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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

End of my tether

21 replies

RavenVonChaos · 10/06/2012 11:12

My 18 year old dd rang me at 4.40am hysterical, saying "it's an emergency". When I got her to calm down it transpires that she has no cab fare and friend who she was supposed to be staying with has let her down (at a party).

So I have to get up and find money and leave out for her.

I was soooo angry and of course initially terrified that some terrible was happening to her .... Rape murder etc as she was so hysterical.

Anyway she gets up and nonchalantly says sorry and when I refuse to speak to her. She says "why are you overreacting? I will pay you back"...... I am sad to say that the red most came down and I went ballistic.....

I just wonder how other mums would have handled this? I am at a loss really.

OP posts:
Original poster
RavenVonChaos · 10/06/2012 11:13

Red mist Smile

OP posts:
AppleCrumbleAndFish · 10/06/2012 11:20

It would depend how often It happened. And what she is like the rest of the time. Does this sort off thing happen often?

MaureenMLove · 10/06/2012 11:22

It's hard to say what I would have done, because I'm not at this moment tired and grouchy from being woken up in the middle of the night and having a momentary worry that my DD had been murdered!

However, I have a feeling the situation would have played out just like that in my house! Grin

AnyoneForTennis · 10/06/2012 11:40

Well it wasn't her fault was it?

My dd is 18 next week, this hasn't happened so far, but if she was let down by a friend this way then I doubt I could be angry to the point if not speaking to her

I always keep cash at home for these types of things, maybe prevent it happening by arranging a kitty at home for future taxi fares?

aliportico · 10/06/2012 12:34

I think I would have been most annoyed by her being hysterical when she phoned! If she had been calm, apologised immediately, said she was sorry about this but she didn't know what to do, etc, then I think everything could have stayed calmer and you wouldn't have ended up waking up this morning still completely wound up. Also, she needs to learn that telling someone not to over react is a sure fire way to piss them off!

Original poster
RavenVonChaos · 10/06/2012 12:50

Yes, her timing and attitude was lousy and what sent me over the edge. In the last month I have been woken up by the fire alarm at 4am - she was drunk and left chips burning in oven - cue me and DP running round the house naked in a panic only to find her in the kitchen - pissed - "its all right, its under control" - mmm clearly not.

She has done the taxi thing before - probably a year ago.

Also order takeaway - then fell asleep and when takeaway arrives she refuses to pay the man "cos you are three hours late". Cue mum - scrabbling around for money and apologising to delivery man for rude daughter - she thinks hours have passed as she has been asleep

Caught her with her hand in my purse four weeks ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
RavenVonChaos · 10/06/2012 12:52

Actually I think that at 18 you should be confident enough with friends to know where you are staying - or have a plan B - which is to make sure you can get home safely. Why do I need to be involved in it at all?

OP posts:
mumblechum1 · 10/06/2012 19:33

DS did the same last night but we were still up so no biggy. He was supposed to be staying over at a friend's in town but the mum wouldn't let him so he just wanted to check there was cash in the taxi box (stocked up specifically for this eventuality) before he ordered a cab.

I think you should just have a box for taxi fares so if she has a problem again she can just get a cab.

SecretSquirrels · 10/06/2012 19:40

Well.... there was that poor girl in the news who was attacked after being refused access to her bus home at 3am because she didn't have the fare. I would not want a 18 year old girl stranded, however much she was to blame, and I would not want her to be afraid to ring home for help.

mumeeee · 11/06/2012 00:46

Well she probably thought it was an emergency. Her friend had let her down , she had no money for a taxi and didn't know how she was going to get home. On that situation although I would have been grumpy about being woken up. I would have got up and left money for her in fact DH would have fetched her. He always preferred our DDs to phone for a lift rather than get a taxi on their own.

NatashaBee · 11/06/2012 00:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flow4 · 11/06/2012 07:57

It's true that her safety is the most important thing, and (unless you live somewhere unusually safe) walking home alone is probably not a good idea... But that said, I think 18 is old enough to be planning better than that: she should have had enough money for a taxi with her, or left at home if she didn't trust herself not to spend it, and/or perhaps another friend as back-up to stay with or to see her home. She should certainly not rely on that particular friend again.

