Custy, come and be "Super-Custy" at my house, I'll pay you. I've just watched Brat Camp and thought they're not quite that bad. Don't do drugs (?), doing well at school(ish) and can occasionally be civil to each other. Occasional flashes of maturity and then...BAM. Told oldest he can't have a 'ped, can stay out until midnight as it's his birthday and we'll pick him up. Spoke to my ex on phone, his Dad, who just spouts stuff. Talking with Dh tonight, few months ago DS1 "broke" his toe because he kicked a door. Woke the whole house up and made me shaky. Told ex h and he calmly came round the next day and told DS to get ready. One word and I swear to God, ex h came in MY house, got him by the throat laid back on my stairs and scared the shit out of me. He was pounching either side of DS head, missing I hasten to add by an inch, and threatening him not to piss any of us around again. My first instict was to poull him off, I held back and Ds went to school. I then had two minutes before my first class started and it broke me up. I still have flashes of "my baby". I am trying to be calm but he can outsmart me in arguements, relentlessly keeps on, makes me doubt what I have said (I have memory problems) and once even tapped on my door for an hour (I have a lock on the bedroom door) saying if I didn't answer then he was right, I was wrong etc etc and I am proud to say I didn't lamp him one!. He has done two runners and I have walked the streets looking for him. Custy, what if your kid had been attacked, raped or killed during those nights out? I can't let that happen. I have even thought about getting someone to "get" him, just to scare the crap out of him....his last words tonight were that I was immature because I wouldn't discuss anything with him! I had just told him that if he would speak nicely to me, I would!He doesn't get any money from us, he has phone contracts which take up his allowance. He only gets £7 a week and gets money by wheeler dealing. Been selling sweets etc at his posh school, buys stuff on e-bay then sells it on. I have to keep nagging him about posting stuff on to people. He's been blacklisted already once. I know I'm a crap mum too weak sometimes, but it's like been married to a bully, they wear you down and for the sake of the others, I try and keep the arguements down. He's had so much more than the others, through his dad, holidays etc. My littlies have never been abroad and I am ashamed to say that me and Dh (major problems there too, hopefully sorted out) never go out. There is no one I would leave them with, because the two big boys will fight. I remember someone else saying that they had had a tantrum in front of a grandparent, so do mine. We're checking on sugar stuff now, god, why did I mention that? Oldest has been buying sweets for years, awful teeth now, holes etc. Can't check them beforre and after school. Limited sweet stuff here. Told No 2 Ds about sugar mood swings and he's refusing to accept the theroies. He's major clever tested for (borderline Aspergers) and with a vile Kevin temper. I hate my life sometimes and wish I could start again, and just have one. Which one, I can't choose Have tried family talks, start charts, money rewards, grounding, not doing the washing (they don't care) buying nothing except basic foodstuff etc etc-nothing works. Have lost my temper, cried, slapped them, battered them,(not hard because they're bigger than me and laugh at me) told them to leave or I will, cried and cried. Realised how much I say the words "I donb't feel well" all the time because I don't. Caught myself saying it again tonight to littlest, whilst putting him to bed. *, go to bed now please, you're later than usual and Mummy's tired, got a headache. He's 7 and just said, "get a nurofen and a Kalms and you'll feel better"
I am so sad and feel like a shit mum, probably the worst. I read all these new mums' thoughts and feel so sad thinking it might happen to them, I was like that once.
I wanted the Waltons, not the Adams Family