less serious, but because of what she's said, I think it's worth checking.

If the answer to this question is 'no', and you are sure she is safe from harm right now, then the most important thing at the moment is to deal with the immediate situation, and you can work out the reasons later. I think it would be really good to write things down and have someone with you if you can, and phoning someone to talk things through might really help, too - there's the Parent line number Mittzbeth gave you, or Parentline/Family Lives on 0808 800 2222.

bevelino · 17/06/2012 20:24

Gailee, big hugs.

flow4 · 18/06/2012 07:06

Good luck today Gailee, hope it goes ok.

Original poster
Gailee · 18/06/2012 07:17

Thank you for all your kind thoughts. I'm very nervous x

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flow4 · 18/06/2012 07:53

That's not surprising. I don't think it will be as bad as you fear. You get to a point where you just have to go through difficult things, don't you? - you can't avoid them, especially where your children are concerned...

ZZZenAgain · 18/06/2012 08:15

I hope it goes well today gailee

marlboroughmum1 · 18/06/2012 13:33

Gosh I feel so sorry for you. Though my daughter has never done this she often looks at me as though she hates me and I am the worst thing that has ever happened in her life. It's a truly hateful age, I never thought I would feel like this about my DD, it's been the biggest shock of my life. I don't know what your situation is as regards partner etc but I just hope you have someone close who can help you through this awful time. Please be strong and let us know how you get on.

Original poster
Gailee · 18/06/2012 17:22

My daughter has taken it all the way. Went to police and sw say she not to come home. I have now to be interviewed by the police. My life is a nightmare

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MittzbethSalander · 18/06/2012 17:33

Sad I am so sorry Gailee, you must be heartbroken.
I hope you get the support you need to get through this.

Perhaps she doesn't know how to back down.
FWIW, my friend in this situation found when her DC was interviewed they did actually realise how far it had gone and back down.

My thoughts are with you x

flow4 · 18/06/2012 23:07

Gailee, I am so sorry. You must be beside yourself.

If SS are preventing your daughter from coming home, then they think your daughter is at serious risk of harm. They are not treating this like a single one-off incident. :(

This doesn't mean your daughter has been abused, but it does mean they think there is a serious risk that she could have been, and she might be again.

It doesn't necessarily mean they think you are harming her, but it does mean that they are not sure you can keep her safe. For instance, it might mean they think there could be another adult harming her, but you are not able to protect her - perhaps because you don't know or because you are too scared of that other person to stop them.

This is the time to think hard. Is there another adult who could be hurting your daughter? You haven't mentioned anything about your daughter's father or your partner/husband/boyfriend...? Or is there a grandparent or other carer who spends time with her alone? These are really horrible questions, and I'm sorry to be so blunt :( If someone else is hurting your daughter, it could explain why she is angry with you: she could be blaming you because you are not stopping it.

Of course it is still possible that your daughter has made it all up, and SS and the police will be aware of this too. But legally they have to investigate.

There are some
useful FAQs here that will tell you more about what to expect (The web pages are from a London authority, but child protection is similar all round the UK).

Have you phoned anyone yet, or got any support for yourself? I think that's really, really important now.

ZZZenAgain · 19/06/2012 16:25

how was the meeting with ss, gailee? Did you think they were at all helpful to you in getting to the bottom of what this is all about or did you feel left in the dark?

Original poster
Gailee · 21/06/2012 11:16

Still not heard the accusations but sw been very supportive. Haven't spoken with police yet do still have that hanging over me. I feel that part of me has died and feeling quite low today. Police phoned yesterday to speak with my husband so I asked them if they wanted to speak with me and they said they had no requirement to speak with me. Not sure what that means Sad

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AdventuresWithVoles · 21/06/2012 13:50

I would be furious at her if she were my DD.

ZZZenAgain · 21/06/2012 17:43

has your dh spoken to the police now gailee, are you any further in making sense out of this?

Original poster
Gailee · 21/06/2012 18:31

No further forward. Although she did say today she was going to kick a girls head in at school. My lawyer says I should keep a notebook. Life is do cruelSad

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