Help, I'm at the end of my tether......

[angelfacefromspace]

Hi everyone, I hope someone can help me. I am a single parent to a 17 year old daughter who since the age of 9 has been troublesome.

In the past eight years she has been excluded from school for being disruptive, fighting, you name it. I've been to court with her three times for stealing, abh and a public order offence, paid her fines, supported her with referral orders etc. She has stolen from me a number of times. Involved herself in risky behaviour, drinking, drugs, relationships with older boys. She lies to me constantly.

I have sought help for her in a drugs/alcohol worker, involved social services because I fear for her and she will not listen to me.

She has everything she needs, we have a nice home, I pay for the contract on her phone, clothes, make-up, pocket money (which she spends on cigarettes), yet seemingly this is not enough for her. Whereas her father gives nothing towards her keep and washed his hands of her the first time she went to court.

But again last night I discovered she has stolen a large amount of money from me again. I am distraught and feel I cannot cope with her any longer and that she really cannot give a stuff about me if she can still do this after everything. I want her to leave as I feel I cannot live with her anymore. Would it be wrong of me to say enough is enough?

Any thoughts or advice would be gratefully received.

aww i really feel for you maybe the problem is you give her to much sometimes its never enough the more you give the more they wont sometimes the word no is what they need rather than phone e.t.c be strong and firm up with her remember ur the boss tell her what u want not her tell u shes sound like she is testing to see how far to push you explain to her how upset it makes u maybe taking the phone of her till she behaves might work perenting is hard and dont come with a manual but stick in there harden up good luck ..

I wouldn't blame you for chucking her out.
I do wonder if your resentment against her dad has poisoned your relationship with her.

It's awful isn't it, when you give everything you can, support in every way and they still throw it back at you:(

BUT you don't have to support her bad choices.. she is 17 which while young is adult as far as the police are concerned and also old enough to support her own money habits. Tough love... stop the money, stop the mobile phone stop the makeup clothes money.. she isn;t appreciative and she can bloody well get a job if she wants those things.

I have a son who did the same.. stole , lied, punched holes through our walls, was arrested, and I didn't throw him out, but I did withdraw from him.. cancelled his phone (pAYG is better anyway for teens!) got a combination safe so he could NOT access any of our family money and treated him politely but as a stranger. I hated doing it but it helped.. he soon realised he needed to earn his money if he wanted the nice things in life.

Oddly enough, he got a p/t job in Dominos pizza and it was the making of him.. he actually developed some self respect and a work ethic, and now at 19 he is nothing like the vile person he was 2 years ago. He has also matured emotionally. No he;s not perfect, but he is 100x better than he was.

If you can hang in there..do..but make it your home , your life and stop supplying your daughter with the means to an easy existence. If you can't stand it any more, then maybe that is the short sharp shock she might need, as she will quickly discover that being grown up isn't as easy as it looks if she has to fend for herself. One of my friends had to kick out her son and a few months later he is back and a LOT more grateful!

(HUGS) even tho it's not allowed on MN :D

Been there, angel - it's grim, isn't it? :( I came within a hair's breadth of throwing my son out around Easter - and in fact did lock him out on two separate occasions, for 4 days and then for a week.

I totally understand you feeling you cannot live like this any more and you want out. I felt the same. It's not wrong: it has happened because you have been pushed to your limits, and beyond, and you can't go on like this.

The trouble is, the options for your daughter are extremely limited. Social services will probably tell you they can't do anything, and you will have to push hard, and then your pushing will be seen as evidence that you still care about her and are parenting effectively . If you are desperate enough to wash your hands of her completely, SS will ultimately step in, but all she is likely to get is B&B accommodation, and no other support at all, because of her age. In the end, I decided that if I kicked my son out, he would be drawn more into the behaviour and company I was fighting so hard to keep him away from :( So I decided not to throw him out...

One of key 'shifts' for me was to realise that I couldn't control him, and I couldn't control social services, but I could control my own behaviour and responses. I made some changes:

• I identified my 'bottom line' - things I absolutely would not tolerate. For me, these were violence and stealing. I told him I would throw him out if he ever did either again, and that I would call 999 and have him arrested for any violence in the home. (I had already done that, so he believed me).
• I had locks fitted on bedroom doors and I stopped ever leaving money or valuables around.
• I stopped giving him any 'money for nothing' - he now has to do jobs/chores if he wants cash.
• I started doing nice things for myself - I have a massage every fortnight now, for instance :)
• I accepted I wasn't able to stop him from behaving badly, but I could still give him 'moral messages'. I tell him when I think he is out of order, and say things like "I can't stop you, but it's still wrong"...
• I distanced myself a bit emotionally, but not very much because I just couldn't. I think it's important self-preservation, if you have to keep living with someone who is treating you badly.