If it were me, I'd be having a convo along the lines of "Yes it was an emergency, and I will always rescue you in an emergency; but you only found yourself in this situation because you didn't plan well enough, and you need to plan better in future - with a backup plan too. After all, you're 18 now and you're very close to the age where you won't be living with me, and I won't be able to rescue you, and you must look after yourself".

I'd leave the emotions out of the discussion entirely, if poss. No-one is at their calm rational best at 4:40am, whether woken from sleep, or tired, drunk and scared! :)

Original poster
RavenVonChaos · 11/06/2012 17:48

When we are speaking again (it's frosty at the moment) I will suggest that she puts an emergency tenner aside for this. I have to say that I never once did this to my parents! I would not have dreamed of it.

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Slambang · 11/06/2012 22:58

Hmm. I can see how annoying that must have been. But not speaking to her? Really?? (Seems a bit childish tbh).

And just what would you have suggested a stranded 18 year old should do if she is stuck in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night? Indepepndence is all very well but I'd have thought that most parents would prefer her to ring home at 4.40am than try to walk home alone from wherever and then give her a good bollocking in the morning

gettingalifenow · 12/06/2012 09:17

Would you rather she'd walked home?

It doesn't sound like she's done this often so I think you're being a bit harsh but it does sound like she's taking you for granted a bit (but I'd rather be taken for granted than have my own DD try to walk hone at 4 in the morning)

BackforGood · 12/06/2012 09:35

Can see both sides. Yes, she should have had some kind of emergency back up plan, but, hey, she's 18 - we've all made mistakes, surely ?
For you 'not to be speaking to her' sounds extremely childish. I'd be thinking of alternatives wshould it happen again... for example an idea I read on here whereby the 'grown up dcs' know where in the house there is always an emergency £20 that they can access, so, in this case she could have got taxi, come in, got the money and paid.
That said, I'd not be keen on my dd getting taxi on her own.
I'd certainly be pleased we had the sort of relationship where, if she really felt in trouble / unsafe / unsure what to do that she knew she could ask us for help, whatever time of day or night it was. I'd rather that than have her make some decision that could put her in danger.

jetsetlil · 12/06/2012 10:54

It doesn't sound like it's the ASKING of help thats the problem, it's the phoning in hysterics, terrifying the life out of the OP, for something that could have been asked a bit more calmly. I have had it done to me and it's horrrid being yanked out of sleep and frightened to death for something as simple as just paying for a taxi home. I think OP has every right to be pissed off esp as her DH is so nonchalent about it the next morning.

flow4 · 12/06/2012 11:46

Well said, jet, I agree :) Personally, I want waking me in the middle of the night to be a last resort, not a first one... And I'd expect anyone who did it - whether my own child or not - to be apologetic and grateful.

Re-reading your posts tho, Raven, it sounds like you might be angry with your daughter for a whole load of other things too (lack of consideration and stealing from you, etc...), and this is just the latest. I understand how that kind of 'stored' anger can bubble over: I felt like a boiling pot for the first 4-5 months of this year, and I was aware that I was probably 'over-reacting' to some smaller specific incidents, because I was so angry about other things that had never been resolved.

'Not speaking' is not something we really do in our family; but I did find myself saying less than usual to my son, because I had literally nothing positive to say to him, and I was following 'Thumper's mama's rule' (i.e. "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all"! ) I think sometimes, if you are very angry about a whole lot of things, it can be better to keep quiet until you've untangled what you can deal with constructively from the stuff you need to 'let go'. But you do need to deal with it sooner or later - or at least I do - or it makes me unhappy and ill :(

If this is true for you too, then I'd say it takes time for that kind of anger to dissipate... But start expressing what you're angry as soon as poss and don't let it eat you away :)

jetsetlil · 12/06/2012 15:50

Lets face it - the phone never rings at 4.40am with good news does it??.

imnotmymum · 12/06/2012 15:54

flow I say the Thumper quote as well -accent and all !! I would be pleased my DD felt comfortable enough to call me at 4:40 and need a lift. Some would not be able to and walk home and who knows what would happen and then "not talking to her "over this would be silly.

Original poster
RavenVonChaos · 12/06/2012 21:15

thanks for the support. I guess I am not speaking to her for precisely the reasons that flow4 says.

DD has walked home many times before at all hours - obv against my wishes - so I was shocked that she rang at 4.40am.

We are still not speaking, but to be honest, I am enjoying the peace and quiet!

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