14 Year Old DD thinks she is a lesbian

[rendezvous]

DD left her computer on and I found out that she has been subscribing to a gay chat site for the last 4 months and is convinced that she is a lesbian. She also expressed feelings of self loathing and said that she 'felt like cutting again'. I had no idea that she felt like this and hadn't picked up any signs that she was very unhappy. She is extremely bright but quite shy and not in the 'popular' group of girls at school. She has not had a boyfriend but does seem to have a small and stable group of friends.She has however alsways been very introspective and spent a lot of time on her own. I am at loss as to know what to do. I don't want to spy on her but I feel terrified that she might be very isolated. Should I confront her and risk losingher trust forever?

I have limited experience here from my DD1

On the lesbian side of of the issues, she may be experimenting (in her head rather than in actuality) with her feelings rather than being sure about it, BUT there is the equal possibility that she is indeed gay, and this being the case, it can be a really awful time emotionally.

My eldest daughter is 20 and lesbian. She was pretty sure from about 14, dead certain from about 16 but only actually came out in February this year. I had NO idea. I have a close and loving relationship with her, but she has always been quite a private person emotionally, and when she told me I was very upset.. not about her being gay..couldn't give two hoots about that, but that she had struggled with it for so long, alone..she had told no one except her last boyfriend, who was perfect in every way except he was male!

She became anorexic in her first year at Uni ..partly uni stress and homesickness, and partly from the sheer emotional overload of trying to be 'normal' (her words) ..hence the boyfriend . Her recovery (ongoing but good) from anorexia started when she came out of the closet.. the relief went far deeper than even she knew. Like your daughter, she is very bright, and somewhat introspective.

I wish, wish wish my daughter could have confided in us when she was 14, 15, when we would have supported her just as we do now.. we are very proud of her and the courage it took her to come out.

I think if there is any way you can subtly let her know that you think gay women are fantastic and that you would be as delighted with a gay daughter as a straight one..(or as we did.. we couldn't care LESS about our children's sexuality as long as they seek loving, mutually respectful relationships) you can maybe help plant the seeds that it's OK to be who she is. My daughter knew this, but still somehow thought we would be disappointed in her and more, she didn't want to be different. But now she has accepted that she IS, she is happier.

Would it help to write her a letter?.. you could explain how you came across the chat site accidentally and that you love her to bits and want her to be happy?
The self harm is worrying..but I wouldn't push the panic button on it because confronting her might make her careful to hide it. My other daughter self harmed briefly during an unhappy period (she was 14 too) and I was very upset when I found out, but I asked her to tell me when she felt like doing it so we could find another way to release her feelings together.. and it did stop.

Sorry this is long.. not sure what I'm trying to say except she needs to know somehow, and in a non confrontational way, that you are aware, that being gay..if she is.. is ok, and that you will support her in any way to help her stop self harming, if she is.

Great advice from Medusa. All I'd add is make sure you don't let her think that you think it's 'just a phase', as that will make her feel more alone and worried about it.
I hope she makes it though the self harming and depression soon, I know it's just as hard for the parent to go through too.
Stay strong both of you

Really good post, Medusa :)

Rendevous, I notice your post title focuses on your daughter's sexuality, and not her self-harm and possible self-loathing... I'd be worried about that, but not about her sexuality, if she were my daughter. Did her comments suggest she may loathe herself because she is a lesbian? Or because she hasn't yet 'come out'? Or are the two issues largely unconnected, as far as you can tell? I ask because I think that if they are unconnected in her mind, you can address the question of self harm without even mentioning her emerging sexuality. But if they are connected, you may need to support her to feel comfortable with her sexuality, whatever it is.

Have no practical experience, but since becoming aware of the frightening suicide statistics for GLBTQ youth I have been making a huge effort to make sure that my 7 year old knows that it is perfectly normal and he will be accepted whoever he chooses to love. Look online at www.thetrevorproject.org/ for help and advice -I feel personally that it is better to talk than not-neither of you have done anything wrong.

In my house we have table time.. It's where you talk about everything. I think you need to bring up the sexuality subject tell her that anyone she loves will be welcome in your home as long as they treat her fairly, but dont meation the sex at first. You can then open up other subjects like her feeldown, self harm and sexual preference. Sorry if this come across as stating the obvious, take it slow and you will need to talk about your day etc. Try not to be shocked that is easier said then done I have 2 teens!

My sister is a lesbian and kept it from my Mum. I think because she overheard a conversation where my Mum's friend was saying how abnormal it was and I think in all honesty my Mum just agreed so as not to have a debate about it.

Luckily my Mum then had a job in a theatre so she came into contact with actual gay people and was all fine and accepting. My Dad however, is ok on the surface but does say some terrible things that I would never repeat to my sister like how her civil partnership wasn't really a wedding but then he is in his 70's. Strangely though he loves my sister's wife to bits so why he is disparaging of their wedding I don't know.

Your daughter may not feel comfortable telling you in case you haven't ever explicitly said you are okay with it. My own sister would say that as a teen you just want to be asked rather than have to tell your parents. She was very sure by the time she was 14. For my two sons they are very aware that most girls like boys but some girls like girls as they have lesbian Aunts. It may never have come up in conversation with you and your daughter.

Does she normally open up to you about general stuff going on in her life? If not then Nonio has the table time thing. My best mate has two teens and they discussed anal sex at the dinner table mainly to confirm that it actually was what they thought it was unlike blow jobs where no blowing is involved. So conversations may be hair raising.

The cutting is a real worry, she may be concerned that she isn't fitting into the "norm" of wanting a boyfriend etc.