This is really long - sorry- but one more thing... I think there are reasons kids like your daughter and my son behave badly, and it's to do with grief that turns into anger, and having to fight harder because they feel closer, and pushing you to see whether you will abandon them like their other parent :( If you look at my previous posts, you'll find more explanation...

Good luck :)

You paid her fines for her? So she didn't get punished even though she went to court.

Have you noticed the 'she has everything' is all material things, phone, clothes etc? Do you spend any time together? Do you know how she feels?

But that is beside the point, enough is enough. One of my friends was 'kicked out' at age 16. In reality her mother took her to the DSS (as it was then) said she could not cope and between them they found her a bedsit.

She would occasionally come home to find her fridge restocked and a pile of coins for her meter.

flow4 has some good advice.

I don't suppose kicking your child out has ever been easy, but it's even harder now than it was then... There is no income support for 16-17yos any more, unless they've got a child. There is only job seekers allowance for young people in exceptional circumstances of 'extreme hardship', which would include being estranged from parents, but does not include just choosing to leave home; and they have to be actively seeking work, which YP who get thrown out would probably not be well able to do. If you google it, you won't find the rates for yp online (or not easily) but you will find long guidance for benefits assessors about how rarely they should give any the complicated and very challenging rules for awarding benefit to a 16-17 yo. will find the CAB advises young people to get 'expert advice', which of course they are unlikely to do.

Also, I was told that if I kicked my son out because he'd behaved badly, he would be treated as being 'intentionally homeless', because he could choose to behave better, and so he would not get benefits and would only get emergency housing. There are almost no bedsits/flats for under 18s - they can't legally sign the leases - so the few there are go to care leavers, where the local authority can sign in loco parentis.

This means you can't 'move' your son or daughter out in a calm constructive way if they are 16-17 - you can only throw them out and expect them to be homeless and extremely poor, and to be accommodated with people with drug and mental health problems... So of course you need to be desperate to do it.

flow4 & MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay Its nice to know I'm not alone and you both have given me some really good advice. I think I feel more hurt than anything and completely drained emotionally and have got to the stage where I just cannot do it anymore.

sashh We spend a lot of time together although in the last couple of weeks she spends more time out (normal for 17?). We go out for dinner, for walks, shopping together so I don't think she is attention seeking.

Sorry for hijacking thread. Just wanted to let Flow4 know how proud I am of her for sounding so strong and positive! I remember the threads of hers from earlier in the year when she was so desperate and just really glad that the advice she got has helped her.

You are so not alone Angel. Some of us just got to where you are before you did. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and listen to those who have been there. There is some fantastic support on here; it has kept me sane in my darker moments and I know before long you will be able to offer your wisdom to others having been through this and survived it!

Power to your elbow! Be strong. You feel as though you are finished just now but your reserves will come back and surprise you. Keep going and be as nice to yourself as possible, it's not your fault. You sound as though despite everything you really love her. That's a pretty good start.

I really feel for you and hope it never gets that bad with my youngest DD (who seems to be heading off in that direction). However I have also experienced the other side of the coin as my DS has 3 times persuaded us to "adopt" various friends who have been kicked out by their parents. I don't know all reasons why they have been kicked out (and really didn't want to) but as long as they behaved well, they have been welcome to have a mattress and share our meals. The first lad went on to get a job, a flat and steady girlfriend, the 2nd - a girl, decided that my nagging her to tidy up her things was worse than her mum so went back home...Result! The 3rd lad is still with us off and on and has just found a factory job, so hoping to be able to afford a bedsit. When we offered him a mattress it was the first one he'd slept on for over a year after sofa surfing or sleeping rough. All of them have been desperately grateful and respectful while here. I tried to help them find accommodation but SS have a very long waiting list for young peoples hostels.
I agree with the other posters that kicking them out should be the very last resort, even if you have to turn your home into fort knox and emotionally harden yourself at least they have a place of safety and are not forced to find out the hard way about life on the street.

Thank you sponkle :)
Yes angel, I was every bit as desperate as you, and things are much, much better than they were in January. And since Easter we've gone from this to this :) So there is hope!