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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Advice please? Any ways to help my teenage son?

5 replies

CowboysGal · 11/06/2012 08:23

All siblings fight and go through phases where they just cannot seem to get along. I know this is true and remember falling out with my own siblings when we were younger.

My DSs all fight with each other, always have, but were also able to get along sometimes. On the whole they have got on well. Until now!

My middle DS is a bit more hyper than either his older or younger brother. He does have a tendency towards annoying traits (mimicking, talking in a squeaky voice, 'telling mum', generally winding up). This has, over the years. created a situation where it's become a bit 2 against 1. The older 2 boys used to share a common interest in football but have both given this hobby up. DS1 and DS3 share a room which became necessary after breaking up the millionth argument/fight between the youngest and middle DS who used to share. More and more DS2 is pushed further and further out. Neither DS1 nor DS3 would ask middle DS2 to go to the shops with them or play a 2 player game for instance but will happily ask each other if they are bored. The other 2 boys are not best friends by any means but they get on well enough and don't really have a problem with each other.

In his early teenage years DS1 experimented a little with smoking and drinking. He was caught out a few times, punished and now either doesn't do the whole getting drunk thing or hides it extremely well. DS3 is now 13 and wants to be the bad boy that he perceives DS1 to be (DS1 hangs around with the 'cool' kids at school, his teachers have commented that he has the ability to be considered one of the lads by the rougher, naughtier classmates without getting involved in any of the bad behaviour or being ostracised for being a swot) whereas DS2 isn't interested in doing anything like drinking, smoking or chasing girls. He's still happy enough going out on his bike with the same group of friends he went to primary with.

I know DS2 feels left out and he has made comments about his brothers hating him. I try to reassure with tales of me and my sibling falling out when we were younger and now that we have all left home we get on great but obviously that brings little comfort.

I've been racking my brains trying to think of some way to get them to come together a bit. Got a computer game that the oldest DS asked for and middle DS showed an interest so they have been taking it in turns to play it (some thing where you build a house/village and complete tasks to get more building materials) I thought they'd chat about it but they don't at all. If they sit and watch football with DH they will both chat to him about the game or the players but never to each other.

I'm hoping someone has had similar and has an idea of ways to turn this around. Has anyone ever successfully done some kind of 'team building' exercise with their DC?

OP posts:
Tabliope · 11/06/2012 11:54

I think you've probably smoothed over it too much (sorry). Your middle boy knows the others don't like him much. I think you'd be doing him a favour by telling him exactly why - the mimicking, the winding up, the telling mum, the squeaky voice - all really annoying things that have probably gone on for too long as the other two won't willingly spend time with him. He needs to know these actions have led to this result. How to improve it? Well, he needs to stop and start building some bridges, with your help of course. But until he stops I couldn't imagine either brother wanting to spend time with him. Sorry to be harsh but maybe you have told him but until he stops I can't see any relationship being repaired.

IloveJudgeJudy · 11/06/2012 15:57

I'm a bit concerned that he is 13+ and it seems from your post that he is still doing the annoying stuff. If that is the case, I agree with Tabliope that he needs to deal with that. You can't force them to be friends (mother to 3 DC). You could try to speak to DS1 who's older and ask him about this thoughts. DS2 can't be too bad as he still has his primary-aged friends.

Good luck. We have had WWIII in this house at times (DS1 17, DD 15 and DS2 13). This is because of DS1 being the wind-up merchant, but as he's the eldest, it's a different dynamic. DD won't put up with any of that, in fact waits to be offended and DS2 who puts up with a lot. They're all different, just like yours. sometimes it's only time that will help.

CowboysGal · 11/06/2012 22:41

DH seems to think it bothers me more than it bothers DS. Perhaps he's right, it does tug at the heart strings to see him left out all the time. When he's occasionally said that he knows his brothers hate him DH has pointed out that it coincides with a bad day at school or getting into trouble so it could be that he's pushing my buttons a bit?
We have told DS2 about his behaviour. Pointed out to him that the only person he can control is himself and that if he wants to spend more time with his brothers he needs to adjust his behaviour (he is getting better at that as he gets older). He isn't particularly immature, only around his brothers.
Funnily enough the 3 DSs all sat with DH and watched the England match this evening and there was a lot of discussing tatics/players/outcomes.
Thanks for the input Talibone and Ilove maybe it's just a waiting game.

OP posts:
Tabliope · 12/06/2012 09:40

Well that's a positive, all sitting round watching the football and getting on - let's hope England stay in a bit longer so there'll be a few more games for them to watch together.

TBH he doesn't sound that happy a kid. Why's he getting into trouble or having bad days at school? Bad days in terms of what? I've got a 14 year old DS and most days at school (luckily for us, I know) are pretty uneventful in terms of trouble. Is he in with a crowd that he feels he has to act a certain way with and that carries on into the home? If you can get some good momentum going in terms of them all getting on such as when watching the football together maybe he'll be able to see the difference in how he gets on with his brothers and make more of an effort not to annoy them and hopefully in turn and in time the relationship between them all will improve.

I had an elder brother who was a pain in the arse to me growing up to be frank and it was never addressed by my parents and now we don't have a relationship at all so if you can forge any bonds between them - holidays, watching a DVD together, playing a board game, playing cards - do so as time might help but in my case it didn't. My brother and I just drifted further apart.

Tabliope · 12/06/2012 09:45

I really would stress to him if he's a pain around his brothers they really won't want to spend time with him. This has to come from him. He needs to repair that by being mature, generous, helpful, a good brother and I do think he will reap the rewards from that. I've seen it with younger kids when making friends, even just the offer of you can play with my football at the park and kids start to like each other. I've also seen the opposite - winding up, etc - and one kid will not have anything to do with the other, even years later as they know every time they give the friendship another go that kid will do something else and it's just not worth it. It's human nature to want to spend time with people you have things in common with, who don't deliberately try to annoy you, who can be generous and helpful. All the best.

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